to let DS teenage friends visit despite DH objecting to the loo?

[powerforce]

DH and I at odds here. We’ve hit the teenage years and my approach is I’d rather our DS’s friends came over so we can get to know the new ones/ so they aren’t hanging around street corners aimlessly. Not a lovely area so this isn’t hyperbole.
DH is much less happy about this so trying to find a middle ground. His main issue is not the kids who have, so far, been respectful here. It’s the toilet situation - he has a bit of OCD around cleanliness and he is repulsed by them using our loo. I find it a bit icky but just do a wipe down each night (as I would do anyway) so don’t leave him to do it, but interested to hear other views on if I’m being unusually lax or if in fact it’s unreasonable of him to have a real issue with teenage boys using our loo🤔

These 12 year old boys have no curfews and are allowed out until whatever time they fancy.

The live in a very deprived area

They attend a very hands off school

Let’s be honest - these poor kids are almost being set up to be picked up by drug dealers.

a run is lovely idea but not possible as we work shifts and care for DD. There are no local sports centres or pools, nearest one is a 1.5 bus ride away so we go once a
month as a family trip. I can’t afford private online tutoring but I do my best to educate my children however i can at home. My DS isn’t bored or up to not good, he’s just happy hanging out with friends.

OP sounds like they're doing a great job. They have a daughter with additional needs and their home is somewhere that teenage boys are happy to hang out in, that's no mean feat.
OP doesn't mention activities, that doesn't mean that her children aren't involved in activities, it's just not relevant to the post.
OP also mentions living in a relatively deprived area and not having the funds for a tutor. Not everyone has the money for activities, no matter how well-priced.

The other commenter's comment about the "have" and "have nots" is spot on.

My son and his friends are waiting to be picked by drug dealers?!
i can’t work out if you’re being beningly ignorant or deliberately inflammorty. School are actually very hands on, I don’t believe said otherwise? Homework is optional at this stage, if there’s what you mean? Not exactly a lifelong death sentence. I grew up on this estate, had no curfew because we all just went between each others houses as our parents often worked night shifts as job opportunities were limited, and I didn’t get groomed into a drugs gang🙄 I grew up with a respect for others and got a degree through college then university as no fees here. I work full time, as does DH. Please don’t belittle our lives just because we don’t live in an affluent area; that’s hurtful.

Thank goodness not everyone is as stigmatising as you are.

To write these kids off based on that is a crime in itself.

12 year old boys with absolutely no curfew indicates parents that truly don’t give a flying fig about them.

These poor kids have been handed the shittiest spoon in life and sadly that does often lead to a very sad life

and clearly I was not talking about your son

Is your husband still blanking you?

I guess that's the danger of written comments, they are construed by different readers in different ways.

For example, suggesting I read your post slowly comes across as quite patronising, which hasn't improved my impression of you, although perhaps you didn't mean to come across as patronising...

Why can’t he go to their houses?” and he does often do this but I don’t love
it as in some of these houses I know they are completely unsupervised and there are drugs around so I’d always rather they were here.

so I can’t understand why one wouldn’t be worried about the possibility of drugs l

The op literally says that in some of the boys homes they are left completely unsupervised and there’s drugs!!

Fully disagree….
their parents/ guardians love them, it’s just a different way of parenting to you. They are nice boys, respectful, and I think the “shittiest spoon” would be chronic ill health or bereavement, not living in a less than affluent area. You sound incredibly judgemental.

Your poor kids. Your husband doesn't want their mates to use the loo and you think it's a bit icky?
You both have issues that need addressing before you cause problems for your children, if you haven't already.

Agree! Many of us grew up in working class communities, often “unsupervised” in our teenage years and somehow didn’t become drug dealers 🙄 They sound like nice boys.

Edit: typo!

i will be clearer: there are rumours of substance abuse histories in some of the boys extended families. I don’t know who is doing what, or what is or isn’t true, because while they were at primary school kids would need their parent /guardians to arrange play dates. High school kids arrange their social life without mum / dad/ nan/ older sibling etc. So to be safe, I’d prefer
my DS to not go to their houses 🤷‍♀️it doesn’t mean I’m worried he or
his friends are taking drugs/ being groomed for gangs as some posters seem worried about.

ummm what issue do I have? That sometimes teenage boys leaving smelly shoes and sprinkly wees are (affectionately) icky?! If that’s my only issue, I’ll take it!

I don’t think you need to have OCD to not want to clean up other peoples piss or shit stains from your own toilet…..especially if it’s not from your own family member 🤢

I mean no one WANTS to do this 🤔well if they do that’s a whole different ball game! But a wee wipe round at the end of the day with my antic-bac wipes and domestos and voila, all is well. I do it anyway due to my DD immune deficiency. Toilets are …toilets. And it’s not common there’s a mess, just sometimes a teenage boy in a hurry and not double checking. It’s not a big deal to me.

Speak to your child and ask then to tell their friends to wipe the loo seat or whatever they splash.

They need educating, as most men do this throughout their lives!
Someone needs to tell them.

Your son presumably is the best one to do this.

'Mum says you're welcome to use the loo- no problems- but just wipe up any drips please.'

He does / I have and they all say sorry, will do etc. and 99% of the time they do! it’s not a big deal, they’re not farm animals, and the ocd my DH has with them using the loo is the concept of them using it, not the mess (which is always gone if there is any as I do a wee wipe down when DD goes to bed which 6 out of 7 nights is before he’s home as he’s on the middle shifts.

I guess the overall issue is that you clearly want a busy more lively household where DS can invite friends over freely but DH wants a quieter more peaceful home and not have a bunch a teens hanging around.

Neither are wrong or right, just different. I think you need to come to so some of compromise because it’s all of your homes.

I actually love peace and quiet! But I want to put my kids’ needs and safety first. DH doesn’t, and that’s the conflict I was keen to others’ opinions on.

But what you’re doing is putting your wants and needs first. The need to have DS at home so you can oversea what he’s doing and therefore worry less. You said you don’t want him round his friend’s houses because of drugs etc so therefore you would prefer them all at your home….Well DH doesn’t feel comfortable with them in the home so who’s needs are more important?

Don’t dress this up as a need of DS it’s for you. Fair enough he should be allowed a friend/friends round from time to time, but it’s very different to your house being ‘the base hub’ that you see to want. I can understand DH not wanting this.

I’m absolutely putting his needs above my own. I work hard, it’s a small house, I’d love it to be just the 4 of us with a candle
and a box set at night but that’s not possible. 1. We work alternate shifts, 2. DD is
fatigued so in bed early and 3. Id prefer my son safe here where I can get to know his friends and they’re not out freezing in
the park. If that makes me selfish, then so be it (but I don’t think it does)

If that makes me selfish, then so be it (but I don’t think it does)

Of course you don’t because you only see it from your point of view. I haven’t called you selfish but I do think you’re dressing this up as being ‘DS’s needs and wants’ but actually it’s yours.

DS needs to gain life experience at some point and he will be exposed to drugs and drink and all sorts, that’s a given. You can’t wrap them in cotton wool, you can only guide them to make the best choices in life.

DH however, who I’m assuming you also love and care about isn’t comfortable here especially due to his OCD is just expected to put up and shut up.

I can see both sides, unlike you.