Who gets the compensation?

[LottyLollipop]

Genuinely interested to see peoples opinions on this one....

I am the higher earner and unfortunately feel stuck in a bit of an expectation that if we go anywhere, I pay.
We recently went on holiday (myself, my OH and my 7 year old DD) and our direct flights out there were cancelled the night before and we were rebooked onto a new flight that involved a stop in the middle. Our connecting flight was substantially delayed but we got there eventually and ended up having an amazing time.

I paid for the flights, hire car, accommodation, all food and souvenirs etc. OH didn't even pay for a coffee.

I looked into getting compensation for the delay/cancellation and we were told that we were entitled to it but that I had to issue all the passengers bank details. We have since been paid some compensation, mine and our daughters came to me and my OH's went straight to his bank.

My thoughts were that as I paid for everything, that I should have the compensation which would go towards our next outing. My OH says that the compensation is for the annoyance factor of having to wait around and therefore he is entitled to his money and was therefore going to use it on sorting his car out.

What are your thoughts?

Use this moment to reset your financial arrangement.

Why isn’t he contributing 1/3 to everything else?

You need a conversation…this arrangement favours him at the expense of you and your shared daughter.

This is another thread about money disputes in a relationship. This is all so easily avoidable.
Agree with your OH what percentage of all outgoings are your responsibility, and what percentage he will cover. In households where you both earn equal amounts, it should be 50/50, but it is a more complicated discussion where one out-earns the other. But once you have that agreement, add up everything you both spend on "family spending" every month, and calculate how much each should pay, and the one who has overpaid pays the one that has underpaid so that result is you have both paid in line with the agreed split.
Simple.
Save your arguments for something that is more difficult to resolve than this.

Also, you applied for the compensation
Yikes
Literally nothing to redeem him!
Is he not even slightly ashamed?

If you pooled your money as a couple nobody would be accusing the lower earning partner of sponging for not covering half the cost of joint expenditure. Surely most committed long term couples with children live the lifestyle of their household income rather than their individual salaries.

As regards the compensation he is in theory correct.

However, as regards his general attitude to letting you pay for everything- he's an outrageous CF.

You would not be unreasonable to bin him. Or to tell him that he's not invited on the next holiday.

You should absolutely get all the compensation! I can’t believe the airline needed your DH’s bank details?!

I pay for all holidays in this house because DH pays the mortgage and household bills.

A few years ago our flight home was delayed 8 hours. I received €1600 compensation for the 4 of us from Easyjet and I kept the lot. DH didn’t question it at all. Rightly so.

Wow he’s really living his best life. What a greedy man, shows his true colors when the money came in. Didn’t even bat an eye to think only of himself . Sorry op you deserve far more than him

How on earth are you attracted to a man who can’t contribute financially? Ick ick ick

This would give me the ick… that and not paying for a single coffee, the entitlement is gross

Gently - what on earth are you doing with this man?
How have you not got the ick yet from being a cash cow to him?
My Fanny would have slammed shut long ago.
Every time you have sex with him it’s costing you £££. Is he really worth it?
I just don’t think any man who behaves like this deserves a decent woman.

I would be asking him when I would be receiving the compensation for having to pay for a morally bankrupt cocklodger for so long.
He wouldn’t be getting another bean -not a fucking bean -out of me.
Ducks in a row my love, ducks in a row.

You’re a family, all money is family money.

If you were a male posting who was the higher earner people would be calling you financially controlling by not combining finances.

Wow so he ended up getting paid to go on holiday! He had an entire holiday AND a payout.

As a rule of thumb the general consensus the high earner pays more and there both left with equal spends so by default the higher earner does pay for all the extras

shouldn’t be any different just because genders reversed

^ This.

Wow. Just wow. So essentially, he thinks he should be paid for the inconvenience he experienced while going on a holiday with his own family, that he paid nothing toward? And you're the one who's asking if you're unreasonable?

There’s extras then there never even covering a cup of coffee or your own child’s dance club for a term.

As I said in the lower earner. Even if I only pay the deposit on a trip I’m still contributing, or I’ll order in a take away or pay for a meal out unlike ops partner who keeps his wallet closed and hands in his pockets.

Tell him he can keep it but in future he will have to pay for his own flights, half of hotel, meals out etc. he's using you as a meal ticket.

Thank you for all your replies so far and some really good advice in there which I'll definitely look at in more detail when I'm not at work!

I genuinely haven't meant to come across as not being a loving relationship but reading some of the comments, it is pretty clear that I see our finances as separate, which after 18 years together I probably shouldn't and that's on me.
Whilst I generally do more in terms of school pick ups and clubs due to work flexibility, on the whole things are pretty balanced in terms of housework etc.

I think I have started to feel a bit of resentment that there is a lack of gratitude and a definite expectation that I will pay for things and the compensation just tipped me over the edge! Whilst I fully appreciate that compensation is for the inconvenience, I just (wrongly) assumed the money would go towards a next family event especially given the circumstances. It has definitely given me the ick but wanted to know if I was wrong to feel that way!

Thank you again everyone - even the harsh comments have given me good food for thought!

Hi op you have got yourself a proper gentleman not. I think he should have offered you even though he was inconvenienced he didn’t contribute a penny. I would resent him for that but as the higher earner I don’t think it’s your responsibility to pay for all the extras. Op he should be contributing more as it’s his dd and he’s benefiting from the holiday if he contributes more into your joint pot this is where all other expenses should come from not you personally. He sounds like he doesn’t really care you pay for things but he should have offered you the money then you could have decided to give it back. I think the compensation should go to who booked the flight then split it accordingly. Unless it is a few people who paid the booker.

I find it really unattractive but he’s not a horrible person and find myself a bit stuck as I don’t want to uproot our DD. On the other hand I’m finding myself resenting him and can’t see how I can carry on long term.

you’ve said it…

Coupled with everything else you’ve said I would suggest that you evaluate where you want to go with this. ‘Long term’ could be an eternity as far as you are concerned - seeing that life is finite.

Not wanting to uproot your daughter is not a strong enough counterpoint to your growing resentment.

I can see both sides, if we're talking about the fact that compensation is for annoyance. But it seems you're unhappy that he didn't even pay for a coffee, so maybe you and he need to talk about this more?
I'm also surprised that the airline wanted their bank details, if it was all paid out of your account. If you'd just been going with children, presumably they wouldn't have asked for their accounts, and in this scenario, you're still the only paying adult?

I do see your point. And voted yanbu as he sounds like an arse... but my dh would not expect the money back if they paid it to me directly.

This

I am similar in that out earn my partner by a significant amount. But he does pay his propionate amount to the house and bills and will buy or pay for some things. We had the same situation and the compensation all came to me as I paid for it as he thought thay was the right thing to do.

The problem isn't that he doesn't want you to have it - the problem is that he doesn't want the family to have it for the next holiday or outing.

He sounds like a dick tbh.