to let DS teenage friends visit despite DH objecting to the loo?

[powerforce]

DH and I at odds here. We’ve hit the teenage years and my approach is I’d rather our DS’s friends came over so we can get to know the new ones/ so they aren’t hanging around street corners aimlessly. Not a lovely area so this isn’t hyperbole.
DH is much less happy about this so trying to find a middle ground. His main issue is not the kids who have, so far, been respectful here. It’s the toilet situation - he has a bit of OCD around cleanliness and he is repulsed by them using our loo. I find it a bit icky but just do a wipe down each night (as I would do anyway) so don’t leave him to do it, but interested to hear other views on if I’m being unusually lax or if in fact it’s unreasonable of him to have a real issue with teenage boys using our loo🤔

He is being unreasonable.

OCD is horrible and hard to live with but he needs to have CBT for it so that he doesn’t feel so anxious about minor things. I’ve just had CBT which has been brilliant

This is exactly how I felt, despite my ex DH not liking it

my house was the last day of term hangout, hall full of giant shoes, big platters of fajita toppings for them to construct

footie tournaments in the garden, talking to them about shite

living room full of lanky, smelly teenage boys the next morning

I didn’t have this upbringing and I so wanted it for my boys

I own several teenage boys. He's being ridiculous.

I would have the ick if my DH was so prissy. You are parenting well if your house is the one that want to hang out in.

This is your son's home, too.

As everyone's said, your husband is unusual in his attitude, I hope he can find a way to accept it for your whole family's sake. He definitely risks pushing your son away. Does he have any understanding of this?

I think I read you have 2 toilets. Could you ask guests to only use one and your husband can limit himself to using the other so he doesn't have to experience using the same toilet space? Also interested in how he manages if out and about, does he only ever use the toilet in your own house? Just curious!

It sounds like it's not just about the toilet thing, though, and he doesn't want them in the house generally? He really needs to work through this as he has chosen to have a partner and children who have lives of their own!

Your DH needs to get a grip

It’s great his friends want to come round and he wants them to

What does your husband actually want your son to do?
Not see his friends, spend all his time isolated, or online?
Not feel comfortable having g friends round but instead go to his mates houses which imay expose him to people and situations that are potentially dangerous or at least uncomfortable depending on how bad the area really is
Hang about in parks, high street benches etc un gangs and the problems that are associated with that

Yes it might be annoying having guests. What what practical alternative would he actually be happy with?

I think it’s a control thing for my
DH and he’s centred on the toilet but it’s not that at heart. He wants to come in to a peaceful house, tidy, and relax. Loud, smelly teenage boys in a small house puts his back up. It’s a shame as it was the same
when they were younger, just instead of toilet use he’d be annoyed by slime
kits and Pokemon cards everywhere. In many ways sadly
i think he’d have been happier living alone but he loves us all so that was never
on the cards.

I have OCD that manifests around toilet issues. It has never stopped me having dc’s friends over. That’s my issue, not theirs. I use the upstairs loo until I feel comfortable doing otherwise.

Genuinely yes 😢if I had £1 for
each time he’s said “why is it always our bloody house they come
to? Why can’t he go to their houses?” and he does often do this but I don’t love
it as in some of these houses I know they are completely unsupervised and there are drugs around so I’d always rather they were here.

My eldest is a girl and so I always wanted to be the house that they all go to or end up in as I worried about her safety on the streets even though we live in a nice area.

That continued when DS became a teenager. They all come to our house. I really like it because I get to know all the kids really well and I always know where they are. They do go out but always tend to start or come back here.

Re toilet issue, I have no issue shouting out to the general house “whoever has left the loo in a state, get in here and tidy it up please”. It doesn’t take long for the boys to realise that I’m cool with them all being here but they better not treat the place like a zoo. Now they’re all 14 I no longer need to remind them.

We’ve always encouraged and allowed both our kids friends to socialise in our house to avoid the scenarios described by others where the kids are hanging around outside.
It’s meant a lot of cleaning, many toilet rolls and multiple snacks but it doesn’t matter they’re all welcome and always respectful when they’re here.

Sounds about white

I’m sorry Op, DH doesn’t sound great to live with or a particularly caring father. Is he generous in other ways / pull his weight generally?

given you have two toilets could you try to ring fence one for guests until DH has worked on his OCD?

I think you’re doing a great job in the circumstances and should feel good that DS and his friends want to be at yours and feel safe there

It's such a shame your DH doesn't feel the same. Even if he doesn't say anything it still affects the household vibe

best of luck getting him to accept it!

Sorry if missed but is there the one toilet in the house @powerforce ?

So these boys are 12/13? Very young to not have curfews and all this freedom

Your DH has an over-protective attitude to his toilet that amounts to a MH issue.

Can your DH do a comedy "here's how to clean after yourself" with the lads?

'Here are the marigolds - preferably pink. Here is the bleach and the antibac. Here's how you use a loo brush/toilet duck with an extra "and of course if you aim for the exact centre of the bowl you won't sprinkle"'.

At the very least put a sticker on the bottom of the bowl for them to aim at.

This is meant to be lighthearted. I can imagine my DH saying, "Lads! It's time to learn how to be proper men and earn man points from your mum and future spouses and partners!" As he pulls on and pings a pair of pink rubber gloves...

‘A bit of OCD’?

If he’s been diagnosed then that is understandable. Or do you mean he’s OTT about cleaning

‘Man points’? Wow, way to make it sound like they are doing something for the little ladies 🙄

You claim it’s lighthearted but so many men are brought up to be expect a round of applause for doing stuff as part of being an adult.

How about ‘lads it’s time to learn to be proper men and clean your own shitty stains up’

I completely understand where he’s coming from but I think having the kids safe in the house is more important as the loo can be cleaned.

Agreed. The OP is almost as bad as her husband.

That did make me laugh. My dad is the same level of OCD (still remembers a tradesman who did a no.2 in our loo 20 years ago) and also would never accept he has a problem.

I always used to think this but I find my daughter has vastly less homework than I did and the clubs/society provision is also far less plentiful.