MIL & SIL want more.

[ThisWildHedgehog]

I’ve been married around 10 years and have 2 young children.

We see MIL & FIL at least every other week, sometimes more. When we visit, they don’t particularly “get involved” by that I mean they keep Cash in the Attic blaring and neither of them will move from their chairs to play or interact with the kids at any point.

When we leave, it’s a relief, and DH and I both feel the visits are hard work (their home is not remotely baby-proofed). They are also very critical of all of us.

We see all of the uncles and aunts infrequently, maybe a handful of times a year. MIL & SIL have a very close relationship and SIL is lonely. She’s the type of person who would want to text daily and probably see us and the kids multiple times a week. The thing is, both DH and I are not like that. We keep busy and don’t have the time. The time I do have, I’d honestly prefer to spend seeing other people because I have very little in common with SIL and find her emotionally intense. I also feel it would be unfair to my own siblings if I saw her significantly more just because she was the “pushy” one.

Things have now got to the point where MIL is texting me to arrange seeing SIL. If I don’t reply to daily texts, I get prompted. When we visit, conversations are often drawn back to how left out SIL feels (despite the fact she sees the kids more than any other aunt or uncle, so I don’t really understand it). It’s just become awkward. SIL is close to 40, so it feels bizarre to me that her mum is effectively setting up playdates for her. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

My husband has tried to talk to his mum and reset the narrative back to reality, as well as express healthy boundaries, but honestly it feels pointless because the next day it starts up again.

When we do visit, MIL will say things to the kids like, “your mummy keeps you from me” or “I never get to see you”. From my perspective she sees the kids a lot and also doesn’t seem to make use of the time she does get. (I’ll add that I’m actually the one prompting DH to visit, so her perception of me feels entirely wrong.)

MIL also makes comments that the kids “aren’t affectionate enough” with her, which I find difficult because I’m not really sure what else we’re supposed to do to facilitate that. DH has gently suggested things like turning the TV off, playing with them, talking to them more, or reading to them (my children absolutely adore books, but sadly neither IL has ever read to them). We do bring the kids regularly, surely a relationship develops through interaction? I don’t know how else to help.

She has now started recording 90% of the time we are there on her phone. I’m talking about me just sat around on the floor playing with the kids and even… recording me while I breastfeed. It feels awkward for her to sit silently unengaged filming me for such long periods of time with no real reason?

I just feel so lost. I’m trying to be a kind DIL, but nothing I do is ever enough, emotionally it’s taking its toll.

What can I do? Should I visit more and text more?

You should give up. You've both tried too hard to accommodate their nonsense. Is it time for no contact? I can't see anything that you, your H or your children gain from contact with them.

I find her recording you very odd. Why on earth is she doing that?

Don't visit at all, but invite them to visit you. I bet that will massively reduce the amount of time you have to see them.

Also, tell her to stop filming you! You need to develop a backbone on this one.

They sound bonkers. How is your DH normal?

Your MIL films you breastfeeding and your husband doesn't intervene?!
This is his mother so he should be making arrangements to see his mother and sister. He should also be the one to say "stop texting @ThisWildHedgehog sister is a grown adult and can arrange with her brother to see nieces and nephews".

Tell her you absolutely do not consent to her recording you, get up and leave if she persists. It's bonkers behaviour.

I should have mentioned that we of course invite them to us as it would be easier with the kids but they “don’t like leaving their house” and therefore will only see us if we go to them.

You are right about the recording, I just find it so utterly AWKWARD that I just pretend it’s not happening 🙃

Haha this is something I do joke with him about, his other sibling is also really lovely/normal and has a wonderful child who I love very dearly.

I'd block her number and let her go through DH for all communication. If she asks why then be honest and tell her it's because they don't respect boundaries.

With regard to the filming, tell her quite firmly to stop and that you don't consent to you or the DC being filmed. If she carries on then just get up and leave. You don't have to put up with this and have to be firm.

I think you need firmer boundaries tbh. You know their behaviour is batshit. Let your husband deal with the messages. Decide between the two of you what is a reasonable response and stick to it. And that is certainly not to text or visit more. Get him to do all the messaging and to challenge anything negative they say to you in person or on text. And in particular the filming has to stop.

No you need to back tight off. No more prompting from you, no more arranging things with them. When you do see mil tell her to stop filming you and/or your dc and tell mil to stop contacting you about sil as she is old enough to get in contact herself. Id also stop visiting so often and maybe even consider blocking both mil and sil if they cant back off with their demands it refuse to go through your dh ie their son and brother.
Whatever you do dont cave into their demands otherwise the problematic behaviour will only worsen

She needs boundaries, and she probably won’t like them. If I was in your position whenever she messages about arranging to see SIL I’d steer her towards DH and let him deal with it. Is she one of those people who expect you to visit them and never visit you? Every time she mentions the grandchildren being kept from her I would say she’s welcome to visit them and just repeat it every time. When she says it again just say as I said last time, you’re welcome to visit them.

