to let DS teenage friends visit despite DH objecting to the loo?

[powerforce]

DH and I at odds here. We’ve hit the teenage years and my approach is I’d rather our DS’s friends came over so we can get to know the new ones/ so they aren’t hanging around street corners aimlessly. Not a lovely area so this isn’t hyperbole.
DH is much less happy about this so trying to find a middle ground. His main issue is not the kids who have, so far, been respectful here. It’s the toilet situation - he has a bit of OCD around cleanliness and he is repulsed by them using our loo. I find it a bit icky but just do a wipe down each night (as I would do anyway) so don’t leave him to do it, but interested to hear other views on if I’m being unusually lax or if in fact it’s unreasonable of him to have a real issue with teenage boys using our loo🤔

They come back! About mid 20's they start realising having parties at home is much cheaper than going out, mine would set up the poker table and they would all have a great night. They clean up too!. Once they get their own places it tails off again. I miss the parties and gatherings but we moved away so can't blame the DC.

Why would someone's opinion that comes from a place that is separated from reality carry weight?

If he decided aliens were communicating with the OP via the family TV, would it be fine to cover it up with tin foil and forbid the family from watching it?

Completely agree with having them at home. rather than roaming round.
I can see you've a challenge there. I think your priorities are right there's no easy answer to your DHS condition.

Is there any chance you could chat to them about how important it is to keep the house clean for your DDs benefit. Ask if they could just be extra mindful about any mess? If they know that they’re helping to keep her well they might try a bit harder??

So these boys have very lax parents despite being very young and a lot is aimless free time after school and over the weekends? this is a recipe for a LOT of serious trouble in a few years @powerforce .

Definitely no drugs or alcohol because these boys are 12/13 (or even younger is first year of high school) NOW

But the way you describe these boys as having no parental involvement, very deprived and a school with no homework or clubs….In a few years…. OP you won’t be posting so lightheartedly

How old is your daughter?

how many of these boys are coming over?

It makes me really happy when my boys have friends over. Both are now at uni and the house has been empty. One DS is back from a year abroad and said he hoped I wouldn’t mind but he’d told various mates they can stay at ours when they are in London. I’m keen to meet them and very happy to put random young men up occasionally. He’s also living at home for final year… I’m looking forward to it!

Good luck OP you sound lovely and have a lot more patience than me.

Any extreme behaviour can badly impact a family whether that's extreme mess or extremely tidy or drugs or drink to extreme....hobbies to the extreme anything extreme religion and so on

His OCD is impacting family life and i don't think that's ok to foist on everyone to live with

If he can recognise this disorder and appreciation of the impact it has on others then it's easier all around to come to a compromise.

If he struggles with self reflection and impact and can't see others pov have you considered he may have sen?

Why does it matter
give it a rest on the boy hate crusade

Your husband can’t stop his son having friends around just because he’s weird about them using the toilet, that’s just ridiculous

Why does what matter?

a) it matters how old DD is. Why? Does she not ever want friends over? And you don’t think she might be embarrassed that her friends are faced with a toilet like that?

b) and asking how many boys over… you don’t think relevant if we are talking two boys or 12 boys over after school so often?

boy hate? Don’t be so daft. Mum of two boys here.

Following on- have you got contact details for their parents for communication purposes?
You referred to one of them being in care - carers ought to know where he is at all times- it's an additional.issue when it's not their child-
Also assume you are there with your daughter. Older Kids have the whole spread of tendencies adults have
Completely support your approach and supervision and communication is key.

one lad in the care of his 19 year old brother and I do have his wife’s contact number. The others, I don’t. Here it’s very unusual to have the contact details of the parents / guardians of high school friends unless you know them personally somehow which I don’t. The rest are either with a parent or a grandparent and I don’t have their numbers.

She is 15, not sure why it’s relevant? She is happy to see them, has her own friends over when she feels well enough (she has 1 or 2 close friends). On any given day I’d say between 1-4 boys pop by. Everyone lives near to each other so they just knock on the door (when younger they’d then play out on the street but they are bigger now.

Well if addiction issues develop that make it feel uncomfortable I’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. But banning them from my home because their parents or family have a challenging time seems both harsh and cruel to both them and DS. I don’t want him out on the streets or in some of these flats so this feels safer. Also not sure where I’ve been blithely lighthearted over any serious issue here 🤷‍♀️

while I’d love to fix multi-generational poverty and unemployment, I don’t think I can! I also can’t afford to move to an affluent suburb where there is no receipe tor disaster (yes I’m being bit facetious here). Therefore my second best is to help my son feel he can bring friends home where it’s safe.

Do you know what? I fully agree with you. That was the best part of my life too. I am so sorry my dc could not experience that. But this was my decision after the son of a good friend was stabbed to death, hanging out with friends.

Why the hell are you there at the loo with antibac and wipes??? Why the fuck isn't he doing it if he's the one with the problem ?? Wtaf

Yes I can see with teenagers it's less common.
But if they are often with you and it's a parenting thing with the other families- it might be a good investment establishing channells- just in case. There might be occasions where you might needs to do boundaries or say no. We all know the kinds of bother teens get into and it sounds like you are someone who cares enough to take that bit more responsibility. You would be seen as responsible for them when with you, especially if parents don't know where they are. . There are some kind of snobbish attitudes but actually any teenager is vulnerable. Glad u have the one number.

My brother used to have 1 to 4 boys pop by per day. He was a drug dealer

Id be absolutely open to this but I just don’t think they would happily exchange their contact details with me. I think would not understand me wanting to be able to call them in case of emergency, they contact their kids through mobiles and the general understanding here is once in high school you don’t message parents / guardians anymore unless you are friends with them. These kids often go to raves /big parties (not my DS) so for them to give me their number when they’ve popped round from the block of flats I can see from my kitchen window we just make 0 sense to them.

I’m so sorry to hear that. Must have been really had 😔

My friends parents used to let us all use their house every weekend. They had a separate ‘back lounge’ with a toilet and we used to pile in there- up to 20 of us at times 😂

That toilet saw a lot of horrors! But I am so grateful to those parents for those wonderful years. Best years of my life without a doubt. Those teenage years with your mates are just the best.

You are 100% correct. I think some of the posters on here are used to a very different world than what most people experience. My daughter is super lucky but not all of her friends are and I will always be a safe place for them as well as for her. I gave her best friend my phone number as she has a complicated home life and asked for it ‘just in case’. I promised her that if she called me I’d come get her if she needs to get out one night. And I stand by that decision.

You are a safe refuge for them and I’m guessing they will appreciate and respect it. Maybe not forever and maybe not every one of them, but you’re keeping your son safe and that’s your primary responsibility. If you kick them out or make them unwelcome, he’ll just go to their homes or out on the street and what’s the plan then? Your husband is being really short sighted here. Fair enough to have boundaries and a time they go home, but any alternative some people are imagining is utter nonsense. It’s not like if you kick them out they’ll suddenly start going to taekwando classes or scouts or the library or whatever - we know exactly what will happen and it’s far worse than a sometimes messy loo.