Consent needs full disclosure, right?

[PeoplesNet]

Twice now I've had to deal with men who don't last longer than two minutes in bed (or 6 seconds) and they knew about their problem beforehand but didn't think it relevant to warn me or check I was okay with it.

Is it unreasonable to consider this a failure to get informed consent? I would never have agreed to waste my time getting done up, spend hours with them on a date, get naked with them etc if I'd known there was no possibility of enjoyment for me, just them.

No relationship involved, so it was obvious I was expecting to enjoy myself as well.

At this stage, I'll confirm: they couldn't do anything to satisfy me - clearly not interested in working on any skills to satisfy the woman.

20 years ago, I would have felt obligated to accept this and feel sorry for the bloke and his issues. But at this enlightened stage in my life, I feel angry and used. I explained to the most recent guy that he has an obligation to warn any potential partner so they can make an informed decision about whether or not they want to have sex with him. To his credit, he did agree and said he hadn't considered that. But why not?? Why isn't this info reaching men?

I've been reading on here about issues with men taking too long to share kinks and I know people would be furious if STDs / HIV status weren't discussed beforehand.

I think it's time for men/people to recognise that consent isn't just a general 'yes' and then people have to deal with whatever cr*p you throw at them in bed.

I suppose I have learned now to be explicit about what I'm consenting to. So if any men start wondering why they're suddenly being asked for girth, length and stamina. This is why. Haha jokes.

I mean this arrogant douche hadn't even considered viagra, and tried to tell me no other sexual partners had complained! What?! Then they were being typical, polite, agreeable women, because no way is shifting your weight every 5 seconds and climaxing after 2 mins acceptable bedroom behaviour!

Easy come, easy go!

I feel like this is one of the risks of one night stands, it’s luck of the drawer.

Some of these men might not have had sex with a woman for a long time and can’t believe their luck 😂 their stamina might improve in a relationship or as a FWB but I don’t think they’ll be getting a second chance with OP 😂😂

It’s luck of the draw! Not drawer. That’s the first time I’ve seen that mistake. Usually people on here are calling their drawers a draw, not the other way around.

I remember someone on here who had a relative who was " a sex shawl" 😆

Thanks for that, I did consider it could be wrong but to be honest I’m too tired to care 😂

😂

I disagree - consent doesn't need full disclosure in this sense because that's completely unrealistic and impractical in every sense.

The only thing that needs to be considered is "do you want to have sex with this person in front of you right now?". And if you're not willing to consent without first choreographing the act, getting their full medical history, voting record, and at least three references, then you need to communicate that up front.

A difference in expectations of performance is disappointing but not a violation of consent.

Consent does and should cover the things which are important: namely do you want to and have you been made aware of things which could physically do you harm such as diseases and contraceptive choices. Everything else is up to you to discuss and deal with if you make a decision you regret.

Please see my updated post (and re-read the original if that helps clarify) - this isn't insensitive at all. There isn't only one way to be raped, by the way, as we learned from the debacle of marital rape 'not being possible' in our unfortunately recent history. We are continually learning and updating what we understand about this topic, but to be clear again: I said I felt "used".

We're talking about using people.

If a man knows he cannot last longer than a few seconds or a couple of minutes, but talks like I will have a great time and tells me how amazing sex is with him, only to admit later he always prematurely ejaculates - then he lied. The other guy withheld the info. When you gain consent by lying (directly or indirectly): that's not informed consent. But I didn't say I was raped, and wouldn't. I was definitely used though. It doesn't matter that they wanted to see me again, it's still using someone if you know you're the only one benefiting.

I wonder why some people focus on the wording of a question / twist it etc rather than acknowledge people need to be more honest with each other. That's the issue here and it can't be that some think it's okay to withhold that information. I hope not though it seems it from what I'm reading here. Such a shame! And odd we haven't progressed enough yet about these issues.

Hey, yeah I agree but I can't tell by looking at them who is better(!) - that's why I feel like they need to be upfront.

I might add here that I do extend informing people about yourself to women too. So how much makeup you wear / push up bra / spanx etc ahahaha it's not all about men needing to be more upfront, I do apply it to all of us.

How was your performance?

What were they trying to say? I can't figure it out(!)

Asexual

The whole consent comparison is in very, very bad taste. And insulting to people who have been sexually assaulted.

