MIL & SIL want more.

[ThisWildHedgehog]

I’ve been married around 10 years and have 2 young children.

We see MIL & FIL at least every other week, sometimes more. When we visit, they don’t particularly “get involved” by that I mean they keep Cash in the Attic blaring and neither of them will move from their chairs to play or interact with the kids at any point.

When we leave, it’s a relief, and DH and I both feel the visits are hard work (their home is not remotely baby-proofed). They are also very critical of all of us.

We see all of the uncles and aunts infrequently, maybe a handful of times a year. MIL & SIL have a very close relationship and SIL is lonely. She’s the type of person who would want to text daily and probably see us and the kids multiple times a week. The thing is, both DH and I are not like that. We keep busy and don’t have the time. The time I do have, I’d honestly prefer to spend seeing other people because I have very little in common with SIL and find her emotionally intense. I also feel it would be unfair to my own siblings if I saw her significantly more just because she was the “pushy” one.

Things have now got to the point where MIL is texting me to arrange seeing SIL. If I don’t reply to daily texts, I get prompted. When we visit, conversations are often drawn back to how left out SIL feels (despite the fact she sees the kids more than any other aunt or uncle, so I don’t really understand it). It’s just become awkward. SIL is close to 40, so it feels bizarre to me that her mum is effectively setting up playdates for her. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

My husband has tried to talk to his mum and reset the narrative back to reality, as well as express healthy boundaries, but honestly it feels pointless because the next day it starts up again.

When we do visit, MIL will say things to the kids like, “your mummy keeps you from me” or “I never get to see you”. From my perspective she sees the kids a lot and also doesn’t seem to make use of the time she does get. (I’ll add that I’m actually the one prompting DH to visit, so her perception of me feels entirely wrong.)

MIL also makes comments that the kids “aren’t affectionate enough” with her, which I find difficult because I’m not really sure what else we’re supposed to do to facilitate that. DH has gently suggested things like turning the TV off, playing with them, talking to them more, or reading to them (my children absolutely adore books, but sadly neither IL has ever read to them). We do bring the kids regularly, surely a relationship develops through interaction? I don’t know how else to help.

She has now started recording 90% of the time we are there on her phone. I’m talking about me just sat around on the floor playing with the kids and even… recording me while I breastfeed. It feels awkward for her to sit silently unengaged filming me for such long periods of time with no real reason?

I just feel so lost. I’m trying to be a kind DIL, but nothing I do is ever enough, emotionally it’s taking its toll.

What can I do? Should I visit more and text more?

WTF is wrong with these people?
As PPs have said, as soon as any recording happens you just leave.
Keep inviting them to yours or to meet out somewhere but stop going to theirs simply because they can't be arsed to make any effort.
They can't then claim you're stopping the relationship.
Just ignore SIL. You can practically smell the crazy on her.

When you visit again, go in armed. Turn the TV off, and say 'the children were looking forward to playing and reading with grandparents. Get the children to take books and games, strongly encourage the children to plonk books games etc, onto granparents laps strongly insist that you're pil engage with the children. Ask your husband to insist his mother deletes any recordings of you, and that she is never to do it again. Ignore any chatter about sil, ignore any texts about sil. Only stay an hour and a half. Your aim is to tire them out. 😁

You are not the problem. You visit every other week. That's plenty. MIL doesn't engage with the kids when you're there. That's on her. SIL is almost 40 and her mom is texting you to set up playdates. That's bizarre.

Get your DH to take the kids round. I’m sorry but I would not be going anywhere near that house.

Odd people and a pattern developing which just doesn’t work.
Time for a reset and some blunt talking.
Use the family WhatsApp group to say something along the lines of second child has really added to the parenting workload, you have busy lives and you both have decided that it would work better to see in-laws once a month for a meal. It will need to be at your house as it is set up for the kids. Maybe make it SIL and other sibling too. If they won’t come then maybe your DH takes one child to visit briefly every few weeks.
Ask very openly what she does with the videos. Stop the breast feeding ones immediately and tell herthat the ones of the kids are never to be shared on social media.

I’d have stopped bothering with these people as soon as the filming on the phone started. Recording someone breastfeeding without consent is at the very least antisocial.

Leave it all to your husband; but tell him to invite them to your home instead of arranging to go there. If he doesn’t do that without being reminded to, it’s between him and his parents.

What is she going to do with the recording? Post on FB? WhatsApp group? I'd be cutting down the visits. They need to come to you. Now and again.

the very last thing I would do is ‘more’!! I think I’d stop going more than once a month and just start sending regular invites to our place or a park and then say we try but you never want to see them when we offer. And when you do go if they have a comment I’d lose it, turn the tv off and say let me be clear, you sit here playing music with the tv on, the closest thing you do to interacting with your grandchildren is filming them and we’ve told you that’s weird, you’ve never played with them so much as read them a story and you are upset they don’t have a better relationship with you? You haven’t made any effort to have a relationship with them, you’ve just criticised us.

what does the sibling you like think- have they managed similar behaviour?

They all sounds crazy and horrible as well, with all the snide remarks and complaining about you to the children. I would massively reduce visits but put the ball in their court by inviting them to your place. Your DH needs to deal with his family from now on.

If someone started filming me breastfeeding I'd be demanding the recording deleted and fucking off pronto. I know it's easier said than done but your fella needs to call her on speaker and ask wtf she was doing ?

