MIL & SIL want more.

[ThisWildHedgehog]

I’ve been married around 10 years and have 2 young children.

We see MIL & FIL at least every other week, sometimes more. When we visit, they don’t particularly “get involved” by that I mean they keep Cash in the Attic blaring and neither of them will move from their chairs to play or interact with the kids at any point.

When we leave, it’s a relief, and DH and I both feel the visits are hard work (their home is not remotely baby-proofed). They are also very critical of all of us.

We see all of the uncles and aunts infrequently, maybe a handful of times a year. MIL & SIL have a very close relationship and SIL is lonely. She’s the type of person who would want to text daily and probably see us and the kids multiple times a week. The thing is, both DH and I are not like that. We keep busy and don’t have the time. The time I do have, I’d honestly prefer to spend seeing other people because I have very little in common with SIL and find her emotionally intense. I also feel it would be unfair to my own siblings if I saw her significantly more just because she was the “pushy” one.

Things have now got to the point where MIL is texting me to arrange seeing SIL. If I don’t reply to daily texts, I get prompted. When we visit, conversations are often drawn back to how left out SIL feels (despite the fact she sees the kids more than any other aunt or uncle, so I don’t really understand it). It’s just become awkward. SIL is close to 40, so it feels bizarre to me that her mum is effectively setting up playdates for her. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

My husband has tried to talk to his mum and reset the narrative back to reality, as well as express healthy boundaries, but honestly it feels pointless because the next day it starts up again.

When we do visit, MIL will say things to the kids like, “your mummy keeps you from me” or “I never get to see you”. From my perspective she sees the kids a lot and also doesn’t seem to make use of the time she does get. (I’ll add that I’m actually the one prompting DH to visit, so her perception of me feels entirely wrong.)

MIL also makes comments that the kids “aren’t affectionate enough” with her, which I find difficult because I’m not really sure what else we’re supposed to do to facilitate that. DH has gently suggested things like turning the TV off, playing with them, talking to them more, or reading to them (my children absolutely adore books, but sadly neither IL has ever read to them). We do bring the kids regularly, surely a relationship develops through interaction? I don’t know how else to help.

She has now started recording 90% of the time we are there on her phone. I’m talking about me just sat around on the floor playing with the kids and even… recording me while I breastfeed. It feels awkward for her to sit silently unengaged filming me for such long periods of time with no real reason?

I just feel so lost. I’m trying to be a kind DIL, but nothing I do is ever enough, emotionally it’s taking its toll.

What can I do? Should I visit more and text more?

This is really funny! Your toddler has their boundaries in place!

I would just totally disengage. Stop visiting and let DH visit if he wants to. If they ask why, he can tell you were very upset about being filmed breastfeeding because obviously you were! What a horrible thing to do to you.

What can you do?

Ignore the playdate texts. Do not reply on demand. Let the text just sit there.

Start asserting yourself and say "this is not ok. i suggest you talk to DH about this" and dump it on him to deal with.

When we do visit, MIL will say things to the kids like, “your mummy keeps you from me” or “I never get to see you”. From my perspective she sees the kids a lot and also doesn’t seem to make use of the time she does get. (I’ll add that I’m actually the one prompting DH to visit, so her perception of me feels entirely wrong.)
MIL also makes comments that the kids “aren’t affectionate enough” with her, which I find difficult because I’m not really sure what else we’re supposed to do to facilitate that. DH has gently suggested things like turning the TV off, playing with them, talking to them more, or reading to them (my children absolutely adore books, but sadly neither IL has ever read to them). We do bring the kids regularly, surely a relationship develops through interaction? I don’t know how else to help.

And frankly stop this shit. If she continues to emotionally manipulate or abuse you using the children make it clear she will not be visiting again due to this. And get your DH to stop being a wet blanket who allows her to behave like this around the kids.

In fact, don't deal with her at all. Leave it to your roaster of a husband to deal with his toxic mother.

They are not adding anything to your children's lives and they are demostrating behaviour which is harmful to the kids.

Low contact is the way forward. You will never please her. Stop trying to.

They're beyond weird. I wouldn't be going back. And I'd let your DH deal with the fallout.

I wouldn't want that kind of energy around my kids.

You’ve got a DH problem, now he knows about the filming he absolutely needs to set a boundary around it. I can’t believe you didn’t say anything! So creepy! Id also expect DH to message SIL and make plans, stay right out of it. What a weird family dynamic!

I don't get why you go so often.

Make it once a month. Invite them to make the effort in between.

Leave all arrangements to your dh.

Encourage him to communicate directly and clearly. What's this "gentle" bs? They sound forthcoming in letting you kniw what they want. Why are you tip toeing round?

Ps. The recording is outrageous

It goes without saying that SIL’s loneliness isn’t your problem. She needs to put herself out there more and make some friends/ get a job if she doesn’t have one. She needs to make herself busier and basically get a life.

Definitely draw some boundaries. Absolutely no recording of you !

They don't like leaving their house?

Are they very old or medically challenged to be housebound?