Do you really think a man is going to say ‘I’m shit in bed do you still consent to shagging me?’ What planet are you on. It’s fine to be pissed off that you wasted time on a selfish lover but your whole post is just bizarre.

Asexual

How many people do you know op, genuinely, who would admit or acknowledge they were a crap shag, man or woman? People generally do not have self awareness around this. You could be a crap shag yourself?
And no, it’s not a consent issue. You’ve consented to have sex with a man you barely know. More power to you, but he has no obligation to last as long as you’d like him to.

No, bring crap in bed does not count as having sex without consent. you cannot compare sexual assault to unsatisfying sex.

We’re focussing on the word consent because you made this a consent issue.

Sex without consent is rape. You’re claiming that these men didn’t get your consent because they didn’t tell you they had issues in bed. So you’re claiming that this is the equivalent of rape. It is not. Nor is it the equivalent of marital rape, or of purposely exposing someone to HIV or any other comparison you have made.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm grateful you took the time to understand what I was saying about feeling used and that you shared your story.

It is a horrible feeling, like being tricked. "Ha, you said yes but there was fine print (written in invisible ink) you didn't read". It just feels wrong. These two guys weren't exactly one-night stands but I won't get into it.

I feel like we're moving in the right direction as relates to consent, but also: just treating each other better so we don't use each other. But maybe women need to be more blunt about what our expectations are.

is it selfish? yes. is it assault and non consensual sex? no.

Being abused and having shit sex are totally different things.

Truth in Advertising doesn’t apply to comments about one’s proficiency at sex.

I agree that framing your disappointment at a quickie instead of a marathon as an informed consent issue is insulting to sexual assault survivors.

YABU

whilst I can appreciate you feeling disappointed/angry or even upset that several of your sexual partners were not at all interested in your sexual satisfaction, I think you are falsely conflating that with lack of consent.

You state that you did consent to sex with both of these partners but subsequent to not enjoying it, you feel that that your consent is retrospectively invalidated by lack of satisfaction. That is simply erroneous- lack of enjoyment does not negate consent given before intercourse occurred. You cannot state that you only consent to sex if you are sexually satisfied by your partner, and failure to perform satisfactorily equals retrospective withdrawal of consent on your part. You cannot withdraw consent retrospectively based on solely on your partners sexual performance- or lack thereof. That is utterly ridiculous.Therefore, the consent you gave was entirely valid.

You say that you did not say you were raped or sexually assaulted. However, the definition of sexual intercourse or sexual activity without consent is rape or sexual assault, respectively. So if your position is that your consent to have sex (which you are clear you gave) was not valid- i.e. you did not consent to sex- and it is the case that you had sex with these 2 men, what exactly is it, if not rape? Either your consent was valid or it wasn’t, if it wasn’t then you were assaulted. To be clear, I don’t think you were raped or sexually assaulted, but the logical conclusion of your argument is that you were.

The reality is that whilst you did not actually state that you were raped, the implication of your argument was that the fact they did not warn you regarding their problems with performance (specifically, premature ejaculation) and not being able to satisfy you/not being interested in your satisfaction means that your consent is invalid. If a man has penetrative sex with you without valid consent, then that is rape. So if you are saying that your consent was not valid, and you had sex with these men, then the only logical conclusion from your statement is that you are saying you were raped.

I think you are talking nonsense. Not every thing that goes wrong/less than ideal behaviour requires formal retribution or a criminal process.

That's why I don't believe in ridiculous rules about waiting to have sex if you want to have sex😂

Some people are compatible, some are not. How on earth could you give "informed consent" over something so subjective. Who put you in charge of what is acceptable?

Read threads, for some posters on here, the idea of a 2mn sexual act is heaven.

Maybe with another woman it would have lasted a lot longer, who knows. Some people have amazing sex after a very disappointing sex life with someone else.

so you are BU and ridiculous

Ok but where do you draw the line? He bragged about his sexual performance, that one pretended to really care about the environment / abandoned cats (insert cause of your choice), the other one pretended he really liked the same music, another man lied about not being single, and yet another pretended he was looking for a serious relationship... We could go on.

At some point adults have to realise that other people will bend the truth to get things they want and that even if you're in a committed relationship for years they can still turn round and surprise you. Sometimes things will be disappointing. You can either accept that and embrace the mess that is the general human condition without agonising over it or you can refuse it but possibly live a rather isolated existence.