You could probably take more control here in order to shift the dynamic rather than waiting for things to go wrong and focussing on how to respond to respond if they do e.g. invite them for a low fuss lunch / tea at a specific time instead of going to their house & tell them the kids want to show them their pictures / den / bake them a cake etc; the minute she touches her phone say ' please don't film me it makes me really uncomfortable'; bring up her concern about lack of affection from the kids and say next time you visit you & DH will go out for a walk for an hr and give them some 1-1 with their DGCs; bring up the subject of SIL yourself and control the narrative: why does she think her daughter has such problems, how could she help her, what has she already done to help, it's a pity you can't help as you don't even have enough time to see your own friends...

Just carry on as you are with twice monthly visits, change the subject when they get weird and ask her not to film you bf.

you allow it???? I mean w the actual f?

Get a new number. Do not give it out. Dh can manage their expectations as he sees fit.. IE if he is bothered he can visit.
Way too much crap to be dealing with op.
No need you do so.

This all day long.

Stop going to them. Tell them your children need to be in a safe and stimulating environment without the TV constantly on. If it makes it easier, frame it as an age thing i.e. "now that they're a bit older they want their toys/books around..." but you shouldn't have to do that.

If they don't like leaving the house, frankly that's tough. They should have made an effort in their own house and not be fucking weird filming you.

People get away with insane behaviour like this because we're all conditioned to avoid awkwardness at all cost. I'd be absolutely ITCHING to drop a bomb in your shoes OP.

Stare down the lens and say clearly "Why are you filming me, MIL? It's really weird"

When she says "Mummy keeps you from me?", say "Don't do that". And when she says "what?" reply with something like "you're telling my child something untrue in an attempt to manipulate the narrative. Please stop". Bonus points if both are delivered with a smile.

I do get it's horrible to rock to boat but they DESERVE it. Revel in the awkwardness! It's the last thing they'll be expecting and you'll be so proud of yourself afterwards.

I mean c'mon OP. Why are you putting up with this nonsense? You just need to get DH to say parents - we aren't going to visit you any more as you filming DW has made us very uncomfortable. You are welcome to come and visit us but no filming or complaining to the kids about us keeping them from you. We want you to have a good relationship with the kids - we suggest you do that by coming to the kids' home and properly engaging with them. Buy some books and post them to ILs and suggest they bring them over to the kids to read with them.

But above all do not accept their narrative of things. Don't take them there, if you do take them there warn them on arrival that if they film you or make negative comments to the kids you will leave straight away. And make sure you follow through and leave if they do. Honestly as some PPs have said you may find you need to reduce contact to a minimum. But I'd start by pushing them to come to your house first and trying to 'retrain' them.

I mean if it was me, I would be telling her to delete that video immediately or she wouldn't be seeing the kids at all.

I’d just ignore them, visit every so often and shut down any comments that they don’t see the kids. ‘We visit very regularly MIL. You’re always welcome to make the effort to come to us’. The recording is weird. YWNBU to just tell her that, or ask her why she is recording you breastfeeding.

What age are your kids? If they’re anything like mine they’ll soon start shouting ‘I’M BORED’ in that environment 🥴

You both need to outright tell them immediately to not film you when you're breastfeeding and not to say things like "you're mummy keeps you from me". You tell them it's unacceptable and if they do it again, you'll all leave and then do that.

You cannot allow your children to see your intimacy being infringed upon while you say nothing. It is so so dangerous for children to be exposed to that. You need to model standing up for yourself when you're uncomfortable for them, however difficult it is.

I should have mentioned that we of course invite them to us as it would be easier with the kids but they “don’t like leaving their house” and therefore will only see us if we go to them.

So you invite them, then when they decline you say 'OK, never mind, see you another time' and change the subject.

OP - it is hard shifting your dynamic so that you are laying down and protecting boundaries. Remember that people who trample all over boundaries have no qualms about upsetting anyone, so why would you need to worry about pushing back with equal confidence / traction?

But this is why it helps to have practice and discuss agreed tactics with your DH.. Have phrases in your back pocket "No, we can't do that this week, we'll be in touch" "We have already had that conversation, nothing more to add - ooh, someone at door" "I don't feel comfortable with that" "I can't compete with Homes Under The Hammer so could we turn it off while we play XXX? And so that the DC can talk to you?" Or DH just turn it off "We're here to visit with the kids - let's play snap" "We are working parents with two extended families to spend time with. We simply cannot fit in anything else. Don't take it personally" Practice the art of changing the subject after you have said what you have to say. Have subjects ready, from a cup of tea to sporting events to local issues - anything, just have them ready.

These techniques help you speak up in the moment.

Don't facilitate anything. Your DH's parents are his parents. They're weird and you're getting the blame anyway!!! Might as well save yourself some time at the weekend.

This is weird AF.

You and your dh sound like boiled frogs.

One of you needs to kick up a fuss (him) and reset things. Their expectations are unreasonable.

I'd be telling them a few home truths personally...
Eg. "If you want a hug...Maybe turn the tv off and actually play with your grandchild"

Next time thry film you id get your phone out and film them. Absolute creep behaviour.

Id also stop visiting but keep inviting them out or to yours. Then you can just say you chose not to see the kids.

Not old enough for that yet hahaha.

The older one has started bringing us their shoes and saying ‘bye bye’ about 10 minutes after we arrive though 🫣