Just had a friend hide from me!

[Nefrititi]

I was just on the way back from the school run, I live on a main road so people can park all along it.
A good friend of mine parks there as she gets a lift into work from someone who lives up the road from me.
As I’m pulling up on my drive I see her getting out of her car but I’m already passed her to beep to acknowledge her (she defo sees me at this point)
So as I’m reversing on my drive I see her cross over the road (she normally walks my side and we’ll wave or a quick chat)
Then as I’m reversing she hides behind a large van opposite so that I can’t see her as I’m parked facing the road!
So I waited in my car to see if she would emerge the other side of the van but she didn’t. It was so obvious!
The thing is I’m the last person to hold someone up or chat for ages (massive introvert) and she’s the opposite and absolutely loves a chat.
We are actually going on holiday together next Monday with 2 other girls (me and one of the girls are paying for it as a treat as the other 2 are financially struggling).
I know I can be really sensitive but that just really hurt this morning. Also was my birthday in March and I didn’t even get a card from the 2 girls.

I don’t understand how you can take others with you on the holiday? Haven’t you booked flights already - it’s quite hard to change names etc?

Take a photo of her hiding

You say you were reversing as she hid behind the large van. Isn’t the most likely conclusion that you just didn’t see her come out the other side because you were looking behind you? Unless you can, somehow, reverse whilst looking forwards.

As someone who has had a horrible time with a friendship group recently, I think you sound like a decent lovely person trying to do a nice thing for someone. However, (and I have learnt my lesson this year) not everyone is like you. Some people are just selfish, self absorbed piss takers

I was half way up the drive before she got to the van and she definitely didn’t emerge as there was nothing after the van and I would have had a clear view of her

Strange behaviour from her .. because you're all going away it will make you feel uncomfortable and awkward.
Difficult before going away together.. me tion it to cousin get some perspective off her maybe.
You could ask her at the weekend and maybe this could settle wether she goes on holiday with you or not .
Would you be comfortable saying ( did you actually hide behind a van you daft mare )

I can get the flight names changed. We would take our dc with us which I wish we’d done in the first place now!

I understand why you told her it was an unused voucher…but I think this has left you open to her being more flakey, as she will think it won’t be costing you anything if she doesn’t go

I’ve just filled my cousin in now as she was working today and she’s normally the rational one who always says I’m a bit sensitive- wish I was more like her!
Anyway, she instantly said if she’s avoiding you she most probably doesn’t want to go or can’t go.
She thinks it’s the other friend that will have to say it as one won’t go without the other and this one from this morning absolutely hates any form of confrontation etc (like me)!
Not that there would be confrontation of course but if she has to lie to get out of it her body language will give her away instantly.
I said I’ll message on the group in the next few days to confirm Saturday and I’ll know if they try and get out of that then clearly they can’t/ won’t do the holiday.
I would like to think they’d give us more notice so that we can change the names etc as that’s the decent thing to do

Yes I agree

Maybe she was in a hurry or maybe juat not in the mood to chat? No big deal! I've definitely dodged people I like and would normally talk to on an off day or if I'm time strapped.

Op if this is how you are feeling, is it worth just grasping the nettle and saying "I'm just checking it still works for you guys, as it is getting near to the time we should change the ticket names should we need to. Final call for boarding, as it were."

No need to say anything about her hiding and you suspecting they are bailing - though if that's what was going on, she might suspect you cottoned on!

I think this is upfront and gives an opportunity for everyone to have the outcome they would really prefer. Make it seem like no big deal if they have changed their mind and it might flush them out. And if they say "Oh no, we are super keen" then you can stop worrying about the dynamics.

I think either way it gets you to a landing so you don't need to be fretting in a place of ignorance. It's upfront about it all, but in a totally non-confrontational way.

Maybe she was in some kind of hurry, OP. I’ve done the ducking behind or hiding (shamefully!) to people I knew, even close relatives. At work, I deliberately take longer ways around in the open office to avoid some greetings. My reason is not dislike of any of these people they are all lovely. My reason is that I simply don’t want to get caught up in conversation. Nothing sinister or something terrible that happened. I’m sure this can’t be a unique scenario. I really would drop it.

This is absolutely what you should do. Don't hang around waiting to get upset. Find out where you stand so you can sort out what to do.

How do adults manage in the outside world when they have so many friendship dramas?

I’d message the group or her now. Don’t leave it.

What???

Well, as an introvert you probably hide from folk yourself sometimes (like I do) so you will understand yourself how it feels when you're not 'in the mood.'

Your friend may not be an introvert but we all have days when it's hard to deal with stuff, so I'd think she's just having a tough day..

The whole introvert/extrovert thing is rather a spectrum sometimes anyway, isn't it. Even though your mate is generally chatty, that can often mask how we are feeling underneath. -

• I'm a massive introvert myself but I can pull the rabbit out of the hat and chat away when I want or feel the need to.

It's a shame your other friends forgot your birthday, or didn't send you a card, but a lot of people don't send cards actually. I do sympathise because a good friend of mine never sends me anything and I got upset, so I told her, and the upshot was that she was just pretty un-together about birthdays generally. She does love me really. And now I feel much happier about it.

So it's good to air your feelings and discuss with your friends, about Hiding and Birthday Cards, preferably before it becomes a big awful issue in your mind x

I'd text her to check everything is ok for meeting up Monday and the holiday. Re cards, I'd rather not send them. We don't give cards between my adult children, but my Sister and one friend loves them, so they get a card. The card is picked up during a supermarket shop. It's more effort to put together a nice message, set a reminder and send it on the day. As for meeting up, again the birthday person might have arranged it, again no effort. So I wouldn't read into that.

@Nefrititi i don’t know why people are criticising you for doing a nice thing for your friends. My friends & I do this stuff for each other all the time. There’s been times in the past where they’ve had more money than me and kindly paid for things, and other times vice versa. I would only do this with my closest long-term friends though. Anyone else and I do think it’d make things uncomfortable. How close are you to these women? How long have you known them?

Thank you so much for this. I have known them for about 30 years on and off but v close the past 10 years x

I get that but you just pretend not to see the other person casually and carry on, you don’t stand and hide behind a van… It’s really odd behaviour.

Well I think it’s a lovely thing to do. And they should be grateful to have such a generous friend. Just don’t let them take the piss, any hint that either of them is starting to take advantage and I’d be making sure I never paid for anything for them again.

I’d send the friend a text, I just couldn’t be arsed wondering about it for days on end. I’d make it jokey and say something like “why were you hiding from me this morning you big weirdo?!” Let us know how it all pans out, whatever you decide!

It's more likely she was talking to someone else behind the van. There's no conspiracy. She was either talking to someone or answering the phone or messaging someone. It's very unlikely it's got anything to do with you. You are not the centre of anybody's world except your family.

So a little update. She txt me first thing this morning to ask how I was and was looking forward to going away 😅 so that’s answered that then but the early txt to me means she defo saw me yesterday and ducked me for whatever reason 🤷‍♀️