Who gets the compensation?

[LottyLollipop]

Genuinely interested to see peoples opinions on this one....

I am the higher earner and unfortunately feel stuck in a bit of an expectation that if we go anywhere, I pay.
We recently went on holiday (myself, my OH and my 7 year old DD) and our direct flights out there were cancelled the night before and we were rebooked onto a new flight that involved a stop in the middle. Our connecting flight was substantially delayed but we got there eventually and ended up having an amazing time.

I paid for the flights, hire car, accommodation, all food and souvenirs etc. OH didn't even pay for a coffee.

I looked into getting compensation for the delay/cancellation and we were told that we were entitled to it but that I had to issue all the passengers bank details. We have since been paid some compensation, mine and our daughters came to me and my OH's went straight to his bank.

My thoughts were that as I paid for everything, that I should have the compensation which would go towards our next outing. My OH says that the compensation is for the annoyance factor of having to wait around and therefore he is entitled to his money and was therefore going to use it on sorting his car out.

What are your thoughts?

With work we can keep the compensation but not claim the extra travel time. Or claim the time but pay them the compensation. So this indicates it’s payment for the inconvenience and extra time.

He is being utterly unreasonable. He would not have been in a position to receive compensation if you had not paid for the holiday anyway.

However, I would let him keep it on this occasion, given that he had to deal with the terrible trauma of having to hang around for a bit longer than expected on a holiday that was paid for entirely by you. He should absolutely have compensation for that. At the same time, I would be providing reassurances that you wouldn't dream of putting him at risk of any further suffering of this nature, and in future, you will be taking your dd on holiday without him.

Hi OP , I have had this exact same scenario in that I'm the higher earner. We had compensation for a holiday ours was ultimately cancelled unfortunately but lot of disruption and unpleasantness. I paid for the holiday with a bonus. All compensation went back into the pot of family money and paid for the next holiday. I cannot believe that he's suggesting it's reasonable for him to keep that money.

18 years into a relationship and have a child and you are going on about what you do and don't pay for, you're a family, you both just earn what you earn and it goes into the pot, all this nonsense about you getting the compensation 🙄. You're acting like you've gone on holiday with someone you are casually dating and have paid for the holiday, you had a family holiday.

I earn marginally more than my husband, it has been a lot more in the past, never have I acted like this. We both earn whatever we earn and whatever we have jointly is our income. I couldn't imagine acting like this married with a family. I imagine If this was a man earning more than the woman you'd be getting very different replies, it's less socially acceptable for the man to earn less.

You might be better both getting your wages paid into a joint account, with the same amount coming out to both of your for “fun money”, all of dds costs, family holidays, car costs etc come from the joint account.

Could not agree more with this. If he can pay proportionally for bills then he can for holidays, child stuff and everything else too.

I think it is time for a shake up, he has it too good right now.

Hi @LottyLollipop .

This sounds like a very unfair and unequal situation that has arisen, and one which your OH is obviously very comfortable with.

Personally, I could never let someone pay for absolutely everything on holiday. Not even to pay for ice creams or drinks even once is appalling!

I would suggest a new system going forward - you each pay a proportion of your income into a holiday fund, like you do for the mortgage and bills. And use that to pay for future trips.

He needs to be setting money aside himself for things like car repairs.
Has he got any prospects of improving his job and pay?
Could he upskill himself or retrain for a better paying position?
Or has he got no motivation to do so because he's happy to just stay in his lower paid lane and let you fund everything else.

You are already feeling resentment, and this will probably grow if nothing changes...

Edited to add - obviously you should get the compensation! But he could live to massively regret keeping it if it leads to sharing the cost of future holidays as I have suggested...

OP - do you think you'd still be together if you weren't the high earner?

If the answer is 'no' then don't feel obliged to stay with him because he's 'not a horrible person' (which is about as low as the bar can be before you get into actual abuse).

What a cocklodger, get rid, as a pp said let him get his car fixed then use it to drive off into the sunset.

This sums it up for me perfectly!

He's selfish and takes you for granted.

I think in broad terms the compensation IS intended to compensate the travellers, not the person who paid for the tickets.

HOWEVER, it sounds like you were probably the one putting your hand in your pocket to pay for coffees, snacks etc and I imagine were also the one actually entertaining your DC, and so you are still the one that needs compensating.