I wouldn’t be in anyone’s home if they were recording me, what does your DH say about that and why hasn’t he told her to stop.

How old are they? Do they still work?

The whole things sounds awful. I’d stop initiating visits, their own son doesn’t want to see them, it’s not your job to arrange it! There’s no benefit to the kids from sitting in their house while the telly blares bit being interacted with. Your PIL are getting more than they’re putting in and I’d step right back from the whole thing. Stop replying to messages from them, DH can decide if he wants to go (sounds like he won’t) and you’ve tried your best but all you’re getting is grief. I’d have stamped down hard on the filming and the nasty comments about you to your kids. What a load of bullshit. Stop trying, nothing will be good enough so what’s the bloody point. Spend your precious free time with people who cherish you and your kids.

Her recording you breastfeeding is BEYOND creepy, why on earth are you tolerating that?!

DH needs to fix that and grow a backbone!

Be direct. ‘Gentle suggestions’ go nowhere. You don’t need to be rude or unkind but your DH can say “MIL, we lead busy lives and have work, household responsibilities and other family commitments to meet. We visit you every other week to make sure the children see you but they would have a closer relationship with you if you came to the park with us or read a story. It feels as if we are in the way if you keep your TV on’ (this doesn’t all have to be said at once).

Tell her you simply do not have time for more visits with SIL, but why doesn’t she come when you are visiting MIL?

Invite MIL and FIL go come to you! Invent white lie if they resist: your car out of action / need to wait in for delivery .

And for goodness sake ask her not to video you feeding. Tell her it makes you self cincious and harder to feed. If she persists get up and go to another room or to your car.

Why do you allow her to record you!! I mean, wtf!!! Id step back from them as they are nuts and your kids will pick up on their shit

Well, yesterday was the first time she’s recorded me while I breastfed. DH didn’t notice and I didn’t speak up in the moment. He was annoyed about it when I told him in the car and he definitely would have defended me if seen.

I know this because he’s really told MIL and SIL off previously for staring and also making comments about me breastfeeding previously.

I’m incensed on your behalf.
I think the next time MIL made a comment like that to the children in front of me I’d ask DH to take the children to go with him to look for that magazine in the car in a very firm tone that leaves him on no doubt what’s up and then I’d share a few home truths with them. I’d end with the fact that they need to contact their son/brother, not you, and that you are done with visiting and done with reminding DH to visit them and if they make comments like that to the children again you will seriously have to consider stopping contact because it is manipulative and wrong.

Meanwhile stop responding and leave everything to your DH Whose family this is.

They sound like a sorry pair.

They sound mental. You’re going to have to start making a stand.

“Stop filming me immediately. No? Then we’re leaving.”

“No SIL can’t come over then - it’s not convenient for us. She’s lonely? That’s a shame I hope she finds a way through that.”

“No we’re not coming over this weekend. You’re welcome to come here any time between 2-4 though and we’d be pleased to see you.”

“The kids aren’t affectionate? They’ll form a bond with you if you play with them and speak to them when they’re here. Let’s turn the telly off and play a game.”

Can't believe this is true. Well, I can actually but it's very sad. If my Mil acted like that I wouldn't see her anymore. End of. Let dh visit if he wants to. They are completely unhinged and doesn't bring anything positive to your family. It sounds so odd that you would put up with this @ThisWildHedgehog as noone I know would. Have you had a shitty, neglectful childhood OP? I can't see any other reason you would put up with this. Try therapy to help you find your selfworth so you can put boundaries in place for these toxic people before you go under.

I know! Must be a changeling.

Don't see the freaks again, just leave all contact to your husband. He is free to take your kids to see them, to text and arrange meetups. It's not your role to do any of this.
Mute all notifications from them and archive their messages. You are your own advocate, be confident in telling people to stop behaving badly.

When we do visit, MIL will say things to the kids like, “your mummy keeps you from me” or “I never get to see you”.

Oh, hell no. I wouldn't be having that. I grew up with a father who would talk like this to my young, half sister. It's psychological warfare and the child ends up feeling it most. I suppose a MIL might be less intense than a parent but still...

As for the recording 😳 I don't understand why people don't speak up to their parents. Maybe because I was brought up with dysfunction 😅 but if my mum was recording my partner doing mundane stuff, I'd be telling her to stop, it's weird! Fair enough a baby crawling or being cute, but recording you breastfeeding is another level. If SIL wants to see more of you, SIL can pop round or make her own arrangements. Find a boring response and repeat it often when they mention it.