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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who gets the compensation?

315 replies

LottyLollipop · 18/05/2026 11:25

Genuinely interested to see peoples opinions on this one....

I am the higher earner and unfortunately feel stuck in a bit of an expectation that if we go anywhere, I pay.
We recently went on holiday (myself, my OH and my 7 year old DD) and our direct flights out there were cancelled the night before and we were rebooked onto a new flight that involved a stop in the middle. Our connecting flight was substantially delayed but we got there eventually and ended up having an amazing time.

I paid for the flights, hire car, accommodation, all food and souvenirs etc. OH didn't even pay for a coffee.

I looked into getting compensation for the delay/cancellation and we were told that we were entitled to it but that I had to issue all the passengers bank details. We have since been paid some compensation, mine and our daughters came to me and my OH's went straight to his bank.

My thoughts were that as I paid for everything, that I should have the compensation which would go towards our next outing. My OH says that the compensation is for the annoyance factor of having to wait around and therefore he is entitled to his money and was therefore going to use it on sorting his car out.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
FallingIsLearning · 18/05/2026 12:38

So he’s a long term partner and father of your child.

In that situation, I’d probably count the money as family money.

I would agree that I’d expect it to go back into the family pot if there were no plans for it, or ‘frittery’ plans.

But the main question to me is - how would his car repairs normally be paid? If that’s just from family money, it seems all much the same and I wouldn’t be too bothered about it.

My husband obviously was the main earner when I was on mat leave, and I would have been unhappy had I not had free access to family money just because I wasn’t earning.

Currently he is not able to work, so I am the main earner. I’d be a bit irritated if he did extravagant things that required the rest of the family to go without (like go off on expensive trips without us or buy a super-dooper car), but I don’t begrudge him the usual expenses of life, including normal treats.

askmenow · 18/05/2026 12:38

LottyLollipop · 18/05/2026 12:18

Thank you for all of your replies, I really appreciate them and it’s quite eye opening for me to read so many that think I’m a doormat…I feel like one so thank you for the clarification!

To answer some questions, we’ve been together for 18 years and should have said it’s our DD rather than mine.
Our incomes are roughly around 2/3 to 1/3 and therefore we pay that split accordingly into a joint account enough to cover mortgage and bills but everything else has just become expected that I pay including all of our daughters clubs and activities and I’m not exactly sure how it’s happened down the line. I know my career has progressed whilst he has been stuck in jobs with lots of promises that didn’t come to fruition.

I find it really unattractive but he’s not a horrible person and find myself a bit stuck as I don’t want to uproot our DD. On the other hand I’m finding myself resenting him and can’t see how I can carry on long term.

My dad had cancer and my mum died suddenly a few months ago and I think somewhere in my mind, I want to provide as many experiences for our daughter as I can and in order to do that, I have to pay for him too?!
Maybe I should use my compensation for some therapy instead!

Perhaps reframe some holiday trips as "Girls Together" trips. Take your DD away separately for bonding experiences.
It will set her up well for the future showing females can have independent lives outside their homes.
Men and boys have been doing this for centuries, going on boys nights out, fishing trips or whatever.
We don't have to be attached at the hip to our partners.

Sartre · 18/05/2026 12:38

AppropriateAdult · 18/05/2026 12:35

You’ve been together 18 years and have a daughter together, yet you’re not behaving as a family. Separate finances don’t make sense once you have a child. Presuming he pulls his weight by working (even if he earns less than you) and doing an equal share around the house, money should go into one pot and all family expenses come from that. It doesn’t make sense to arrange things the way you have them.

Is he not contributing in other ways, OP? You sound quite resentful of him, which I can understand.

It works better for some couples. I like my independence and I don’t necessarily feel the need to have DH privy to every single purchase I make. We have a shared account for bills and things like holidays, DC clothing etc but still maintain our own for whatever we need to buy separately to that.

Kimmerer · 18/05/2026 12:39

Yuk. Why are you with this man??

Decacaffeinatednow · 18/05/2026 12:40

@LottyLollipop

Would it not be better for you and your daughter if you just left. What if anything does he bring to your life?

CharlieEffie · 18/05/2026 12:41

He is right in the fact that it is for annoyance etc. However, any decent man would acknowledge that you had paid for EVERYTHING and would hand it straight over, than again a decent man wouldnt let you pay for everything

Out of intetest what does he bring to the table?

