Consent needs full disclosure, right?

[PeoplesNet]

Twice now I've had to deal with men who don't last longer than two minutes in bed (or 6 seconds) and they knew about their problem beforehand but didn't think it relevant to warn me or check I was okay with it.

Is it unreasonable to consider this a failure to get informed consent? I would never have agreed to waste my time getting done up, spend hours with them on a date, get naked with them etc if I'd known there was no possibility of enjoyment for me, just them.

No relationship involved, so it was obvious I was expecting to enjoy myself as well.

At this stage, I'll confirm: they couldn't do anything to satisfy me - clearly not interested in working on any skills to satisfy the woman.

20 years ago, I would have felt obligated to accept this and feel sorry for the bloke and his issues. But at this enlightened stage in my life, I feel angry and used. I explained to the most recent guy that he has an obligation to warn any potential partner so they can make an informed decision about whether or not they want to have sex with him. To his credit, he did agree and said he hadn't considered that. But why not?? Why isn't this info reaching men?

I've been reading on here about issues with men taking too long to share kinks and I know people would be furious if STDs / HIV status weren't discussed beforehand.

I think it's time for men/people to recognise that consent isn't just a general 'yes' and then people have to deal with whatever cr*p you throw at them in bed.

I suppose I have learned now to be explicit about what I'm consenting to. So if any men start wondering why they're suddenly being asked for girth, length and stamina. This is why. Haha jokes.

I mean this arrogant douche hadn't even considered viagra, and tried to tell me no other sexual partners had complained! What?! Then they were being typical, polite, agreeable women, because no way is shifting your weight every 5 seconds and climaxing after 2 mins acceptable bedroom behaviour!

People have different expectations/ different things that give them pleasure. The OP should be clear beforehand .

So if you agree to have your hair cut and it's a rubbish hair cut, would you use the expression "I never consented to this hair cut!"?

If you paid for a painter to paint your house and they did a crap job in the wrong colour would you say "I never consented to having my lounge painted like this!"

No.

Because we use consent to mean something much narrower and more specific than just "that's not what i wanted/expected and I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known this is what I would get"

We use it in a specific way around sex, to describe rape.

Absolutely.

OP doesn’t conflate any of what she experiences to rape…other posters ran with a misunderstanding of ‘informed consent’

Marital rape was legal thats why.

the more you post the more vile it gets

trying to say someone who doesn’t perform to you standard is the same as non consensual sex which is rape/sexual assault is beyond disgusting.

I have never been so angry at a mumsnet post. Absolutely vile.

The obligation is not on OP as she doesn’t have the performance issues

🤣

Yet OP rejected the fact she would need to disclose if she was bad at blow jobs 🤔 Works both ways surely … just not for OP 🤔

ODFOD. it was me you said that to. And it was offensive as you were comparing as if my experience was just worse than yours (but basically on the same spectrum).

It clearly amuses you to wind up rape survivors as there were ways of getting your point across without winding everyone up. It isn’t just about the words ‘informed consent’. you could have apologised and changes your wording going forward - in fact you would have done this if you were genuinely trying to get some support.

But no you keep defending your vile fucking attitude and I hope you are delighted with how you have made women feel on this thread.

Thank you for sharing that and I'm really sorry you experienced it. Although I wasn't physically hurt during my own experiences, the psychological impact stays with you (they say that about anyone experiencing violence actually: that it's how it made you feel that stays with you).

I certainly don't have trauma from my experiences, my post wasn't intended as a cry for help / therapy, more a lighthearted gentle nudge that we need to be moving in the direction of informing each other properly before initiating sex. It got sidetracked / hijacked very quickly.

And the solution seems obvious: better communication around what we want in the bedroom and from the experience.

With the slapping / verbal abuse. I meant to say earlier, this sounds like something seen in porn and repeated. I could be wrong.

So do you think it is comparable to rape then? OP sees it as the same spectrum.

Informed consent is a medical term used generally about information provided prior to a medical procedure ..it was a perfectly appropriate use of words in the post.

We talk about patients being ‘consented’

I’m a lawyer and we talk about consent to disclose ..I’m afraid your understanding of ‘informed consent’ is simply wrong

Seems like some people are triggered to attack because OP wanted a respectful sexual experience

I have been nothing but supportive of anyone sharing their stories. Your language towards me however, has been hateful and nasty.

Ah so you show sympathy to someone who has experienced something similar to you but not
those whose lives have been ruined by serious assault. Okay then. Makes sense

YABU stop weaponising he word consent to make a click bait thread on Mumsnet. You didn’t not consent because the sex was bad, it’s an offensive comparison.

You didn't "experience violence" you flannel

No need to be angry. That's what she wants. I think she's a goady troll. 🧌🧌

OP doesn’t …it seems PP dont understand the context in which “informed”consent is used ..which is not in sexual assault …it is used about having all the information in a medical / legal setting

Erm, so we are using ChatGPT now?

I agree, broadly, in the situations the OP describes, where sex is the main element of why two people are together. A man who talks his performance up, and then uses you as a wank receptacle, is an outrageous lying shit. He’s conned his way into bed.

💯

Please show where you were supportive (and the bit where you said that we had both suffered but mine was worse doesn’t count because it wasn’t supportive at all, it was in the spirit of ‘I tripped over and grazed my knee but I agree your experience of losing a leg was objectively worse’

Ok, but this has absolutely nothing to do with sex, it is a term in relation to medical operations. Consent when sex is concerned refers to being of free will, uncoerced,and with any factors likely to cause serious harm disclosed and agreed upon. If sex required informed consent like medical operations then most sexual encounters with someone you haven't known for years would be rape... You'd need a list of how often he washes his penis, what position do you like, basically an essay...

You think every medical record that confirms consent was obtained is offensive because it links that work to sexual violence?

OP very clearly says “informed consent” which is very different and used widely to mean “having all the information to decide”

Bad timing on my part however... Via experience, men usually come quickly the first time. If you're having a one night stand then you are playing a lottery. It's as and when a relationship builds ((I'm only talking a few times) is when longevity and thought and feelings and experiences, dare I say discussions happen.

@PeoplesNet Why are you having sex with these men straight away anyway! Genuine question. Clearly you aren't getting anything from it. They've probably peacocked home. It can't be doing your confidence much good.