They think as family they're entitled to your time Op but make no effort for you or your DC, it's time to make yourself available only if they make some changes. Filming you breastfeeding is downright weird and that needs to stop.
Pestering you to see your SIL is weird too, it seems like the whole family have no life and expect to live through you, I wonder if your MIL thinks you have the life her DD should be living, maybe the videos are for her?

My Fil is an out out or home man.

It’s strange how they don’t even think that maybe the people they also want to see are maybe home people. I don’t like the uncomfortable stuffiness of sitting like a guest at their home means I can’t wait to leave.

I like to be chilled at my home much like he clearly likes to be at his.

Why is their comfort more important than the people they want to visit.

Everyone should take turns being uncomfy in those situations. I’ll visit their home. Next visit well you can leave your castle and visit mine.

She’s never told me why she’s suddenly started recording but I’d be willing to bet that it’s to send to SIL.

SIL does not work and does not have a partner so I think you could be right on all accounts.

It is very confusing when family are insistent on your presence but don’t actually engage with you or the children. Sounds like your family want to crack on with their normal routine knowing that you are just there. At least they don’t require you to all cram in to stay the night which would benefit no one.
Exhausting!
The recording business is very wrong.

Let your DH deal with this.
cut down visits to only every few months , your DH can go on his own?
Then tell them they can visit you instead - obviously they won’t…
And leave immediately if the filming starts.

I'd say visit less, OP. Every other week is an awful lot and, as your kids get older, their time will be taken up with clubs, activities and friends. If you don't enjoy visiting these people, then don't do it!

Filming you is so utterly creepy. Surely they they know that this is not normal behaviour.
Let your husband take the kids on visits on his own, if at all.
If they can't be bothered to switch the telly off they don't deserve visits really. Don't they have anything for the kids to play with? A few building blocks or toy cars? Why are they allowed to not leave the house if they don't want to, when you have to? Assuming they are not housebound.

SIL has nothing better to do / think about.
Her & MIL are projecting onto you, sadly.

I have said you are being unreasonable... to yourself and the kids

Your SIL records yoy breastfeeding?

No. Just stop going

Your DH can explain why

I mean really you hold all the cards for want of a better phrase.

You can visit when you want & leave when you want.

Preferably when someone films/complains!

If the kids don't get anything from it your husband can visit alone if he wants.

There are 2 things you need to work on;

1. Not caring - they are not your family, they are your DH's. They are his to deal with. I bet you don't expect the same level of immersion of your DH in your own family? I bet he doesn't sort things out with yours and you have to do it?

You SIL's lack of a life is hers to sort out. You and your DC are not her entertainment.

2. Your responses - you need some set responses;

Oh dear..
That's a shame
Hmm, interesting
I don't know about that. You should speak to your son/ brother about it. I'm not his gatekeeper.
Hmm, no I am not going to do that.
Do you/ they. Aww isn't that nice.
Well if we all did things the same way it would be a boring world wouldn't it?

Texts: Thanks for the texts. DH will get back to you, and then get him to message them back. They'll soon realise that they have to go through him if they want something.

Learn to smile and wave like the Penguins of Madagascar

The recording is very weird. I would reduce visits to 1-2 times a year, and instead invite them to yours once a month. If asked why, just say the kids are bored there as PILs don't play with them so you're better of with them visting where the children's toys and playthings are. And repeat this reason every time without changing the boundary.

At least at your place you can control whether the TV is on and whether or not they have their phones out.

The recording thing is super weird - ask DH to talk to him mum about that.

OP it sounds like DH has got your back which is massively helpful, although sounds like he could be a bit firmer. Try to channel more of the communication with MIL through him instead of responding to her directly.

How far away do PILs live? (Apologies if I've missed it upthread)That affects how often is reasonable to see them, and how reasonable it is to expect them to come to you.

We do weekly video calls with PILs as they were complaining they didn't see enough of DC but were unwilling to travel (and their house is a nightmare with young DC due to dirt/clutter). Would that be an option for your PILs or SIL?

How old are your DC's @ThisWildHedgehog? Assuming they are old enough (obviously not the one still breastfeeding), next time I would take eggs, flour etc and when you walk in, turn the tv off and announce that the kids would love to spend the afternoon doing baking with grandma. Alone with grandma. As you leave tell her that the kids had the best time ever and next week you'll be bringing finger painting for them to do together. 😱😇😂

See if she is so keen to see more of her grandkids if she actually has to engage with them at any point.

I would begin by cutting the visits down to once a month and blocking their number so that all calls go to DH. If they film you on your next visit walk out and go low contact for a few months. Thats the only way they will learn.

Why are women considered so incapable of speaking for themselves against the inlaws that they need a man to speak for them? 'Stop filming, now!' isn't a hard sentence. I wonder f these women speak to their own mothers when their OH is annoyed by her?

It sounds like they like the idea of contact more than the reality. We have 2 relatives- one far away - who seem to tick similarly. They will exclaim over films of DS but can’t connect with him: even find him tiresome. I think they get their connection by observing rather than participating. DS has cottoned on and ignores them in turn.

There’s very little you can do, so offer contact on your terms, like at a park. They won’t come, but that’s not your fault.