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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to buy the house I love despite my parents' concerns?

259 replies

Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 16:57

I’m an only child of older parents, they live abroad, I live in the south of England. Not sure if it matters but I opted not to have kids and currently single! They come and stay with me maybe 3 times a year, 2 weeks on the trot before we all start hating each other.

Last year I decided I would move and finally found a house I can afford. I was really excited, it’s got buckets of character, is in the perfect location for me. It’ll need a bit of work long term but nothing I’m worried about / unprepared for.
Anyway, I went ahead and got my lawyer on it. Until my parents came to stay with me.
I set up a viewing so they could see it, my hope was that they would love it too. Instead they were horrified, my mother had not a single positive thing to say, my father literally no opinion as usual. The entire time they stayed with me I heard all their gripes, the main being the stairs were too old and narrow and that there was no downstairs loo. Now my dad is banging on about how I should compromise and buy somewhere that basically they like and inconveniences me by being out of the area I love and is practical to me.
Im trying to find solutions to the above like putting a loo in, but does this make me a dickhead if I buy it?

If they can’t handle stairs it seems unlikely they will get on a plane to stay with me anyway.
It’s driving me mad, I just want to buy the place that I love and be happy there. I can’t deal with all this nonsense and guilt. I work really hard and I don’t want to mortgage too high to get a place that has loads more space that I’ll pay to heat but never use.

Or am I being a shitty selfish only child not thinking about what they want?

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 16/05/2026 19:25

You are buying a house for you, not for your parents. So buy the house that you love and which is right for you.

Ignore their horror. It isn't relevant.

Original poster
Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 19:26

NameChangeMay2026 · 16/05/2026 19:01

No way in hell are you being selfish. Buy the house that YOU love. Your parents are elderly and could die or become too incapacitated to travel at any moment. Listen, I speak from experience. I lived abroad for twenty years and I figured that my parents were going to die anyway and I would live much of my life without them, so there was zero point in living for them. It was a good calculation as it turned out, because my mum only lived for the first seven years of the twenty, and my dad then became very busy with new friends and a new partner, and didn't seem bothered if I was around or not.

Point being, if you organise your life around elderly parents, you might live to regret it since, frankly, they may well not have much time left. Do NOT let go of your dream house for them. It's not easy to find a house that's perfect for you.

Just remembered, I was looking at a property over three levels with lots of stairs where I was living abroad, and I got some similar push back as you. It wasn't the right property, as it happens, but there's no way I'd have let it go, had it been right. I was very aware that they were getting older, so I'd have visited them more, or they'd have had to stay in a hotel.

DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR ELDERLY PARENTS WHO WON'T BE AROUND FOR YEARS AND YEARS MORE ANYWAY!

Well this is the problem. If I wait til the inevitable happens and stay where I am, I’ll probably be priced out.
You are of course right, and looking at it now I think I’ve made a lot of choices based on them which haven’t left me feeling great. I also don’t want to end up resenting them because I’ve let this pass me by!
thank you for this!

OP posts:
TorroFerney · 16/05/2026 19:26

Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 17:14

We’ve already had that conversation - see my
other comment!
but yes I think they just don’t get the market, they haven’t bought a house in U.K. since the 80s!

Show quote history

So why was it so important to you to get their opinion?

MrsJeanLuc · 16/05/2026 19:27

Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 18:31

I have to say I’ve never thought of that either - and apparently neither had they as I grew up in a house with no downstairs loo!
If I can get one in then I totally will as it would be good but equally it’s not a deal breaker for me to go up and down ten stairs for a wee!

Show quote history

You know, it is perfectly normal in the UK not to have a downstairs toilet - I would think well less than 50% of houses here have one.

OP, I can't believe you need to ask this question. As you so rightly say, you'll be living in your house 52 weeks a year - it's madness to buy a house that doesn't suit your needs just to accommodate your parents 6 weeks a year.

Go for it, buy this house that is perfect for YOU.

