AIBU to buy the house I love despite my parents' concerns?

[Orangebananas]

I’m an only child of older parents, they live abroad, I live in the south of England. Not sure if it matters but I opted not to have kids and currently single! They come and stay with me maybe 3 times a year, 2 weeks on the trot before we all start hating each other.

Last year I decided I would move and finally found a house I can afford. I was really excited, it’s got buckets of character, is in the perfect location for me. It’ll need a bit of work long term but nothing I’m worried about / unprepared for.
Anyway, I went ahead and got my lawyer on it. Until my parents came to stay with me.
I set up a viewing so they could see it, my hope was that they would love it too. Instead they were horrified, my mother had not a single positive thing to say, my father literally no opinion as usual. The entire time they stayed with me I heard all their gripes, the main being the stairs were too old and narrow and that there was no downstairs loo. Now my dad is banging on about how I should compromise and buy somewhere that basically they like and inconveniences me by being out of the area I love and is practical to me.
Im trying to find solutions to the above like putting a loo in, but does this make me a dickhead if I buy it?

If they can’t handle stairs it seems unlikely they will get on a plane to stay with me anyway.
It’s driving me mad, I just want to buy the place that I love and be happy there. I can’t deal with all this nonsense and guilt. I work really hard and I don’t want to mortgage too high to get a place that has loads more space that I’ll pay to heat but never use.

Or am I being a shitty selfish only child not thinking about what they want?

It's a difficult one - in my opinion. On the surface of it, of course you should buy the house you love and your parents should not have a say in it.

However... now that I am older and physically quite frail I know that I would find it extremely difficult to visit, let alone go to stay in, a house with steep stairs and no downstairs loo. And even before I got to this stage, if I wanted my parents to come and stay and to be comfortable, I would be thinking about whether it was possible for them (or for siblings/friends with children etc.) to visit.

I was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago - I'm now NED so nothing to worry about at the moment but I have been left physically much weaker than before and when I was in the midst of treatment I could not be very far from a loo and found it very difficult to climb stairs. Plus there were lots of embarrassing noises and smells. So going to my daughter's house, where there is only one loo which was upstairs and within very easy hearing distance from the room everyone was sitting in, was practically impossible. I am not suggesting that your parents have the same issues, but they obviously have what seem to them to be very valid concerns.

Make the decision that is right for you, but think carefully about what that 'right's is before you make it.

I would put in a downstairs too anyway because I think it's good to have, but aside from that, buy the house you love!

Yes it’s kind of a battle between doing what is right for me vs them tbh because everything I have seen that I can afford has limitations and they are basically not happy with any. It would be great if I could buy a house that works for us all but sadly I’m doing it alone and in a difficult market. So my options are to either move, or stay where I am until the inevitable happens to them…that could be a decade and I would be truly priced out by then.
very glad you’re going through your recovery and keeping better. I went through this with my mother and she lived with me for treatment so totally get it.

I’m glad you said that! 😂😂😂😂

I don’t think so, I’m having an architect look this week to see about the loo but would struggle with a whole bathroom etc.

Nobody should be manipulated into living their life for their parents. @DilemmaDelilah would you not stay in a hotel or something if you couldn’t manage your child’s house? Or meet them out for a meal at a suitable restaurant?
Would you really expect your child to live in a house and an area that they didn’t much like but which suited you, for no other reason than it suited you, even if you were only there for 6 weeks or so of every year and had made no financial contribution to the home? I honestly think that’s an outrageous amount of entitlement to someone else’s life.

Thank you that’s really kind! I’ve been torturing myself with it for weeks and it’s driving me loopy. There is a part of me wondering if them moving abroad they saw it as always the ‘deal‘ that they also had somewhere here to use as they liked when they helped me with my deposit almost 20 years ago. But that was never clear to me and it’s only now that I want to move that I’m thinking perhaps that was their thinking.

I'm sorry but it sounds like you have a parent problem not a house problem. Have they always been so negative? Is this a pattern of behaviour, and is that why you all end up 'hating' one another after two weeks? How old and frail are they? If they manage 3 visits a year from abroad they can still obviously get around.

They don't have to live there, you do. Presumably it's also your money?

Yes, put in a downstairs loo if that makes it easier (personally I'd prefer to have one anyway) so you can say you've taken into account their views.

They are 80 and not frail, still very active. Hate is a strong word but I think most people struggle as an adult living with parents 24/7 - when you’re used to your own space it’s inevitable that you will grate on each other after a while!

and yes my money, if I can get a loo in I will but not sure this will make an difference as they’re so adamant it’s a terrible buy but different strokes for different folks.

Buy the house!

Don't let your parents control your life and decisions.

Choose the house that works for you.

I don't know how old you are but I assume you might want to have a partner and even a family one day so your parents can't expect to alway be your priority and assume that they will move in and you will take care of them.

