to let DS teenage friends visit despite DH objecting to the loo?

[powerforce]

DH and I at odds here. We’ve hit the teenage years and my approach is I’d rather our DS’s friends came over so we can get to know the new ones/ so they aren’t hanging around street corners aimlessly. Not a lovely area so this isn’t hyperbole.
DH is much less happy about this so trying to find a middle ground. His main issue is not the kids who have, so far, been respectful here. It’s the toilet situation - he has a bit of OCD around cleanliness and he is repulsed by them using our loo. I find it a bit icky but just do a wipe down each night (as I would do anyway) so don’t leave him to do it, but interested to hear other views on if I’m being unusually lax or if in fact it’s unreasonable of him to have a real issue with teenage boys using our loo🤔

I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying that the OP'S husband/partner could lightheartedly teach young men how not to sprinkle and how to clean.

Man points are not given by women. They are given by men to each other.

I'm trying to propose a way where women DON'T have to clean up after other teenage boys AND get a man to teach them basic manners.

If we don't provide incentives for good behaviour, we provide punishments or live with a shitty situation. Literally.

You get better results with a carrot than a stick.

How else do they learn? They obviously haven't been taught properly how to use or clean the toilet. If the OP does not want to clean up after other people's teenagers, she either stops letting them come round or does something to encourage them to be clean.

I met the CEO of a charity who work with teens who are at high risk of/have been stabbed. He said the best way to protect your kids is to get to know their friends and welcome them into your home. Your husband is a fool.

Just read your update. Your husband sounds like a passive aggressive bully. How dare he not speak to you all. Your poor son. I would be reading my husband the riot act.

Did you dh want kids ? As sounds like he doesn’t even like his son

he should be happy that he has friends and they want to hang at yours

He’s def unreasonable but if he’s actually got OCD he needs treatment/meds. Theres no such thing as ‘a bit of’ OCD though, but obviously it can be mild.

It's worth looking up OCD particularly the bit about contamination.
If he has OCD the thoughts are not logical. But doesn't stop them being disturbing.

Just responding to the construction of DH as abuser/ controlling etc. And observing This doesn't seem to be the OPs take.
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/symptoms-of-ocd/#WhatAreObsessions

I assume you are having a joke?

Sadly DH Refuses to acknowledge he has a medical condition with OCD and is adamant he just likes things being clean and he hates the mess and noise that comes with kids being round (with the exception of our 2!). Long standing issue and one we simply do not see the same way sadly. I can’t force him to get help when he doesn’t think there is anything wrong.

How do these people manage to find romantic partners, let alone procreate?

I take it they aren't actually missing the bowl?

I think it's lovely that you open your home up like this, OP. As with so many things in life, we can't do everything, but we can do something. It may well turn out that you welcoming these teens into your home acts as a much-needed protective factor in their lives.

Your DH sounds mad I'm afraid. He needs to speak to someone about how he is feeling as it's not normal to not want people in your house.

I'm desperate for my DS to bring his mates round and do everything I can to encourage it. Where else do teenage boys have to safely hang out? The park? Bus stops? Places where they can get into bother?? Or they go to their mates houses where they are made welcome and you barely see him/them. None of which I want for my DS.

Your husband will be happy in his quiet sterile home but will you and your son?

@powerforce how does your DH feel about your DD having friends over? Is he ok with that? Or is it anyone?

I'm probably in the minority here (on Mumsnet anyway...) but I also wouldn't be asking my teen DS to check the loo after his mates have used it. Do adults go in and inspect the toilet after their friends have been in?? This will make him look weird to his mates and teen boys confidence is very fragile.

Open the window in the loo they are meant to use before the come in and go in once they've all gone to have a look. If it's left in a mess a brisk reminder to them all about aiming and flushing when they come round the next time should be enough.

You sound like a lovely mum @powerforce and it sounds like your husband should have thought a bit more about the reality of having children before he did so , unfortunately for him he did not do so and now will have to live with the consequences of his actions .

Honestly your DH reminds me of my late parents tbh. I never felt confortable inviting 6th form friends over to hang out. I felt my friends were never made to feel welcome. We used to hang out at my friends house instead as her Mum was lovely. I couldn't wait to escape to Uni & only lived at home for 11 months once I'd graduated then fled South to live in shared rented house near my boyfriend. That was 30 years ago and I never really enjoyed visiting in all those years if I'm being honest. OP your DH needs to seek help for his OCD or your DC are going to have a barren time in their teenage years! Btw my DC are 22 & 18 & you have a LOT more gross things heading your way over the next decade 🤣 Just wait til they discover alcohol and throwing up in your toilet or elsewhere. Wasn't your DH a teenage boy at one stage?

We built a garden room at the bottom of our garden (which I know not everyone can afford or has the space for) & it was finished straight after lockdown when my son turned 14 i think. Its been a godsend as its sound-proofed & large enough for a darts board/3/4 size pool table/our old TV and our really old sofas. My DS mates sleep over in there & hang out up there all the time. We keep bedding up there plus an inflatable bed and an old Z bed. They just use the house for the loo (I know they pee in the garden but I don't care too much) & to come raid the cupboards & fridge. Yes they are round all the time but honestly I'd rather that than hanging out in the park.

Side issue but give you describe the school as very hands off and no homework and very deprived area…. Would you consider one day after school private tuition after school for your son and that tutor sets homework?

we had a private tutor for our two when at state and really complemented the learning by beefing up what they were learning at school, plus set homework

In an ideal world I would but there are no private tutors in the area and I can’t afford one.

Could you look at an online offering? Much cheaper. Just so your son gets some homework at least and a bit more than the school is giving

As for what your thread is actually about… I would just say to boy that always happy for them to come over but please could they leave the toilet as they found it, and you’ll leave out some wipes for them. Job done.

Sounds like you’re doing all the clean ups not your DH? So he can butt out (excuse the pun)

I’d be looking in to arranging something for my son 2 nights a week after school.

Perhaps a run with his you or his dad?
a local sports club?
a swim?
an online tutor session?

Something, anything.

This post really separates the haves and the have nots.
I think youre doing a great job your son feels comfortable enough to bring friends home and you get to see who hes hanging around with. trust and respect go a long way with teens.
The snooty people looking down their noses about children from disadvantaged families suggesting drugs and clutch pearling at no homework need to realise that drugs are prevalent in all walks of life and its usually the rich kids doing coke on a night out theyre the kids that have never had any freedom and then go wild when they do

And the naivety
the 2 boys I know who had to leave uni with serious ket addictions both went to 40000 a year public school