Who gets the compensation?

[LottyLollipop]

Genuinely interested to see peoples opinions on this one....

I am the higher earner and unfortunately feel stuck in a bit of an expectation that if we go anywhere, I pay.
We recently went on holiday (myself, my OH and my 7 year old DD) and our direct flights out there were cancelled the night before and we were rebooked onto a new flight that involved a stop in the middle. Our connecting flight was substantially delayed but we got there eventually and ended up having an amazing time.

I paid for the flights, hire car, accommodation, all food and souvenirs etc. OH didn't even pay for a coffee.

I looked into getting compensation for the delay/cancellation and we were told that we were entitled to it but that I had to issue all the passengers bank details. We have since been paid some compensation, mine and our daughters came to me and my OH's went straight to his bank.

My thoughts were that as I paid for everything, that I should have the compensation which would go towards our next outing. My OH says that the compensation is for the annoyance factor of having to wait around and therefore he is entitled to his money and was therefore going to use it on sorting his car out.

What are your thoughts?

It is unbelievable that he didn't even pay for a coffee. He has £800 at the end of each month and keeps it all to himself? Where is his self respect? And where is your self respect allowing him to sponge off you all the time?

Yes definitely have some mummy and daughter holidays/experiences and leave the entitled tight arsed freeloader at home.

And going forward make him contribute more to the household expenses. At the moment he is taking the piss.

I was on your side till I read your further comments.

It's a red flag how you initallyefer to the child as your daughter when your both her parents.

If this was a typical relationship where the mean earned 2/3 and the woman in the relationship earned 1/3 people would be asking why finances aren't shared.

My husband earns 70% more then me, and he pays for everything. He never keeps tabs.

Maybe he really needed the money for his car.

I think you need to sit down and look at your joint expenses including holidays, daughters clubs etc and recalibrate who is paying for what. Whichever way it swings at least it will feel fair. (He should've given you that money imo)

I'd stipulate he can hold onto it. However, you will now expect him to pay for his share of the next holiday.

Red flag? Oh behave. I refer to my children as "my children" all the time, that doesn't mean they aren't "our children". The OP was speaking as herself, not with DP included in the MN thread, so why would she say "our child"? There was nothing red flag about saying "my daughter".

@LottyLollipop if I were you, if you continue in this relationship, I'd ensure ALL expenses, including holidays and child related things are split, same as the bills. He gets away with nothing from now on.

Some people don’t have ‘pots’ because they value their financial independence. Doesn’t make them any less of a family. Some people don’t have pots because one party doesn’t contribute to the fullest extent or is a poor money manager. As a strong, independent, earning wife, mother and family member, I prefer to manage my finances accordingly and am fed up reading on here that it demonstrates a lack of partnership.

Thank you x

Thank you! It’s refreshing to hear after reading so many people referring to me as financially abusive!

From what you’ve written you don’t sound very together for a couple that have been together 18 years and have a daughter together.

When my husband and I got married we opened a joint account and all our wages went in there, and all our outgoings come out of it. We have had times when each of us has earned a lot more than the other but it doesn’t make a difference because its all our money. We did intend to then transfer the same amount to each of our own accounts for fun money but never got round to it. We discuss any big purchases and pull each other up if we’re spending too much on things that are trivial.

I’m not suggesting you completely mix your finances if you are not married/ not sure about the future of your relationship but I would see it as a symptom of what is going on in the relationship itself. Clearly you need to have some deep and meaningful discussions with your OH.

Good luck.

She is her daughter.
He doesn't contribute towards her.
I really hope the OP is waking up to that.

@LottyLollipop If I were you I would go back through the last year and get a good picture of what you have paid in addition to the money that goes into the joint bank account. Check those figures and then approach him.

I say this because I have done some totting up in my head and if he has £9600py disposable income (£800 PM) , and you earn more than him, lets say you have an annual disposable income of £15000 a year. You only have to pay for a couple of holidays a year totalling circa £6000 combined, before you even start looking at your daughters activities you pay for to be on the same level of disposable income (if not less) as him yet you are bailing him out with car bills etc. I know this is a bit simplistic but you get the idea and I think it will hold far more sway in a discussion on the subject. Maybe not 50/50 but possibly 60/40 spilt for monies in the joint bank account or add in a contingency to the joint bank account for daughters activities and the holidays.