It is incredibly selfish of them to think like that and not let you live your life.

They can always stay in an accessible hotel/B&B and so on when they visit and they need to stop seeing you as a free carer for the rest of their life...

You will need to work to pay your mortgage and taking care of two elderly people on your own would be a struggle anyway.

It would be great if I could buy a house that works for us all.

No. Have my full support to buy the house that suits you and you only. Your house. Your life. Your choice.

Giving you money was a kind act from parents who could afford it. In a way it suited them, gave them a chance to guiltlessly get on with their own lives. It does not give them leverage now. I don’t consider this with my AC nor should I.

There is a part of me wondering if them moving abroad they saw it as always the ‘deal‘ that they also had somewhere here to use as they liked.

That isn’t fair to you, isn’t respectful of you. Put your foot down and proceed with this property. Enjoy it to the full while they stay elsewhere when they visit. Don’t allow their age and the idea of few years left sway your decision. It isn’t selfish, it’s self-regarding.

As another poster has said, you are buying a home for you, not a holiday home for your parents.

I assume that they chose to move abroad without consulting you, so you shouldn't be guilt-tripped into buying a house that meets their needs but not your own. You have obviously fallen in love with the house, so you should definitely buy it.

First post as always

and maybe you go and visit them more

tho I bet their concern about no downstairs toilet esp if you have one now

OP, good parents would be thrilled that their only child whom lives in another country on her own, has found a property in the area that she loves and has support.
It would be a source of real joy.
I think it is very toxic that they are so focused on their needs and not celebrating your luck in finding this property.
Please buy this property and invest in therapy for your future health.
Their position on this and selfishness is unfathomable.

I’m wondering if they eventually plan to sell their house abroad and move in with OP.

I am an only child too. It can make expectations harder but you can’t make parents reasonable and at the point where they behave like this they are being awful and insensitive. It’s ok to disappoint them. It’s fine for them to be unhappy but not for them to be rude. The I love you very much but stop conversation is a good one to have. They simply dony get to make all of their choices then choices that suit them for you. It’s selfish. Tell them clearly then shut down any further conversation. It’s fine for you to be disappointed too - what a silly view point they have but we often have to have a they are doing as good as they can within their limited understanding feel to conversations with some people. They are happy to make you upset but you are very solicitous of their feelings which is a difficult imbalance - get happier with disapproval. It’s there issue not yours. Also I live in an area full of steel terraces - loads of old people in them with upstairs bathrooms. I helped a very old lady home once then watched her scamper up the stairs on her hands and feet - made me realise why we have won many old but independent types around - we have many hills too so I guess they get plenty of exercise.

Sorry on my phone but without my glasses - you get the idea!

Oh grow up!

most house built before the 90s have no downstairs loo. millions live in houses like this. Millions would also purchase one

OP has also said she might put one in.

@Holdinguphalfthesky I was just waiting for somebody to pipe up and tell me how selfish and manipulative I was!

I would not - and did not - expect my daughter to buy a house that didn't suit her - and she didn't. She lives just 5 miles away but doesn't have a car - so if we want to see her we either have to visit her or go and collect her. My other daughter lives 6 hours away and I couldn't visit her as I couldn't travel for that amount of time. It was a very difficult time for me not being able to see them very much.

I was just suggesting that the OP weighs up ALL the pros and cons, for her, before making the decision.

I feel you OP. My parents were dead set on us buying a new build, so when we bought a dated 80s place five years ago they were very vocal in their dissapointment. Vividly remember the difference between my friends DM visiting for the first time (helping me identify plants in the garden, offering up her wallpaper stripper, giving me ideas for paint colours) and my own DM, sitting in stony silence on the sofa refusing to even acknowledge the fact she was sitting in a new house. We would never dream of asking them for money or help with the house, so I have no idea why they were so set on us buying a new build. Presumably because it was what they did back in the 80s.

not having a downstairs loo is a "great inconvenience you will have to navigate"? 😁
I didn't realise I'd been living in such terrible circumstances. Might call shelter and complain!

OP I've had exactly the same thing house buying, my parents have very different ideas on what's a 'good' house compared to me. I think your house sounds amazing! Go for it! It sounds like your parents have more than enough money to stay elsewhere if they don't want to stay with you when they come to visit. Either way it's really not your problem! I imagine you haven't refused to stay with them when you visit their country because their decor isn't to your preferred taste!

Get happier with disapproval is going to really stick with me - so thank you, with or without your specs this is great food for thought and appreciate it!

There’s a couple of comments like this and I defo think there’s a theme in there, I think shiny spanking new was maybe just the done thing for this generation so they don’t understand the appeal of older properties! Yes they’re a money pit but if you’re prepared for that then it’s all just different strokes for different folks!
fully anticipate mine will be the same as yours so sorry you had to deal with that as I know how frustrating it is.

Bad parents