I wouldn't be staying with him, but if you do, than add up all the costs each month/term of clubs etc that you pay for for your daughter and tell him he owes you half. If you want to do things with your daughter pay for you and her, he pays for himself. Just because you earn more doesnt mean he gets a free ride

karinahh · 18/05/2026 12:42

That some loser you are with. Talk about being used. Could it be clearer. If you aren't married, that really is a blessing. Start thinking about getting rid of this free loader. How you cannot have the total Ick by such a blatantly grabby move is beyond me. Is this really the role model for your daughter?
Get some therapy and invest in some self respect. How could you let this go? How could you not challenge it. No doubt he'll propose if you end things. He won't want to lose his silly workhorse.

GenialHarrietGrouty · 18/05/2026 12:43

I think your partner is right. This is not a repayment for money you have spent out, it is compensation for the inconvenience etc that each member of your party suffered. For instance, if the delays meant that you had nowhere to sleep, then all of you lost sleep, not just you, each of you felt worse as a result, and each of you is entitled to their own compensation for that. It would be ridiculous for you to receive compensation for your partner's headache or whatever.

Obviously if the delays involved actual expense, e.g. buying extra meals or paying for a hotel, then the person who paid should be reimbursed, but I would expect you to have made that clear when you submitted your expenses claim.

If your partner should contribute more to the cost of the holiday, that's a separate issue which has fuck all to do with the compensation claim.

angelos02 · 18/05/2026 12:44

That is outrageous OP. Of course the compensation should go to you. He may have been inconvenienced but he wouldn't have had a holiday at all if you hadn't paid for everything. I can't believe 7% of people voted YABU. I bet they're CF's too.

roses2 · 18/05/2026 12:44

If it was a work flight and my work paid, I would have kept the compensation for myself since I would be the one inconvenienced.

But as you say OH is a freeloader, I think you should have kept the money and he shouldn't have kept it.

Notasbigasithink · 18/05/2026 12:48

LottyLollipop · 18/05/2026 11:25

Genuinely interested to see peoples opinions on this one....

I am the higher earner and unfortunately feel stuck in a bit of an expectation that if we go anywhere, I pay.
We recently went on holiday (myself, my OH and my 7 year old DD) and our direct flights out there were cancelled the night before and we were rebooked onto a new flight that involved a stop in the middle. Our connecting flight was substantially delayed but we got there eventually and ended up having an amazing time.

I paid for the flights, hire car, accommodation, all food and souvenirs etc. OH didn't even pay for a coffee.

I looked into getting compensation for the delay/cancellation and we were told that we were entitled to it but that I had to issue all the passengers bank details. We have since been paid some compensation, mine and our daughters came to me and my OH's went straight to his bank.

My thoughts were that as I paid for everything, that I should have the compensation which would go towards our next outing. My OH says that the compensation is for the annoyance factor of having to wait around and therefore he is entitled to his money and was therefore going to use it on sorting his car out.

What are your thoughts?

Really? I mean fucking really?!

ChocolateCinderToffee · 18/05/2026 12:52

Good grief. The compensation is not the issue, the issue is the fact that he sees you as a cash cow. Do not pay for him to go on holiday with you again, and if he questions it, suggest he use his share of the compensation to pay for his share of the holiday.

Original poster
LottyLollipop · 18/05/2026 12:57

FallingIsLearning · 18/05/2026 12:38

So he’s a long term partner and father of your child.

In that situation, I’d probably count the money as family money.

I would agree that I’d expect it to go back into the family pot if there were no plans for it, or ‘frittery’ plans.

But the main question to me is - how would his car repairs normally be paid? If that’s just from family money, it seems all much the same and I wouldn’t be too bothered about it.

My husband obviously was the main earner when I was on mat leave, and I would have been unhappy had I not had free access to family money just because I wasn’t earning.

Currently he is not able to work, so I am the main earner. I’d be a bit irritated if he did extravagant things that required the rest of the family to go without (like go off on expensive trips without us or buy a super-dooper car), but I don’t begrudge him the usual expenses of life, including normal treats.

Generally, I would expect his car repairs to be paid for by him as he is left with disposable income each month that in my eyes he should save part of for the inevitable. That said, I did pay for them last time as he didn't have enough to cover it and he is still paying me back for those.

The completely agree with what you did with your situations both now and when you were on mat leave.
That's possibly another cause of my resentment in that I only had the statutory 6 weeks mat leave due to concerns about finances so its never been the case that he's been the main earner.

