to let DS teenage friends visit despite DH objecting to the loo?

[powerforce]

DH and I at odds here. We’ve hit the teenage years and my approach is I’d rather our DS’s friends came over so we can get to know the new ones/ so they aren’t hanging around street corners aimlessly. Not a lovely area so this isn’t hyperbole.
DH is much less happy about this so trying to find a middle ground. His main issue is not the kids who have, so far, been respectful here. It’s the toilet situation - he has a bit of OCD around cleanliness and he is repulsed by them using our loo. I find it a bit icky but just do a wipe down each night (as I would do anyway) so don’t leave him to do it, but interested to hear other views on if I’m being unusually lax or if in fact it’s unreasonable of him to have a real issue with teenage boys using our loo🤔

Teenage guests? Where do they find the time for visits? Don't they have to revise and prepare for exams? Do they not have clubs and societies to attend? Homework? Teenage guests? I allowed mine Sat and Sun 4 hours each, in town, before dark, had a curfew, strictly enforced.
But if ds prefers guests at home rather than going out for a few hours, then your husband is being massively unreasonable. I doubt he himself poos butterflies.

Your husband needs to get some help! He's being ridiculous 🙄 we have 5 sons, our house was always full of teenage boys eating us out of house and home and leaving a big pile of huge trainers in the hallway 😂 not once did any of them leave a grim mess in the toilet that I can remember! Most people avoid number twos in someone else's house if they can, don't they? We had many sleepovers over the years and I don't ever remember the toilets being bad.

I think a bit of perspective is needed here. Are they drinking? Smoking weed in the garden? Stealing from you? Damaging your belongings?

They are using your toilet. Does he have issues with other guests using the toilet or just teenagers? Perhaps he could shuttle them to the nearest public wc while they are visiting?

Surely that's what the toilet is for! That's what we're using ours for. I would be happy that he's got friends, and friends that are happy to hang out in your house. I enjoyed being around my daughters friends, they'd say hello etc

Honestly? No. Very little homework expectation, and not in exam year yet, it’s a very deprived area and few of them attend any extra curricular activities or clubs or have a curfew. It’s why I’d rather my son was here with them as I don’t like them being out on the street corners. I do have a 9:30pm weekday curfew for
them to shuffle home but only because I want to go to bed!

My DH's dad had OCD. He missed out on so much because of it. And FIL's desire to control his home in order to feel safe has only gotten worse over the years. Honestly, as adults it's a nightmare to visit him or arrange to meet up. This affects his and MIL's relationship with both their son and their grandchildren.

Don't let him ban your son from normal teenage things to make himself more comfortable. It's not fair on your child and could make his desire for control stronger in the long run.

I have 3 sons and have learnt people are extraordinarily obsessed and bothered by a bit of a sprinkle
have come to accept that I am abnormally desensitised to it, and used to hovering if I went for a night wee when they were little

Definitely no drugs or alcohol, I know some vape but they respect my request not to do so in the house. Yes they leave smelly trainers and giant puffy coats in the hall but they take their shoes off and always say hello and thank you and tell me what’s been going on at school so it all feels respectful and selfishly I like knowing my son is comfortable enough to bring them here.

Your DH needs to take responsibility for his problems and be proactive about getting some help. It could be contamination OCD, I’m no expert, but he can’t just accept it and expect the rest of you to bend around him. Your son lives there too and he needs a normal social life.

Your husband is being completely ridiculous. My DS is only 10 and in year 5 but I will be taking the same view as you when he moves to senior school.

It's a bit ironic that he's the one with OCD and is "very ordered with cleanliness" but it sounds like you are the one who does all the cleaning!

He is BU about the toilet issue (and a few other things!), but I can understand why he doesn't always want random kids around the house. Could you compromise in that they only use one toilet and he can use the other and not worry about who's been in there, and limit them coming over to set days so he can mentally prepare for them being there/relax knowing they won't be?

It sounds like you are building good relationships with your sons friends who sound well mannered and perfectly reasonable. I think when someone's preference for cleanliness gets in the way of having a normal family life then it needs addressing. I could only understand it if they were being rude or disrespectful or if he was trying to work and they were being too loud

Peak MN 🏅

We have lived and live in a deprived area too, so no extracurriculars here. So we took them to a good area to the French Institute (Alliance) (£5.00 a lesson it was then). Mainly to instil discipline outside of school.

Indeed. Your kids go round to their mates houses? So common. Mine have societies to attend.

I think your husband needs to see a GP.
does he realise what other things might go on in your sons life if you don’t welcome his friends at home?? You are right that hanging around on street corners is one hell of a risk. Which makes me think your DH needs help because when the toss is teenagers in the loo vs. drugs or knife crime.. I mean the rationale is so lacking 🫠

I understand how he feels. I also understand that this is 100% his responsibility to address at his end - not by pushing the issue onto others.

What does this mean?

Oh dear.

This is utter madness.
If his OCD is this bad its his problem, not the guests.
You can put signs up about giving it a checkround and leaving it how it was found I suppose.
Have you got two toilets? Maybe DH can make one off limits to guests.

Same here. My FIL was like this when DP was young. He denies it now but it's a huge reason DP has a poor relationship with his parents (FIL in particular) and why he's actually much closer to his best friend's mum and dad.

I really, really hope to be the house my kids and their friends want to be in. They’re 13 and 9 and have friends round regularly and I encourage it. We have lots of snacks and games and I stay out of the way which appears to be what they mostly want. My daughter is more of a 1:1 person (she’s autistic) but she’s welcome to have whoever around whenever she likes and my son has friends back after school most Fridays (half day Fridays here). They both have loads of activities and clubs and my daughter has homework but they find time for friends too as they should.

I think your husband is hugely unreasonable. A group of teenagers with nowhere safe to be is the worst possible outcome. I see the results in the parks and streets around here which is a huge reason we spend as much as we do on dance lessons and half our free time driving to football practice. I would guess a decent number of the boys at your house wouldn’t want to be at home so it’s lovely that you’re providing a safe place for them. You’re doing much more than you know for them.

Yes, you’d look completely mad. It’s just a toilet. Most of us use public toilets, toilets in cafes, pubs and restaurants, toilets at work, toilets at friends’ houses… and have never thought twice about anyone else using our loo!

I mean I do have discipline! I am naturally more permissive than authoritarian, but only because I want the kids to be able to be open with me and not feel they can’t talk to me. Don’t get me wrong they have moments but generally speaking are polite, good manners and respectful. I don’t feel i need to enroll them in clubs in nicer areas, I don’t have the money for it and I also don’t think they’re want to go! Each to their own though.

You were starting to think you were at fault for allowing your child to have friends over?

If that's true, you've been gaslight good and proper about what's normal OP