I would start booking the holidays just for you and your child. He pays his own way

when he says he can’t afford it tell him to get another job

So he has over £9600 a year disposable income after bills etc... yet you pay for all your DDs expenses, holidays, afterschool etc.

How much is left in your bank account at the end of the month (You don't have to say here but I'm just saying think about it to yourself) but if you are close to the knuckle on this... something is NOT right. also.. do you have credit cards which you cannot pay off in full at the end of each month.

If so, then you are OVER subsidising him and getting into debt doing it and he needs to cough up. How much interest/bank charges have you had to pay in that case? (again you don't need to tell us the figures) If he was contributing more fairly, then you wouldn't have to pay so much in interest. You can't borrow to subsidise him? (Not saying that you are borrowing of course... just that its a hidden cost in this equation)

Let me guess he has some hobby that he MUST pay towards... Do you also have similar hobbies.

He's entitled - to be effectively saying "I earn less so I get to keep everything and paying for things is up to her. "

Ur mistake was giving ur husbands bank details, you should’ve given one account and said as you’re a family, all payment is to come into one joint account, they won’t know if it’s a sole or joint account. Second option would’ve been to give a second alternate account of yours, doesn’t matter that the name won’t match up, payment will still get set and received

I don’t understand how ur dh doesn’t feel embarrassed freeloading off you, where’s his manhood!

It's an abuse of your generosity AB's kindness. He is your partner not your child. I can imagine this must have hurt.,

@Hadalifeonce wins the internet for today 🏆

There is a deeper seated problem here. Why are you letting him treat you like a doormat?

Tell him yes it is his compensation but now he has money he didn't have before the holiday he can chip in towards the cost of things you've spent your money on. Bill him for his share of spends to the value of the compensation.

Your other half is a bum

We’re still waiting for compensation from a cancelled flight in December. I’d love to know how you got compensation so quickly. We keep being asked to provide more evidence 🙄

It's a red flag on the relationship that your financial situation between you is like this at all.

However, when I am on a business trip with my employers paying my train fare, if my journey is delayed and I get compensation, of course I keep it because it was my time and energy that got wasted on a frustrating journey. So on that principle, OH is right - A BIT because it also depends on the magnitude of the delay/inconvenience and the amount of compensation. If the compensation divided by the amount of delay works out as less than £10 per hour I would let it slide. If he's received hundreds of pounds for a relatively modest delay then that's disproportionate and you should have some of it. A 5 hour delay isn't fundamentally ten times more distressing when it's a £500 flight as it is for a £50 train journey.

If you had to pay out additional expenses due to the delay (extra drinks/food, extra parking fees) that aren't being compensated separately then he owes you his share of those costs out of whatever share of the compensation is reasonably apportioned to him.

But the bigger issue is to stop funding things that are above and beyond what you are actually happy to fund. Breeding resentment will destroy any positive feelings between you. Better to stick to more modest holidays that he can afford to pay his way on.

Yes I imagine in OPs scenario that if they had a joint account for everything all that would happen is her selfish H would spend even more on himself than the £800 he currently spends, all the bills for everything would come out of the joint account and OP would be left with almost no personal spending money at all. It isn't going to help their situation if he starts to see all the OPs money as equally his because it's in the joint account, not when he already has this massive sense of entitlement over her paying for everything.

OP when you work things out ensure you know his current salary, not the salary he had when you met. I totally wouldn't put it past him to have had a raise during this time and not told you, since he seems to think his money is solely his own business and nothing to do with you.

Whilst I understand compensation is for the inconvenience I also think it’s due back to you OP because had you purchased your flights going via somewhere in the first place they would have been cheaper than direct flights. As it stands you paid more money for direct flights which you didn’t get so I view the compensation as a partial refund on those flights and therefore it should have gone back to you imo

The meanness of not even buying so much as a coffee, then shamelessly bagging the compensation for a holiday he paid £0 towards-I couldn’t respect or love someone so horribly and wilfully tight.