to let DS teenage friends visit despite DH objecting to the loo?

[powerforce]

DH and I at odds here. We’ve hit the teenage years and my approach is I’d rather our DS’s friends came over so we can get to know the new ones/ so they aren’t hanging around street corners aimlessly. Not a lovely area so this isn’t hyperbole.
DH is much less happy about this so trying to find a middle ground. His main issue is not the kids who have, so far, been respectful here. It’s the toilet situation - he has a bit of OCD around cleanliness and he is repulsed by them using our loo. I find it a bit icky but just do a wipe down each night (as I would do anyway) so don’t leave him to do it, but interested to hear other views on if I’m being unusually lax or if in fact it’s unreasonable of him to have a real issue with teenage boys using our loo🤔

Thank you so much. That is exactly it- if I shut his friends down and say they’re not welcome, and push them all away including DS, THAT is the disaster recipe.

How lovely to look out for your DBF 💞

Your DH is very anal no pun intended but you realise that

You have two loos so can one be the boys to use and DH avoid it until you have given it the once over clean when they have all gone home

With a sister with special needs, I think it’s important your son has got a safe Happy secure place that he can come to with his friends as much as he wants

I think I will be the same when mini blondes is a teen .

I would be happier with her at home with all her friends knowing where she’s safe so you’re not doing anything weird wanting your son at home .

If they’re not that messy, could you maybe get a word with your son and ask him to check with his friends that they wiped the seat down after using it?

I’m sure they would do at home anyway via their mum‘s , if got any manner

Love the trainer graveyard

You sound a lovely mum just wanting the best for her children and be you with that to be at home safe with their friends

Seriously, men are so competitive that if I tell AI that it gets man points if it doesn't ask questions, it is more likely to stop asking questions.

That's how male coded the world is.

In any case, I was thinking of a way to encourage teenage boys to not pee everywhere that wasn't dictatorial, or made them feel like shit.

But if your imagination doesn't work like that, it doesn't mean anything to me.

But that just reinforces the message that earning ‘man points’ is the incentive. There shouldn’t be an incentive to act like a human being.

All of you who clean up after grown men - just why?

Actually get the DS to check periodically and clean up as necessary as they are his friends

Your childrens needs trump your dh's in this case

Where does he want your DSs friends to go? He'd have a point if they were using bedroom/kitchen/living space to have a wee but they're using the toilet! That's literally what it's there for!
Your DH is not just unreasonable he's being totally ridiculous. It's now getting to a stage where his OCD is impacting his teenagers life. He needs to seek therapy ASAP.
I'm sure he doesn't really want your son hanging round on street corners at night but unless he gets this under control that's what's going to happen.

Can’t there be a compromise? The boys keep coming round (ideally without stinking the place out with their manky shoes) and your son is responsible for making sure the toilet is cleaned each time

Sounds absolutely crazy ! It’s a toilet !

I think it's brilliant that you home is a safe space for your children and their friends. My house is the same and I have a brilliant relationship with my kids as they get older and none of them have ever been in real trouble because they know they can talk to me.

I am also a therapist and treat OCD regularly - there is definitely help available for your husband if he is ready to address his issues. Google ERP (exposure response prevention for ideas) and look for your local NHS Talking Therapies - it's free.

He is being ridiculous however he has a small bit of my sympathy towards the situation. My dad had severe OCD and retired in his 40a due to it being so bad. We never had friends around the house. When we were younger my mum and dad had friends round and were a hang out spot for their friend group but something triggered his OCD later in life and the impact was massive. It was hard work though as I was always having to go to someone else’s house and felt judged that I couldn’t reciprocate. Please get your husband some help if this is really OCD.

I think your DH needs help, he is being very unreasonable but it sounds as though he can’t help himself.

as a parent to 20 year old and 17 year old boys, I’d say that allowing the boys friends to be in the house, having fun and getting to know you (and vice versa) is essential for teenagers wellbeing. I’d much rather my boys feel they can bring their friends here than feel they have to hang out in the park….. where I can’t see who they are with or what they are doing. Your DH is BVU but I suspect he needs professional help.

There’s no such thing as ‘a bit of OCD’. It’s a genuine medical diagnosis and I wish people wouldn’t bandy the term around to refer to anyone who is a bit of a clean fiend.
He’s being massively unreasonable. Please don’t let him prevent your son having friends round.

I think it is really unusual to object to your children's friends using your loo. He obviously has some anxiety that he should deal with rather than constrain your child.

This is mad! It's your sons home so his friends should we welcome until/unless they do something that means they're not welcome. Using the toilet is very normal. Do you never have friends or visitors? Do you never use the toilet outside your home? The mind boggles....

Your husband's issues shouldn't become your children's issues. It's healthy to have a social life and it's healthy for them to be outside.

Your children's needs are more important than those of your husband's. He needs to get help from a professional.

Oh your h is weird

That's such a shame, as it's such a positive thing that they want to come to your house.

My friends always came back to our house. Some of them had terrible home lives. One in particular had a violent family. My home was a safe place where they could relax and my family welcomed them. They are still my friends today and for that I am extremely grateful.
OP you are doing a really good thing allowing your son’s friends to come over.

OP, you sound lovely; kind and level-headed. You've argued your points politely and thoroughly.

Having your children's friends want to spend time at your home is great. My home was the "safe haven" for my bf. We weren't angels, but having a welcoming and loving environment for my bf meant a lot. For those who are saying it will be a disaster in a few years - they have no idea. My bf is happily married with a good job and lovely children.

It's a real shame your husband seems to have mental health issues which are impacting your family. I hope it doesn't end up resulting in a more distant relationship with your children, although it sounds like it has already.

Keep doing what you're doing x

Frankly, if it’s affecting the family having normal visitors stop by, your husband needs help. Such preoccupations are not normal.

So grateful for the kind responses here. DH not speaking now after 3
friends over today. I’ve had a chat with DS to (try) and explain this is not a him problem, it’s a problem with DH and his friends are truly
Welcome here by me and we’ve agreed for now they’ll use the upstairs loo if possible (they all hang out in DS bedroom and bathroom is right next to the bedrooms so makes sense) so I am at least trying to help DH without giving in completely to irrational thoughts. That way he can come in and the kitchen and living room will be quiet for him. Really appreciate the stories of similar welcoming homes when younger and how much it meant. Thank you kind souls ☀️