MIL & SIL want more.

[ThisWildHedgehog]

I’ve been married around 10 years and have 2 young children.

We see MIL & FIL at least every other week, sometimes more. When we visit, they don’t particularly “get involved” by that I mean they keep Cash in the Attic blaring and neither of them will move from their chairs to play or interact with the kids at any point.

When we leave, it’s a relief, and DH and I both feel the visits are hard work (their home is not remotely baby-proofed). They are also very critical of all of us.

We see all of the uncles and aunts infrequently, maybe a handful of times a year. MIL & SIL have a very close relationship and SIL is lonely. She’s the type of person who would want to text daily and probably see us and the kids multiple times a week. The thing is, both DH and I are not like that. We keep busy and don’t have the time. The time I do have, I’d honestly prefer to spend seeing other people because I have very little in common with SIL and find her emotionally intense. I also feel it would be unfair to my own siblings if I saw her significantly more just because she was the “pushy” one.

Things have now got to the point where MIL is texting me to arrange seeing SIL. If I don’t reply to daily texts, I get prompted. When we visit, conversations are often drawn back to how left out SIL feels (despite the fact she sees the kids more than any other aunt or uncle, so I don’t really understand it). It’s just become awkward. SIL is close to 40, so it feels bizarre to me that her mum is effectively setting up playdates for her. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

My husband has tried to talk to his mum and reset the narrative back to reality, as well as express healthy boundaries, but honestly it feels pointless because the next day it starts up again.

When we do visit, MIL will say things to the kids like, “your mummy keeps you from me” or “I never get to see you”. From my perspective she sees the kids a lot and also doesn’t seem to make use of the time she does get. (I’ll add that I’m actually the one prompting DH to visit, so her perception of me feels entirely wrong.)

MIL also makes comments that the kids “aren’t affectionate enough” with her, which I find difficult because I’m not really sure what else we’re supposed to do to facilitate that. DH has gently suggested things like turning the TV off, playing with them, talking to them more, or reading to them (my children absolutely adore books, but sadly neither IL has ever read to them). We do bring the kids regularly, surely a relationship develops through interaction? I don’t know how else to help.

She has now started recording 90% of the time we are there on her phone. I’m talking about me just sat around on the floor playing with the kids and even… recording me while I breastfeed. It feels awkward for her to sit silently unengaged filming me for such long periods of time with no real reason?

I just feel so lost. I’m trying to be a kind DIL, but nothing I do is ever enough, emotionally it’s taking its toll.

What can I do? Should I visit more and text more?

I'd honestly never want to visit them ever again.

They sound appallingly tedious and the one saying 'your mummy is keeping you from us' sounds unhinged as fuck. Like a character from a horror movie.

I bet your kids don't even like them at all.

Why are you recording my breasts

Would you mind not taking inappropriate images of my breasts

It’s so creepy. Bet she wouldn’t be taking videos of baby bottle feeding. The weirdo.

Why on earth are you encouraging relationships with these weirdos!?

When we do visit, MIL will say things to the kids like, “your mummy keeps you from me”

This is emotional abuse and I would not be encouraging any form of relationship in this case. Have you read Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward?

I'd send one more message: "MIL, if you don't stop texting me about SIL I will block your number. It is inappropriate of you to pressure me in this way and I do not have to put up with it." She'll do it again, you'll block her, job done.

Playing with the children? PILs are not nannies! There must be some subordination and discipline if you were to bring up the children properly. My gps never played with us, we were in awe of them, we were invited and we stayed at theirs, but we watched them, tried to emulate them - like 'reading' a book upside down, joining them when they listened to the radio and pretended we were interested, studied our surroundings, etc. We copied what they did and it was a change from home, hugely enjoyable. As for 'keeping the kids away from me' - this is just words, the English exaggerate a lot in their speech - oh, have not seen the kids for aeons, oh, I am starving, oh, where on earth did you get that amazing necklace, etc.etc. They don't mean it for most part.

Cut the visits down to once a month and tell them that any time the following happens whilst you are there you will cancel the next visit: (a) the TV is on for longer than 15 minutes, (b) she films you without your consent, (c) she tells your kids something negative including "your mummy keeps you from me" and "you need to spend more time with SIL". The next visit also gets cancelled with them every time she sends you a text trying to force you to see SIL more often. If it means you don't see them for a year while they get the message and stop being so toxic around your children then that's what it takes - but i would never expose my kids to that behaviour regularly.

I'd start doing the passive aggressive thing back to her - to your little one in her hearing "isn't it odd that Grandma doesn't come to our house? Wouldn't you love to show her your toys?" "Why don't you ask Grandma to read you a book, she knows how much you love them?" "Haven't we seen Auntie X ever such a lot lately. It's a good job your other aunties don't get jealous" etc etc.

But yes, say it's too much to come to them and a lot easier for the kids if they are in their own environment but they're welcome any time. Then leave it to your DH to organise.

You sound so lovely - you are really trying hard to make these nutters happy. The issue is that they'll never be happy, so unfortunately you'll just have to give up. They'll probably complain about you, make you out to be a huge monster who's denying them access to their grandchildren but there's nothing you can do about it.

Send DH with the kids for a couple of hours every few weeks. Use that time to get a bit of peace on your own. That way, you'll appreciate them far more as they'll be giving you some alone time and you won't have to deal with them. Win!