Coffeeslurper · 16/05/2026 19:28

Wow, they sound entitled. They impose on you with such ease. Meddling too. As someone else said it sounds like enmeshment. Something I'm working on, myself. Once you realise you get to do whatever suits you best, & to embrace disappointing people, the world is your oyster. Put you first.

Original poster
Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 19:32

loveyouradvice · 16/05/2026 19:22

It sounds utterly gorgeous and just the kind of place I would fall in love with ... I so hope you buy it and ENJOY it!

And please don't use it as an opportunity to fall out with them... you are precious to each other... perhaps when they have left send them an email and say how much their opinion matters to you, and how you love having real time wiht them when they come and stay.... perhaps too add a couple of comments about how the market has changed, so it is rare to find something you love so much at your price range where you want it (perhaps give them a stat about prices in whichever city have gone up by x% in ?30 years, so your flat at £xx would have cost £xx then, and there isn't likely to be one that you can afford now and you've found something rare ....

And yes, I would see if you can add in a downstairs loo - showing them you care - perhaps even suggesting you go halves on it.... there's a big difference about going upstairs once a day for a shower and bed, rather than having to pop up lots for the loo at their age...And I so agree about airbnbs nearby when they are less mobile.

If you show you care about them, at the same time as explaining why you are going to buy it, they can feel loved and start to understand....

Good luck!!

Thanks so much! For me it’s perfect, I get why some people don’t like these old houses but I do! so it feels like the jackpot to find something that I can afford and is in the area I spend all my time schlepping back and forth to. I’ve hunted for two years and never found anything else I can afford without really stretching myself which worries me long term with everything always on the increase.

I have tried reasoning with them many times as you suggested and we’re now at the ‘I don’t want to talk about it anymore’ stage…sadly, I’ve stressed that I love them, want them to stay, am looking at modifications AND presented them all the numbers and it just falls on deaf ears of ‘buy something else’ so I feel I’ve been really reasonable and accommodating but they just won’t budge. But it’s me picking up the bill so I’ll do what I must and can’t live my life for them!

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 19:35

TorroFerney · 16/05/2026 19:26

So why was it so important to you to get their opinion?

Show quote history

Because I obviously care about them and expected they’d be excited for me and this next chapter.

OP posts:
BerryTwister · 16/05/2026 19:38

Some people on here are talking as if the house only has a toilet in the garden! Loads of houses don’t have a downstairs toilet. Even houses that are fairly modern.

OP your parents chose to move abroad. They chose to put themselves in a situation where they had to stay with you for weeks, rather than popping round for tea or meeting for a meal in town. That was their choice. And now this should be your choice. It’s your house, your life, and you should buy the house you want. If they care that much, they can pay to have a downstairs toilet put in.

Original poster
Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 19:38

Coffeeslurper · 16/05/2026 19:28

Wow, they sound entitled. They impose on you with such ease. Meddling too. As someone else said it sounds like enmeshment. Something I'm working on, myself. Once you realise you get to do whatever suits you best, & to embrace disappointing people, the world is your oyster. Put you first.

I’m not sure about enmeshment to be honest but you’re right there’s something there, I know a lot of only children struggle with this dynamic as parents get older and there are expectations that fall solely to you. They raised me to be super independent and I’m not one to take shit from people but there is defo an element where I am used to making some bigger life choices to not disappoint them. This is defo one of those and something I need to get over in terms of guilt and expectation for sure!

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 19:41

BerryTwister · 16/05/2026 19:38

Some people on here are talking as if the house only has a toilet in the garden! Loads of houses don’t have a downstairs toilet. Even houses that are fairly modern.

OP your parents chose to move abroad. They chose to put themselves in a situation where they had to stay with you for weeks, rather than popping round for tea or meeting for a meal in town. That was their choice. And now this should be your choice. It’s your house, your life, and you should buy the house you want. If they care that much, they can pay to have a downstairs toilet put in.

