to let DS teenage friends visit despite DH objecting to the loo?

[powerforce]

DH and I at odds here. We’ve hit the teenage years and my approach is I’d rather our DS’s friends came over so we can get to know the new ones/ so they aren’t hanging around street corners aimlessly. Not a lovely area so this isn’t hyperbole.
DH is much less happy about this so trying to find a middle ground. His main issue is not the kids who have, so far, been respectful here. It’s the toilet situation - he has a bit of OCD around cleanliness and he is repulsed by them using our loo. I find it a bit icky but just do a wipe down each night (as I would do anyway) so don’t leave him to do it, but interested to hear other views on if I’m being unusually lax or if in fact it’s unreasonable of him to have a real issue with teenage boys using our loo🤔

Again is he diagnosed or are we all having a jolly laugh at people being very tight on cleaning by referring to a genuine condition

Does he not have a point though? It’s his home too. Setting aside the ‘no shitting’ thing (which is weird as there seems to be a few similar threads recently) then perhaps he doesn’t want the place overrun by (at your own admission) stinking trainers and dirty toilets.

As I said, we lived and still live in a deprived area, so we had to ferry dc to the affluent areas where there were cheap societies and clubs. Nothing where we live in terms of clubs.

Do you only have one toilet? If so, there is no choice. You cannot expect visitors not to use it.

If you have more than one, designate one specifically for your son's visitors.
Your husband will have to put up with it.

Exactly why I’d rather my DS was here with them and safe, not out on the streets or in some
of their homes. Many come from very challenging backgrounds and through no fault of their own have little supervision or rules or curfews.

Even more reason not to have a houseful of them.

He does…he does a lot of cleaning / lawn mowing so the superficial stuff is “perfect”. The day to day parenting is down to me, as I work from home to be able to take DD to appointments. He’s perfectly nice, but just much more of an authoritarian parent and as a result it’s me the kids come to with difficult questions or to have real chats if that makes sense. We both love them the same, we just have different parenting styles I guess (and are both pretty convinced we are respectively correct!)

Jesus Christ. Stay strong OP. Your poor son. I have three teenage boys and absolutely love it when they have friends over. They’re so polite. We always get them to bring all can/wrappers down (beer bottles now they’re older!). No loo issues, they’re respectful. I do occasionally have to clean up some pee on the floor but I’m pretty used to that with three boys so can’t get annoyed. I love being the house they stay at. It makes me happy to see loads of pairs of trainers at the bottom of the stairs. What a miserable husband you have. He will drive your son away.

I think his feelings are valid, yes. However, I don’t see it the same way he does. While our home isn’t big, it’s not over run with 5 teenage boys in it (my neighbour has 6 kids happily under her roof) so I do think there’s a huge element of control and wanting things to be kept neat and tidy at all times.

So none of the men in your house can clean up their own piss? That doesn’t bode well for future partners of your sons

Why? Because they have challenging home lives? They are nice lads who are respectful to my son, DD, husband and me. Why would I ban them because they are in the care of their sibling not their parent? It’s not their fault!

My DD and I sometime laugh at what we call the “trainer graveyard” when we walk in the door and guess who is here by how big or smelly the trainer is (in a nice way, not a mean girl way!)

Eh what?! When did I say that? Just over the years I’ve had to clean up a lot of pee as the boys were growing up. They’re fine now. Occasionally when we’ve had a house of 10 teenage boys there might be a small amount on the bathroom floor afterwards. I just clean it up, no big deal.

You seem very angry, pee issues at home? 🤣

Adults describing things as ‘icky’ is far grimmer

I love that! We do that too. Occasionally a small pink pair in amongst, if one of the girlfriends is there 🤣

yes! Sometimes a couple of girls in the year come to say hello and their crocs stand out in
a sea of black Nike trainers😂

You sound lovely OP. Teenage boys are fab. 💗 Maybe your husband needs a garden shed to retire to. Teenage years are precious. Don’t look back and regret that your son wasn’t made to feel comfortable in his own home.

I'm curious OP - have the replies on this thread helped you understand how unreasonable your husband's behavior is?

Genuinely, thank you all for your comments. I was having a real wobble about it my parenting worrying I was turning into morten’s mum in the scene in Amandaland where the kids are drunk upstairs and the mums are in the hot tub on drugs and Amanda is horrified they allow them so much freedom.
eta I don’t allow drugs and sadly don’t own a hot tub.

He would actually love a private garden shed we just don’t have room 😂thank you, that’s very kind and my arm has been steadied 💞

Even more reason to provide a safe space for them, I’d have said.
Op’s ds will be hanging out with them whatever the location.

And when you say that to him what’s his answer?

He either needs to see a GP or shut up about it.

Yes. I’m happily in the bath now thinking I’m glad DS knows he can bring his friends here to be welcomed in and treated with respect like they deserve.

this is exactly how I feel

Included in the definition of OCD (a term which is bandied about inappropriately) is the statement that it interferes with your and others lives.

Your husband isn’t “a bit OCD”, he has OCD and needs to be treated, for all your sakes,