MIL & SIL want more.

[ThisWildHedgehog]

I’ve been married around 10 years and have 2 young children.

We see MIL & FIL at least every other week, sometimes more. When we visit, they don’t particularly “get involved” by that I mean they keep Cash in the Attic blaring and neither of them will move from their chairs to play or interact with the kids at any point.

When we leave, it’s a relief, and DH and I both feel the visits are hard work (their home is not remotely baby-proofed). They are also very critical of all of us.

We see all of the uncles and aunts infrequently, maybe a handful of times a year. MIL & SIL have a very close relationship and SIL is lonely. She’s the type of person who would want to text daily and probably see us and the kids multiple times a week. The thing is, both DH and I are not like that. We keep busy and don’t have the time. The time I do have, I’d honestly prefer to spend seeing other people because I have very little in common with SIL and find her emotionally intense. I also feel it would be unfair to my own siblings if I saw her significantly more just because she was the “pushy” one.

Things have now got to the point where MIL is texting me to arrange seeing SIL. If I don’t reply to daily texts, I get prompted. When we visit, conversations are often drawn back to how left out SIL feels (despite the fact she sees the kids more than any other aunt or uncle, so I don’t really understand it). It’s just become awkward. SIL is close to 40, so it feels bizarre to me that her mum is effectively setting up playdates for her. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

My husband has tried to talk to his mum and reset the narrative back to reality, as well as express healthy boundaries, but honestly it feels pointless because the next day it starts up again.

When we do visit, MIL will say things to the kids like, “your mummy keeps you from me” or “I never get to see you”. From my perspective she sees the kids a lot and also doesn’t seem to make use of the time she does get. (I’ll add that I’m actually the one prompting DH to visit, so her perception of me feels entirely wrong.)

MIL also makes comments that the kids “aren’t affectionate enough” with her, which I find difficult because I’m not really sure what else we’re supposed to do to facilitate that. DH has gently suggested things like turning the TV off, playing with them, talking to them more, or reading to them (my children absolutely adore books, but sadly neither IL has ever read to them). We do bring the kids regularly, surely a relationship develops through interaction? I don’t know how else to help.

She has now started recording 90% of the time we are there on her phone. I’m talking about me just sat around on the floor playing with the kids and even… recording me while I breastfeed. It feels awkward for her to sit silently unengaged filming me for such long periods of time with no real reason?

I just feel so lost. I’m trying to be a kind DIL, but nothing I do is ever enough, emotionally it’s taking its toll.

What can I do? Should I visit more and text more?

You should do far less not more.

It is not your job to entertain the in-laws.
I would stop it all pretty much now. Nothing you do will be good enough and I think spending so much of your precious free time there is harmful to your little family unit. If they don't want to listen to reason, just stop.

They sound mad! Recording you? Why dont you ask her clearly and at the time what she is doing recording you. What is she going to do with the videos?

There is actually a new crime that was introduced in 2022 called 'breastfeeding voyeurism'.

For an act to be a crime under this law, the perpetrator must:

• Record an image or operate equipment to observe the person breastfeeding.
• Act without the person’s consent.
• Have the intent of sexual gratification or causing the victim humiliation, distress, or alarm.

I doubt that your MIL is getting sexual gratification from this but it is distressing you and she definitely doesn't ask if you are OK with this.

Honestly, I would just stop visiting her. She sounds utterly dreadful.

He needs to be equally assertive about critical comments made in front of your Dc. She says something like “Mummy doesn’t let you …” and you immediately jump in with ‘that’s not true’ and change the subject. Practice this in your head. THEN DH says ‘Mum, I am not prepared to accept you criticising Jellycat in front of the children. It isn’t fair, and it isn’t healthy for the children. (Which is true). If you do it again we will go straight home’ and DO IT. Without fuss or drama. Just ‘ok, that’s the end of today’s visit take care, byeeee’.

Discuss tactics between the two of you to tackle this nonsense.

But in truth they sound like a pain and you may end up having to just keep your distance.

But don’t pander to it. It never ends well with people like this.

Well, doesn't that solve your problem, then, if they don't like leaving the house?

But why on earth didn't you tell your MIL to stop filming you when you were breastfeeding? That's deeply weird and intrusive.

I think you just need to be honest and tell MIL you can’t facilitate SILs needs, your busy with your own lifes and suggest SIL joins some hobby groups to make her own friends. And also tell her to delete the video of you breastfeeding as it’s just fucking weird.

