to let DS teenage friends visit despite DH objecting to the loo?

[powerforce]

DH and I at odds here. We’ve hit the teenage years and my approach is I’d rather our DS’s friends came over so we can get to know the new ones/ so they aren’t hanging around street corners aimlessly. Not a lovely area so this isn’t hyperbole.
DH is much less happy about this so trying to find a middle ground. His main issue is not the kids who have, so far, been respectful here. It’s the toilet situation - he has a bit of OCD around cleanliness and he is repulsed by them using our loo. I find it a bit icky but just do a wipe down each night (as I would do anyway) so don’t leave him to do it, but interested to hear other views on if I’m being unusually lax or if in fact it’s unreasonable of him to have a real issue with teenage boys using our loo🤔

What a nasty post.

That was not nasty at all.

This is a forum where we have different opinions and views and openly debate them. Nothing I said was nasty.

You might not agree with it but that all part of the forum. I personally can see both sides to this and understand why DH is feeling a certain way.

I think the poster means your issue is a husband that blanks you for days on end and creates a horrible atmosphere in the holiday home?

Family home!

Is it beyond you @powerforce or your son just to say in a lighthearted way 'Wipe the splashes up in the loo please'.

It's basic good manners to leave the loo clean and young lads need to learn.

I notice that in communal loos where they are for men and women, the men leave a puddle on the floor or wet the seat. I've asked DP why and he says because they are lazy and don't give it a thought.

If young teenage lads were educated on this it might improve for everyone!

Toilets used by other people are not urinals- and men need to learn to wipe the drips up!

We always wanted our children's friends to feel welcome in our home, as you say OP, much better than having them wandering the streets. Your husband would benefit from some therapy to tackle this, I bet it impacts on other things too. I sometimes wish my DH was a bit more concerned with cleaning the house, but I'd rather his laid back attitude anyday.

I’ve explained I can see his side but I’ve done all I can to help him and he’s completely in denial about his OCD. There is nothing more I can do there without offering an ultimatum which I don’t want to do. From this post I know the best way to keep young people off the streets and engaged in conversations around good choices is to not push them away, and I want DS to be able to have his friends here, which is a normal thing to do, without DH feeling angry about guests using the toilet.

Oh he doesn’t blank us for days on end! He just goes quiet for a while and hides in his book. It’s our home, sadly no holiday home, I wish!

I think if he’s interested in cleanliness…
Then he’s able to clean-up after them?

Correct, I don’t know specifically about drugs as my DS has never seen them in the houses, just that there are commnuity rumours which I try and take with a pinch of salt but also keep my DS safe. I know the quickest way to make something appealing and secretive to a teenager is to “ban” it so I discourage him going there which means they come here, which DS prefers anyway. They are unsupervised in the sense some of his friends are allowed to be home alone (I know many 13 year old are) but I personally wouldn’t want a group unsupervised at home for hours.

homes. Many come from very challenging backgrounds and through no fault of their own have little supervision or rules or curfews.

Why can’t he go to their houses?” and he does often do this but I don’t love
it as in some of these houses I know they are completely unsupervised and there are drugs around so I’d always rather they were here.

Do not ever ever allow your son to go to these boys houses given what you describe above.

The moment I ban him it opens up the chance for him to feel the need to be secretive. That’s a worry for me, so all I’ve asked him is to try and stay in our house which he prefers as it’s warm/ cosy/ snacks etc.

If he was a mid teen I would understand but he is very much a child if 12 or 13… I think having a rule that you don’t go to the houses of boys where there is drug paraphernalia lying around and no parental supervision at all…. Is a pretty reasonable one.

A request with a reason. yes. And he’s abiding by it. A ban? He will simply become secretive. Worked too long with teenagers to know this.

Each to their own. But my 12/13 year old would be told…. Your friends are all welcome here but I don’t want you going to XYZ’s home as I don’t want you around drugs. So let’s agree now - you don’t ever go around to their homes!

Presumably you have tracking on his phone?

Sounds like SS should be involved with an unsupervised 13 year old allowed out until the early hours and living with drug paraphernalia

You sound like a really lovely mum. I used to love having a house full of teenage boys. For those who aren't used to teenage boys they can seem a bit daunting but then they come round and they are awkward in their own bodies, polite and funny ( even if they can't quite make eye contact).
This will reap rewards in the future as well if you are known to all his friends.
I don't know how you get round the DH problem but you must find a way.

I’m sure they already are

Respectfully happy to agree to disagree with an imperative to a teenager about his friends!
yes I can track him and he's always happy for me to do so

DH not speaking now after 3
friends over today.

This is his childish response? So if the boys are very very regularly over…does that mean your husband is in a near perpetual state of being pissed off?

I used to love having a house full of teenage boys. For those who aren't used to teenage boys they can seem a bit daunting but then they come round and they are awkward in their own bodies, polite and funny

Awww yeah so cute and funny….leaving shit stains and pissing on the toilet seat while their smelly trainers fester in the hallway, bless. And you honestly think if they are using drugs that isn’t going to then be brought into OPs home - somewhere thats so cosy and warm with snacks ‘tinkley laugh’.

Delusional.

Really hope you don’t work in secondary education or have teenage boys

Nope.

And I hope you don’t honestly think having this open door policy to DS’s drug taking mates is going to mean DS won’t ever touch drugs.

Like I said delusional…..