Who gets the compensation?

[LottyLollipop]

Genuinely interested to see peoples opinions on this one....

I am the higher earner and unfortunately feel stuck in a bit of an expectation that if we go anywhere, I pay.
We recently went on holiday (myself, my OH and my 7 year old DD) and our direct flights out there were cancelled the night before and we were rebooked onto a new flight that involved a stop in the middle. Our connecting flight was substantially delayed but we got there eventually and ended up having an amazing time.

I paid for the flights, hire car, accommodation, all food and souvenirs etc. OH didn't even pay for a coffee.

I looked into getting compensation for the delay/cancellation and we were told that we were entitled to it but that I had to issue all the passengers bank details. We have since been paid some compensation, mine and our daughters came to me and my OH's went straight to his bank.

My thoughts were that as I paid for everything, that I should have the compensation which would go towards our next outing. My OH says that the compensation is for the annoyance factor of having to wait around and therefore he is entitled to his money and was therefore going to use it on sorting his car out.

What are your thoughts?

What a champ. This is actually disturbing that he expects the compensation

This is one of those comment threads that would be wildly different if the genders were reversed.
If you have a whole life with someone and are kerping tabs on who paid for what you have bigger problems than holuday compensation.

Let him keep the money, it would be his last holiday on me that’s for sure.

To be honest, you have bigger problems.

Yeah, this bit makes no sense to me.

We had flight delay compensation 4 years ago and as I was the lead passenger, it all came to me.

Me and DH have separate finances. I only work part time but my money buys the kids and us things we need day to day and his money pays the bills, holidays and any extras we have. He says it’s all our money but as the old saying goes what’s mine is mine and what his is mine, it just happened that way. But on to your post if I was to get the compensation then I’d transfer it to my DH straightaway no questions asked.

Not having a go, but op posted because she is obviously pissed at the wider situation, and this has just brought it to a head. I know its rhetorical, but asking how she finds this attractive feels like kicking her whilst she is down.

God some of these men disgust me. So you take the financial hit of paying out more, you take the bodily hit of having a child, you take the emotional hit of going back to work quickly after giving birth.
Its just win win win for the men in these situations.

Im surprised you even fancy him still as I would be massively turned off by this

He’s a CF! The money should go to you to offset the expenses you paid.

His attitude is an ick!!

I just do not understand these types of family finance set ups. Married with a child together - why doesn’t all income go into one joint account and you spend from there (with separate accounts if desired for things like personal spends, joint savings, holidays etc)?

You need to look ahead to retirement too, OP. Is he at least saving for pension etc? I’d be really concerned about being lumbered with him in old age.

Lack of generosity (and that’s not just money, it’s time, care, moral support etc) is really unattractive. Doesn’t he feel any sort of drive to want to provide more?

I think the overall problem is that he has seen this money as a windfall and he thinks he’s entitled to do what he wants with it. No consideration for anyone but himself is a huge red flag. You need to give him a reality check if you want to stay in a relationship with him. If you don’t address this issue now, you will start to resent him and that’s no way to live either.

Not the point of the thread I know, but you probably think you’re being fair contributing to the bills in proportion to the earnings… this isn’t fair at all, unless you’re roommates. This leaves one partner (you) with more disposable income than the other. It’s no wonder you can afford holidays and he can’t afford the upkeep of his car. Work your numbers each month so that you each contribute an amount that leaves you both with the same disposable income. That’s the most fairest way to split earnings if you need to keep things separate. Do the maths and you’ll see it can be quite big gap depending on the earnings gap.

Compensation goes to the inconvenienced person, regardless of who paid for it.

I am confused by why you are not sharing everything? I am the high earner but when we do family things we always share the cost! Only when I choose do things that are not really needed (ie renovate a perfectly fine kitchen to match my own interior style) then I pay on my own.

Are you married to this leech?

Throw this one back op, he sounds like a twat

I think the compensation should go to you, but need to have a discussion about how to manage your family finances in a way that feels fairer to you both. I'm the higher earner in our household and I pay for holidays (and we each pay proportionately into our joint account for everyday stuff). It would never cross my mind to think "I have to pay for him too?!" because although it's my money - it's really family money. And I know from experience that my DH will also happily put his hand in his pocket for stuff if he needs to.

Combine your incomes and see how does he like it...if he does not want to do this, you will be just flat mates. Does he sleep with you and enjoy your company?

This leaves one partner (you) with more disposable income than the other. It’s no wonder you can afford holidays and he can’t afford the upkeep of his car.