This is both toxic and batshit. Recording you breastfeeding? Unhinged and a complete violation. I wouldn't go there again. Your own boundaries are messed up that you allowed this and don't see how seriously messed up that is.

Time to delete noth numbers or archive them. Leave them to your husband 100%. I actually find the recording of you completely shocking. You need to find your anger at such a violation of your privacy.

And your children are being emotionally abused by hearing that you keep them from your MIL. Please wake up to how nuts this is.

I think each remark should be met with a remark back.

Everytime there is a comment about you keeping children from them. Should be answered with “You would see them more if you turned the TV off or actually came to visit them.”

Everytime they try to organise a play date with SIL

If sil really wanted to arrange to come visit I am sure she is capable of organising these things on her own.

And MIL Why are you filming me? Please delete what you have just filmed.

I think you need to refer MIL & SIL to DH when you receive messages. Let them know he will organise a time that suits everyone. If he doesn’t reply immediately it’s because he’s busy too. (His business will probably be accepted by them because he’s a bloke.) *Obvs he has to run it past you first and they will have to wait.

Your older child has the right idea! Ten minutes sounds like more than enough in your MIL's company.

You really need to put your foot down when she starts filming you breastfeeding. You need to tell her to stop immediately as it's really weird and makes you feel incredibly uncomfortable. It's actual illegal for her to do this without your permission.

In your OP you have asked whether you should visit more and text more? My response would be absolutely not. You need to see her much less than you do now. Neither you or your children get anything positive from these visits. Your MIL is hardly a doting grandmother as she never plays with the children and seems very detached.

Oh for goodness sake. You don't go no contact with your mother/your child's grandparents because they love them and want to see more of them!!! Mumsnet at its finest 🙄

They seem like the sort of family you see once a year in between Christmas and new year (never a prime holiday date) and thank your lucky stars that you haven't got to see them for another year.

Time with a small family is precious. Start doing what you and your family enjoy and not dutifully spending your spare time with family members who give nothing back (and are just plain weird).

Just no

If the breastfeeding recording only happened yesterday, then this is the perfect time for dh to speak up.

Get him to phone them and talk about the recording. Quite simply, it was inappropriate and made hedghog very uncomfortable.
While we are on the topic, with small children it is becoming harder and harder to come to your house because the kids are bored.
If you want to see them, then step up, turn TV off, read a story, talk directly to kids.
Or, come to our house where there are toys, so kids don't get bored.

This might be one of the strangest replies I’ve ever read on Mumsnet.

My gps never played with us, we were in awe of them, we were invited and we stayed at theirs, but we watched them, tried to emulate them

In awe of them and trying to emulate them?

Why?

I wouldn’t be visiting them anymore.

And they are not the kind of people I’d be wanting to encourage my children to have a relationship with, therefore I certainly wouldn’t be inviting them over to my home.

I’d suggest meeting them for lunch/at a park/softplay etc once a month. Get your husband to tell them why this needs to happen. And if MIL starts filming or making comments about SIL or making comments about you to your children, I’d be leaving immediately.

Even without any of the other weirdness recording you breastfeeding, what the actual?!

At least now when they invite you round your DH can say no, we're not coming to your house anymore after you filmed my wife breastfeeding YOU MASSIVE WEIRDO.

So you see no issues with OP's MIL's behaviour? None at all? Not even when her MIL films OP while she is breastfeeding?

Talk to them, with your husband. Say clearly what you've said to us here: it's unreasonable you watch TV all the time you're here, I don't want people recording in my house all the time-taking a short video of Kyla decortaing cakes is fine. Please don't ever say "mummy keeps me"-I actually coordinate while Matt doesn't. If you want to see them more, I'd like you to....(give clear instructions that are helpful to you, maybe they can take them to the park while you get on with something else.
I wonder if SIL has had some problems you're not aware of? If so it's not your fault, but gains, making arrangements which allow her to take the kids on playdates, while giving you some free time, might be the best of both worlds. If they refuse to cooperate, you'll know you've done all you can.

Really?

I remember most visits as boring and clock watching sat in stuffy living rooms that always smelt a bit funky with the orange squash that tasted horrible in bumpy glasses.

Definitely not trying to copy or in awe of the old people sat nattering.

The best bits where when someone’s else’s children where visiting down the street and we could all disappear outside.

Did not make me want to go and visit them off my own back or free will.

The fun grandparents however I remember gardening with, going fishing with, even plucking a bloody pheasant. The difference was the doing things.

Rather than seen and not heard type of grandparent.

I’ve put YBU because I honestly cannot understand why you’re putting up with this. Cut the visits down. Tell your DH to go on his own sometimes and tell her she’s not allowed to record you and if you hear her making comments like that again she will see what it really means for the kids to be kept away from her

I absolutely would if my weird in laws were harassing me daily to see SIL, making snide comments to my children and recording me breastfeeding

I wouldn't be going back until baby is no longer being breastfed.

Is SIL socially awkward with no friends as it's weird they still live at home at that age.

Should I visit more and text more?

Absolutely not. These people have no boundaries so you need to set some. Reduce the visits, leave the second any filming starts and stop pussyfooting around. You aren’t court jesters.

Tell them they make you extremely uncomfortable and you aren’t visiting until they have a conversation about appropriate behaviour with you because you don’t want your kids thinking this is normal.