I am not sure this is the particular battle I would choose if I was you @LottyLollipop. However, in the coming days I would definitely be suggesting that you reconsider some of the arrangements as to who pays for what in future, including but not limited to holidays. DH has been having an easy ride for too long and needs to put on some big boy trousers.

That's grabby and greedy of him
Especially as you are paying for everything extra ,no wonder you think of her as your daughter not his ,as you pay for everything .
I think he's taking advantage of you ,not just about the compensation either

Surely it's family money and therefore it doesn't natter which account it goes to?

I'm not sure why the comments are so stern towards you here. I have been similar to you and paying for more because I have been the one with the money, but haven't viewed it as mine or his, just ours. I think him chipping in for small things makes a massive difference though. Would you be comfortable aksing him for the money?

I voted YANBU but also think the airline are unreasonable for saying the payment goes to each passenger’s bank account. Do you have a joint account? Could you have just asked for the money to go into that for all 3 of you?

As others have said, isn’t it just family money as it was a family holiday? When we’ve had compensation for delayed travel we’ve then used it either for the next holiday or a nice treat / dinner / outing for all of us (3 of us).

There are obviously bigger issues about how you split finances. I never understand how husbands and wives can owe each other money for things like bills etc but that’s a whole can of worms on Mumsnet!

The compensation is for the inconvenience. It's not a refund.
So in that respect he is right.
But he's absolutely taking the piss. He should have given you the money because you paid for the entire holiday even down to the coffee and if not for that, to pay off the money he owes you for his car repairs which he hasn't paid back.

I think the finances need to be looked at. If he is paying proportionally for bills and food etc, then he can pay proportionally for other things too.
Or all earnings are paid into a joint account and it's allocated to pots such as bills, holidays, food, joint savings, car repairs, whatever, and then both of you have an equal amount of personal spending money.

He sounds like my ex. He'd have done something like that. Months after we split he contacted me asking if the house management had sent the yearly accounts where we sometimes got a refund if we'd used less water or heating than we'd paid for in the monthly payments. He wanted his half of the refund back. I just ignored him. He'd been gone six months and he left in February when he'd had the benefit of the heating all winter and most of the refund that year would have been in the second half of the year when I was living alone.
There are some right piss-takers around.

Are you a partner or cashpoint? His is his, but yours is his too? Stop the funding, yes contribute proportionately, but all!!

“Dear Mr Lollypop,

The compensation from X was paid into your account. Grateful if you could transfer into account Y, which can be used as part of your contribution to future holidays. “

Then have the conversation about future financial arrangements.

I think the compensation is his in a normal situation but this situation is not normal at all. You need to have a proper discussion about how you're managing your finances - seems like he's resentful of your success somehow? Would it make more sense to just combine all finances so he's not struggling while you have loads extra? Obviously not a great solution if you think you'll be parting ways at some point but it shouldn't be true that you have loads for holidays and such and he can't even afford to fix his (necessary?) car either.

My husband and I have a similar income split (except I'm the lower earner) but everything is in one place and we both have equal say / responsibility over it. I would say I usually spend more myself as I sort out everything for the kids and book holidays and tickets and such (he has plenty of other things he does) but there's no conversation about what thing is what money or anything like that as it's all the same thing. The holiday and the compensation would be in our only account to begin with so we wouldn't need a conversation.

My ex worked abroad for weeks at a time and genuinely told me he didn't think he should have to pay for his mobile phone contract while he was out of the country.... 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ It is one of the (many) reasons he is an ex!

Even if you did get all of the compensation, you’d probably have to give some to him to sort the car out anyway.

You’ve hitched your wagon to a man who can’t even pay for his own car maintenance and has to approach you, cap in hand.

Surely it’s family money anyway?? The compensation is for the inconvenience otherwise they wouldn’t have asked for his bank details.

Im sure if the roles were reversed and you as the lower earner, were telling us that your maw partner wanted the money back everyone would be up on arms.

The issue is that you’re annoyed, not the moral/legal issue of who gets the refund. Sounds like you need to discuss how you split finances. In this situation my husband would have paid for flights/holiday but I doubt I’d offer to transfer my compensation, nor would he expect me to, but we are both happy with the way we split finances. He got a £500 voucher for an issue on a flight (no entertainment) paid for by work. No way would he be offering it to work! But I definitely expect him to use the voucher for a family flight!