There's no evidence that this is true. He contributes a third of the bills and mortgage. OP pays for everything else. Everything for the children, the holidays and every expense involved in a holiday right down to every coffee. She says:

Our incomes are roughly around 2/3 to 1/3 and therefore we pay that split accordingly into a joint account enough to cover mortgage and bills but everything else has just become expected that I pay including all of our daughters clubs and activities

It is possible that she has less disposable income for herself than he does.

And I don't agree that she is necessarily controlling. She is the one who pays for it all. Isn't he being controlling by paying only towards the bills and mortgage and then the rest he keeps for himself. Forcing her to spend on everything else as above, otherwise they have no holidays, the children don't get to do activities etc.

Nor do I agree that if the genders were reversed the responses would be that different. If the woman was a SAHM, or couldn't work because of disability then yes he should pay for everything and not complain. But if she was earning in the same proportions as the OP and her DH I would expect her to contribute more than the bare minimum, and she should pay something towards the DCs, and if the DH was fed up of her not doing I'd agree with him.

Obviously, I don't know the ins and outs of your financial circumstances... but based on what you've said already, I really think that this incident is a sign you need to look into them.
Who pays for what. and when. What do you both think is fair.

A pp said that it looks like if you had a windfall it would be spent on the family, if he did, it would be spent on him... there's something wrong with the attitudes.

Obviously things should be proportionate but it does sound that he has proportionately more disposable income than you do and its spent on him, not on the family. I could be wrong.. but its a question of correctly identifying his attitude.

You've been told off by some for not having joint account. Given his attitude I still think you should keep your finances separate. after bills etc.
He's treating you like the mum of the family, you are supporting DD and him, so of course you have to pay for any of the boring things like coffees and car repairs etc. If he still owes you for the last set he should give you the compensation money for that.

How much is he saving? He needs to save for your DD's future too, not just rely on you. You do the bulk of the childcare too.. what does he do to even that out?

What does he spend his disposable income on ( no need to answer any of this on here but its a good idea to have a real think about this yourself) are you able to spend the same amount on your pursuits
Who pays for the bulk of DD's expenses
Who contributes so paying off credit card debt.

You said that it has more or less become the expectation that you pay for holidays/outings... is that because if it was left to him, they wouldn't happen. Maybe you should suggest that you pay 2/3 and he pays 1/3 towards these things in future, just like the bills. He also pays 1/3 towards credit card repayments in case he doesn't regard these as household bills.

Make a spreadsheet so the real picture is demonstrated.

Its not just about money, its about how equal the partnership is, and about how equal the effort each puts in. Do you do all the planning, organising Christmas, buying presents for his family. Christmas cards for his family. I'd stop all of that and let him take over the reins on things like that. He is a grown up too.

Another cautionary note. All the money that you use to subsidise him now... is money that could be going into your DD's future (unless he's also making a contribution to that but it's a "boring" detail maybe) And more importantly going into your pension fund. This may seem like a long long way away... but you need security for you and DD and as you get older and time flies by. And by that time you have far less wiggle room. It will be too late.
See a financial advisor and work out when you will have repaid your mortgage and if you are saving enough for your old age. He won't be subsidising you at that point. Do you both have life insurance?
To me it seems daft that you earn 2/3 of household income, but you are probably not able to save or see the benefits of working so hard because you are oversubsidising someone who feels very entitled and has just demonstrated exactly that to you now. He thinks you owe him because he's got used to your generosity. At the moment subsidising him is acting like an extra mortgage on your income. Not a problem as long as the proportion is fair, but it is a problem if his contribution in terms of finance and effort and thought is lacking

he pays bills according to percentage earnings. EVERYTHING ELSE for the family is paid for by her. All childcare, family expenses, days out, holidays 😑

If work pay for my train travel and i’m delayed, I get the compensation as the person inconvenienced. If a friend or relative paid, i’d offer them the money yes. He is a bit cheeky.

You're not married I assume?

I'd suggest to him to keep the compensation, but moving forward, holidays will be 50/50 split.

What a tight arsehole.
This would seriously grind my gears to the point I'd be tempted to fuck him off completely.

I think that OP's DH gets a pretty good deal. OP pays 2/3 of the mortgage/bills and her DP pays 1/3 via their joint account, so OP pays twice as much as he does. After that, he keeps the rest of his money for himself while OP pays for everything else, including everything that their joint child needs and holidays. He doesn't even pick up the bill for drinks in a coffee shop.

He sounds like a freeloader to me.