Who gets the compensation?

[LottyLollipop]

Genuinely interested to see peoples opinions on this one....

I am the higher earner and unfortunately feel stuck in a bit of an expectation that if we go anywhere, I pay.
We recently went on holiday (myself, my OH and my 7 year old DD) and our direct flights out there were cancelled the night before and we were rebooked onto a new flight that involved a stop in the middle. Our connecting flight was substantially delayed but we got there eventually and ended up having an amazing time.

I paid for the flights, hire car, accommodation, all food and souvenirs etc. OH didn't even pay for a coffee.

I looked into getting compensation for the delay/cancellation and we were told that we were entitled to it but that I had to issue all the passengers bank details. We have since been paid some compensation, mine and our daughters came to me and my OH's went straight to his bank.

My thoughts were that as I paid for everything, that I should have the compensation which would go towards our next outing. My OH says that the compensation is for the annoyance factor of having to wait around and therefore he is entitled to his money and was therefore going to use it on sorting his car out.

What are your thoughts?

6 weeks. Oh OP, where is your self respect and self preservation?
Have you any family?
I would be apoplectic at my daughter tolerating being so used like this.

Re compensation if someone was travelling on train for business and train was delayed, who gets late train compensation, if travel paid by business?

Why are you paying for everything? You should be putting money into a kitty for everything through the holiday. How much can be decided between you (perhaps 75/25 as it’s two of you vs one of him, or work out % of income and do it that way).

I think you are going to get muddled replies now as many people only read the OP before replying, and due to the way you phrased it you made him sound like a boyfriend, certainly not like someone you had been with for 18 years and had a family with.

But maybe that's telling you something in itself?

Thoughts - you’re in a relationship with a loser.

Save your money for you and your child.

No you and your DD go and have all the experiences you can afford, if he wants to come he needs to pay. There’s absolutely no incentive for him to be financially responsible because he knows you’ll bail him out of anything he doesn’t have the money for.

Either all money is family money, or you each pay your own way and contribute to your DDs expenses. He’s literally having it all his own way, with you as a back up bank account.

I don't think the fact he earns less and didn't pay for a holiday is the issue here, lots of families have a higher earning and lower earning parent. DH pays for all our holidays.

However the fact he's snaffled up that compensation and can't see what's wrong with that behaviour is really rather gross and unappealing

How much are we talking @LottyLollipop ?

I actually cannot work out if it is worse being a "little amount" - It is just so petty, selfish and downright mean of him.

What does this man actually bring to your family.

He doesn’t even pay for a club for his child or a meal out on holiday.

Cocklodger.

I mean I’m the lower earner but I still put money in to the holiday. If he was a sahd then yeah sure you’d pay for it all but his working and getting entirely free holidays, free childcare and free child clubs and now his car fixed for free.

Yes this is absolutely fine, and that's what I would want also. In this situation, OP just needs to get across that all things like holidays, clubs for DD etc, come from the family pot that they both contribute to on the basis of income. And even expenditure on coffee, etc on holiday comes from that too.

Sit him down and say you've noticed there's an assumption now that you pay for everything. You're equally responsible for going along with it but it needs to change.

Come prepared with any costs you are prepared to solely fund (e.g. a particular hobby for your daughter) and the rest either has to be split equally or lifestyle scaled back.

Don't let him carry on using you.

He keeps the compensation, you keep your salary each month.

The differences in income would be fairly standard in a family, so the problem is actually not the money, but the fact that you don’t interact like a family or loving couple whatsoever. You are two people who have had a child together. Garnered from the way you write - I mean you forgot to even mention that she was his dd too, and people read it as if he’s a new ish boyfriend. That is the problem, not who gets the compensation

Why on earth are you recommending the OP shares her bank account with this complete loser? It would be empty within a week.

Its respect isn’t it.

Dh our earns me by a fortune but I appreciate it so even if my giving is more pennies to him I do it because I should. Even a take away every so often or something but to just be all take take take it’s grabby and gross.

I agree with this - they don’t sound like a long term couple

So you had to go back to work when your baby was six months old? I would be so resentful about that. What is he doing with his disposable income that means he can't afford to pay for his own car repears and has to borrow from you?

He really doesn't sound great to be honest.

You don’t HAVE to pay for him, especially as you say he has disposable income each month. Just take your daughter. I do trips just with mine all the time, we love them, it’s a great chance to do things we both enjoy and spend quality time together.

He sounds awful, really happy to take advantage of you.

I think you have to be careful suggesting things that are absolutely the way forward in a normal loving family. Because this very clearly isn’t that. The op possibly hasn’t realised that yet

Our incomes are roughly around 2/3 to 1/3 and therefore we pay that split accordingly into a joint account enough to cover mortgage and bills but everything else has just become expected that I pay including all of our daughters clubs and activities.

Suggest to him a re-organising of family finances.
All the child-related stuff should come out of the joint account, as should all family holidays, family days out, all household shopping for food, cleaning stuff, bits of furniture and stuff for the house, etc.
This means you both need to put much more into the joint account.
It is important that ALL child stuff and joint activities come from the joint account, for transparency and accountability.

There are two schools of thought:
a. you pay in to the joint proportionally, as you are currently doing
b. you both pay all income into the joint, then each get transferred the same amount into your personal accounts as personal spending money, for things like clothes, hobbies, socialising away from each other, fancy toiletries, tech, etc.

You negotiate whether cars and phones are joint or personal

With option a, as you are finding, you have a higher income so what you have left (even after your 2/3 paid to joint) is higher than what he has left, so he expects you to pay for the 'extras'. That problem won't go away even if you both increase what goes in and out of the joint.

Personally, I am in favour of option b, so that you both have the same spending power for non-joint things. But it takes a leap of faith and trust in the relationship to both put all your income into the joint.

I agree with this

Your updates do put a very different slant on it! I agree with PP, very telling how you wrote about him, you don't seem to view him as an equal partner or parent.

Anyway, given the set up as we now know it - I think he should pay you back whatever he owes you for the last lot of car repairs then, if anything is left, put the rest in the joint account or your daughter's savings account, if she has one.

The only slight caveat I might say is does he know when you pay for things that it's not out the joint account? If he knows you are paying for all the extras like your daughter's activities and everything on holiday and still thinks he should have the compensation then that's a poor show. If never looks at the joint account and he hasn't realised or he's trying to avoid knowing maybe tell him.

Of course you get all the compensation!

But more to the larger point HOW on earth do you live with such a mean bastard?????

DH and I also had delayed flights recently, due to EU laws the compensation was about 200 GBP more than it had cost DH for the flights. The money was sent to his account and I was entirely happy with that. If it had come to me I'd have put it in the joint account. For us it's all family money, but then neither of us are try to freeload from the other!

Honestly OP, please consider your situation. Your DH sounds like he is grabbing money off you, if you pay the bulk of talking him and your DC away then I'd expect him to buy food, take you out for a meal etc. In our recent holiday DH paid (lovely of him) so I booked us a couples massage and I paid for drinks etc along the way. Please don't be taken for granted in a relationship.

I'm curious what your relationship is like more generally? I would also resent being taken for a mug if I felt there weren't efforts on his part to compensate for the imbalance on the financial side. His approach to the compensation sounds like there isn't recognition of your contribution. Does he do more of the house work/parenting duties etc? If there is any sense of entitlement to being paid for, I'd find that deeply unattractive. I was recommended this book: Alex Holder, The Power of Talking about Money - on MN and I found it helpful. Have a proper chat before the resentment kills the good bits of your relationship.