OP posts:
Tablesandchairs23 · 18/05/2026 12:57

Get rid of him. Hes a freeloader.

TheDenimPoet · 18/05/2026 12:58

Ok, so, he is right. The compensation IS for the inconvenience, so yes, it should go to him.

However.

If I hadn't had the money to contribute on holiday, my immediate thought would be "Oh, this is great, now I can give my wife some money back for all the money she spent on the holiday." And then I would send EVERY SINGLE PENNY straight to you.

Legally he is right.

Morally, he is so, so wrong.

Dollymylove · 18/05/2026 12:58

He's tighter than two coats of paint.
Ultimatum time. Tell him your splitting every purchase 50-50 or he can sling his hook

Glowingup · 18/05/2026 13:02

What in the name of cocklodging? Wow how do successful women find guys like this?

Agapornis · 18/05/2026 13:04

You only got six weeks basic SMP?! I think you need a new (or no) partner as well as a new job. Presume you won't have another child but if so get one with enhanced SMP. Bet they pay the bare minimum pension contributions too.

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/05/2026 13:04

If you already split bills etc 2:1 then you need to have a conversation that DD activities are part of that split.

I'd be unimpressed that he had paid zero towards the holiday though, that surely should also have been part of the family bills split unless you decided it was going to be a massively expensive trip as your treat.

I agree with others that he should have given you his compensation as payment of his bit of the holiday.

MatchaTea1 · 18/05/2026 13:05

I voted YABU as you re being very unreasonable to keep yourself and this child in this situation, how can you not have the ick with this free-loader?

redboxerclub · 18/05/2026 13:06

he is a prat and is taking yo for a ride.

TonTonMacoute · 18/05/2026 13:07

He is happy to sit back and let you carry the heavy load, you are not happy but are enabling him to do this.

It sounds like you do need a conversation about this or else it will just fester. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee and realise what he is in danger of losing if he doesn't start pulling his weight.

I would start by asking him when he is going to pay you back for this share of the holiday, just to put things in perspective.

sittingonabeach · 18/05/2026 13:07

People saying he is a freeloader would you say this if this was mum on lower earnings? If he doesn’t have the money for car repairs (which I would put under the heading of household bills so joint expense) and you might end up financing them then I can see why he would think great he now has money to pay them. But the way you do finances I would have checked first if you were happy with that.

But seeing car repairs as separate expenses when you have been together so long and are a family unit seems so strange to me.

However, going forward would it be an idea to have a joint savings pot for things like holidays, car repairs etc which again you each put a share in, and then anything left over is for personal spends. And any money coming out of the savings pot has to be agreed between the two of you

YooBlue · 18/05/2026 13:07

The compensation refunds you part of the cost of something you paid for and didn't get what you should have got. Yes, he shared the inconvenience but he hadn't paid for the flight anyway = hadn't paid any money towards not being inconvenienced!

You bought the tickets, you get the compensation - and given that you paid for everything else your 'OH' is outrageous in even thinking that he might get it. That he actually profits form your expenditure!!

Sorry - someone so graceless and shameless is NOT a true partner,

It will get worse,

Put your foot down, have a tough talk and mean it - or dump him.

FFS, reading this crap makes me furious.

godmum56 · 18/05/2026 13:07

LottyLollipop · 18/05/2026 11:25

Genuinely interested to see peoples opinions on this one....

I am the higher earner and unfortunately feel stuck in a bit of an expectation that if we go anywhere, I pay.
We recently went on holiday (myself, my OH and my 7 year old DD) and our direct flights out there were cancelled the night before and we were rebooked onto a new flight that involved a stop in the middle. Our connecting flight was substantially delayed but we got there eventually and ended up having an amazing time.

I paid for the flights, hire car, accommodation, all food and souvenirs etc. OH didn't even pay for a coffee.

I looked into getting compensation for the delay/cancellation and we were told that we were entitled to it but that I had to issue all the passengers bank details. We have since been paid some compensation, mine and our daughters came to me and my OH's went straight to his bank.

My thoughts were that as I paid for everything, that I should have the compensation which would go towards our next outing. My OH says that the compensation is for the annoyance factor of having to wait around and therefore he is entitled to his money and was therefore going to use it on sorting his car out.

What are your thoughts?

my thought is that you don't sound like a loving couple?