Agree, I thought it was fairly normal to have one bathroom upstairs but suppose it depends on what you’re used to!
and yes you’re right re choices, I’ve always been a little bit sad about the fact we weren’t able to have that convenience and type of relationship that comes from popping in, but that didn’t stop them so this shouldn’t stop me!

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/05/2026 19:44

I would ignore them completely. They know nothing about the UK housing market. If a downstairs loo is possible I would do that for your convenience not theirs. Good luck with your new house!

Ilovecoffeeme · 16/05/2026 19:45

Your house, your choice. They can like it or lump it.

Neveranynamesleft · 16/05/2026 19:47

Life is short. You are an adult, do whatever you want to do and makes you happy, nobody's business but yours. You cannot turn the clock back.

Feis123 · 16/05/2026 19:48

NotAtMyAge · 16/05/2026 18:45

Rickety stairs can be replaced. As for no downstairs loo, most older were built without one and fitting one in can be difficult if not impossible. Our eldest grandson has just bought his first house, typical working-class terrace built over a century ago. It has a perfectly decent upstairs bathroom, but of course no downstairs loo, and he didn't even question that before putting in his offer.

Show quote history

Yes, why not throw money at the rickety stairs if you can buy a normal house to start with? And then - any idea why is my house not selling on MN?
P.S. I was 30 years ago yesterday, but guess what, today I am 50 and life sometimes does not work out the way you plan and you remain living in the house you bought 20 years ago and count your lucky stars at the same time.

WannaSweetie · 16/05/2026 19:59

I’m an only child, I love old houses & I’ve moved 4 times to ones needing work. Every single time my parents gave me so much grief about it. I was making a mistake, how stupid I was, I must be mad, don’t want to hear how it’s going, will never visit you when you move etc etc.
I stupidly allowed them to control a lot of what I did in my life, but not house buying, I ignored their negativity & was happy & they actually liked my houses once I’d moved.
Your house will work for you, buy it 💕

NotAtMyAge · 16/05/2026 20:01

Feis123 · 16/05/2026 19:48

Yes, why not throw money at the rickety stairs if you can buy a normal house to start with? And then - any idea why is my house not selling on MN?
P.S. I was 30 years ago yesterday, but guess what, today I am 50 and life sometimes does not work out the way you plan and you remain living in the house you bought 20 years ago and count your lucky stars at the same time.

Show quote history

What is a normal house? Do tell us....

I was born in an industrial town working-class terrace, grew up in a tiny stone country cottage, married at 21 and brought our two children up in two decrepit old farmhouses DH and I did up as and when we could afford and now live in a modern house at the edge of a village, as this suits our needs in old age. None of these choices were made with our parents in mind and nor should they have been.

THIS is the house the OP has fallen in love with and wants to live in, for a number of excellent reasons. Her parents live abroad from choice, so their wishes cannot be the deciding factor.

suburberphobe · 16/05/2026 20:05

OP, please buy near your friends, lifestyle and support. This is a good buy for you and that 100% needs to be your priority.

This!

Gallusoldbesom · 16/05/2026 20:06

Feis123 · 16/05/2026 17:39

Guess what? One day you will be their age - or do you think that those old narrow stairs will have no impact on you? Just as the lack of a downstairs toilet. Unless you are doing the house up for a flip, this is a great inconvenience you will have to navigate, you must bear it in mind. But like may posters say 'sod the parents and their wisdom'. A great proverb goes 'Only fools learn from their own experience, intelligent people learn from others' experience'. Listen to your parents!
Edited to add: Yeah, by all means, listen to the randos on MN - they have your best interest at heart, unlike your nasty parents with gripes, who only wish for your downfall.

Edited

I don’t imagine the OP is planning to live there till she’s 80, most people reassess their housing situation as they age. But it sounds like the house will be v suitable for her now and she loves it and that’s what matters. Her parents don’t get a vote, it’s not their life.

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/05/2026 20:11

Pft, this house is for you to live in full time. It needs to be a house you can afford, you love, in a place you want to be.