But you know she’s been recording you at other times? What makes you accept that from her. I think your own boundaries are too lax, far from trying to keep them happy you should be making it clear that you have only so much time you can spend, and won’t be doing that at all while she’s recording you in her home.

So you don’t like her filming you breastfeeding (who would??) and DH was annoyed about it. Get him to phone his MIL to tell her you won’t be visiting as you think being filmed while breastfeeding is totally inappropriate. As for SIL, just hold your boundaries, or as you say, she’ll take over your life. It’s difficult, OP, but very necessary for your own sanity. I’d stop going over to your in-laws’ so often, as well, and if they don’t like it, tell them that you din’t enjoy visiting people who are just watching telly or who are filming you.

“your mummy keeps you from me” or “I never get to see you”.

That's when you should leave!

So MIL records you, makes comments to the kids & neither of you enjoy going.

So what's the point?

You're doing more than enough. As others have said - firmly state that your inlaws are welcome to come and see the kids at your home. You can't visit more because you're too busy. Ignore nagging text messages, or get your husband to deal with them as they're his parents/problem. Just set boundaries and stick to them.

They sound very weird and rigid. I would give it another conversation around "you need to engage with the children / tv off / not talk utter bollocks about me/my wife when we're present" and put in clear boundaries with your MIL. Sympathies!

I'd just pull back and also have your husband explicitly say enough to thr narrative it's you keeping keeping away and thr narrative is incorrect that they're kept away anyway. I LOATHE when people talk passive aggressively through the kids, I may be wrong but it seems a generational trait as my mum does it too then tries to breeze over it when I pull her up. Same generation usually says things like oh did mummy nip you when baby cries etc, it's wierd.

Your Sil feels something is missing from her life and that's sad, but you're not her emotional support family, you're busy with a young family. They aren't even grateful or making the most of the time they do have with the kids so I'd just step back tbh, mute them on WhatsApp and archive them so you don't have to look at their contact and see a message.

MIL knows you don’t like her.
But tell/ask her to stop the filming of you breastfeeding.
Don’t expect them to turn off the television etc.
Don’t respond to the SIL text requests.

You are right that relationships with children develop with interaction.
You need to say this to her.

edited to add, the filming is unacceptable

Every time MIL/SIL messages you reply with "i'll forward this message on to DH" everytime she rings, IF you answer you tell her you will ask DH to return her call.

You are not your DH social secretary.

You tell DH and your MIL that either the intrusive filming stops or your visits stop, no softly softly on this one.

You also need to take some responsiblity in this situation by starting to listen to your DH, if he doesn't want to visit his parents then it would seem a valid opinion and it is his choice, stop pushing his relationship with them.

No, I would visit less and text less. DH should manage the relationship with his family. Take a huge step back.

They sound unhinged!

All visits to be at your home as better for the children.

If they don’t like leaving Their home then oh well. Why does there not want to leave trump your want to stay home as well.

She records you she leaves.

Of course it’s easier for them to sit at home and you go to them. It’s not a good enough excuse. I’d get DH to repeat, you can always come here. They won’t want to as they can’t sit and watch tv though.

For some reason some adults believe children should care about how they are related to them and it overrides everything. Children don’t care. They just care how you act with them.
I remember my friends ex hadn’t seen his DD for years and then had a tantrum because she didn’t run over to embrace him, he was a total stranger to her.

Bloody hell, they sound insane. I’d be putting up hard boundaries and visiting less- not more! Why’s she filming you?! Why’s she undermining you to your DC.

You don’t have to be good friends with SIL if you’ve got nothing in common, and you don’t have to put up with this manipulative behaviour- it’s unhealthy. Don’t expose your DC to this. Invite them to yours instead, once a month max, and that way she might behave better off her own turf.

Children aren’t pets. If she wants affection then she needs to interact with them.

If you’re serious about the constant recording I would cease visits immediately. Protect your DC from this invasion of their privacy. Why isn’t your DH sticking up for all of you?

Recording you while you breastfeed??? This will be the last time they will see me.

Yeah there is a lot going on with this situation, but this part in particular: what is stopping MIL from visiting them? I would reply exactly this to MIL.

I'll be very honest here and say that YOU need to be braver about speaking up and putting boundaries in place. Your ILs are absolutely weird but it's on you to speak up and stand up for yourself. Why are you pandering to them so much and why is your husband being such a wet lettuce with them. Please stand up for yourself, don't let them record you with your boobs out! If they don't want to come to your house, then they don't get to see the kids. Why do you keep going? You are in control of your own life, use your words and don't spend so much time worrying if you will offend people that have no regard for you or your wellbeing.