I think its a good idea to add a downstairs loo if you can, because future proofing houses against disability is never a bad idea (and you may only be in your thirties... I was 28 when I became disabled!)... but that asides..

Your parents are being wildly unreasonable and self centred, this is about what would suit THEM, and they haven't a single consideration about what might suit you! Rude.

Benmac · 16/05/2026 20:20

You only get one life. Do what you want.

Notasbigasithink · 16/05/2026 20:22

Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 16:57

I’m an only child of older parents, they live abroad, I live in the south of England. Not sure if it matters but I opted not to have kids and currently single! They come and stay with me maybe 3 times a year, 2 weeks on the trot before we all start hating each other.

Last year I decided I would move and finally found a house I can afford. I was really excited, it’s got buckets of character, is in the perfect location for me. It’ll need a bit of work long term but nothing I’m worried about / unprepared for.
Anyway, I went ahead and got my lawyer on it. Until my parents came to stay with me.
I set up a viewing so they could see it, my hope was that they would love it too. Instead they were horrified, my mother had not a single positive thing to say, my father literally no opinion as usual. The entire time they stayed with me I heard all their gripes, the main being the stairs were too old and narrow and that there was no downstairs loo. Now my dad is banging on about how I should compromise and buy somewhere that basically they like and inconveniences me by being out of the area I love and is practical to me.
Im trying to find solutions to the above like putting a loo in, but does this make me a dickhead if I buy it?

If they can’t handle stairs it seems unlikely they will get on a plane to stay with me anyway.
It’s driving me mad, I just want to buy the place that I love and be happy there. I can’t deal with all this nonsense and guilt. I work really hard and I don’t want to mortgage too high to get a place that has loads more space that I’ll pay to heat but never use.

Or am I being a shitty selfish only child not thinking about what they want?

They are being selfish!
They are clearly using you as a free air b&b when they stay over in the UK and you've clearly put their noses out of joint!
I bet they didn't consult you when they moved abroad?!

LBFseBrom · 16/05/2026 20:24

Zov · 16/05/2026 16:59

You do what's best for you, take no notice of your parents. Your life, your money, your home. Flowers

That 100%!

If you can have a downstairs loo put in, do so, you will benefit from that too

Original poster
Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 20:25

Feis123 · 16/05/2026 19:48

Yes, why not throw money at the rickety stairs if you can buy a normal house to start with? And then - any idea why is my house not selling on MN?
P.S. I was 30 years ago yesterday, but guess what, today I am 50 and life sometimes does not work out the way you plan and you remain living in the house you bought 20 years ago and count your lucky stars at the same time.

Show quote history

I really cannot stress how bitter you sound, strongly urge you to get off mumsnet and seek help instead of arguing with strangers on the internet when you have no valuable advice to offer. I think my post was fairly clear as to my budget and what I can afford so maybe skip back if you missed that bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangebananas · 16/05/2026 20:27

WannaSweetie · 16/05/2026 19:59

I’m an only child, I love old houses & I’ve moved 4 times to ones needing work. Every single time my parents gave me so much grief about it. I was making a mistake, how stupid I was, I must be mad, don’t want to hear how it’s going, will never visit you when you move etc etc.
I stupidly allowed them to control a lot of what I did in my life, but not house buying, I ignored their negativity & was happy & they actually liked my houses once I’d moved.
Your house will work for you, buy it 💕

You get it! Exactly the same chat from mine. I’m so glad you didn’t listen and that it worked out for you and you’re happy!
Thank you for sharing this and Godspeed fellow only child - it defo ain’t easy!

OP posts:
RealReginaPhalange · 16/05/2026 20:30

you pay for it, you live in there, they only visit. Very selfish of them to comment on it the way they did.
my inlaws once were upset we were looking for a regular 5 ppl car when we needed to change. They wanted us to get big, 7 seater, huge engine-expensive to fill up and we dont have much money, only because they visit once a year for 3 weeks…

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