AIBU to buy the house I love despite my parents' concerns?

[Orangebananas]

I’m an only child of older parents, they live abroad, I live in the south of England. Not sure if it matters but I opted not to have kids and currently single! They come and stay with me maybe 3 times a year, 2 weeks on the trot before we all start hating each other.

Last year I decided I would move and finally found a house I can afford. I was really excited, it’s got buckets of character, is in the perfect location for me. It’ll need a bit of work long term but nothing I’m worried about / unprepared for.
Anyway, I went ahead and got my lawyer on it. Until my parents came to stay with me.
I set up a viewing so they could see it, my hope was that they would love it too. Instead they were horrified, my mother had not a single positive thing to say, my father literally no opinion as usual. The entire time they stayed with me I heard all their gripes, the main being the stairs were too old and narrow and that there was no downstairs loo. Now my dad is banging on about how I should compromise and buy somewhere that basically they like and inconveniences me by being out of the area I love and is practical to me.
Im trying to find solutions to the above like putting a loo in, but does this make me a dickhead if I buy it?

If they can’t handle stairs it seems unlikely they will get on a plane to stay with me anyway.
It’s driving me mad, I just want to buy the place that I love and be happy there. I can’t deal with all this nonsense and guilt. I work really hard and I don’t want to mortgage too high to get a place that has loads more space that I’ll pay to heat but never use.

Or am I being a shitty selfish only child not thinking about what they want?

Buy the house, make it yours and enjoy it. I wonder if any house would be good enough for them.
I would not tell my parents about houses I’m seriously interested in as they would inevitably find fault, whether that is a train line near by, or radon within x miles.

My Dad has never had a good word to say about my house, from the moment I drove him past it excitedly after the offer was accepted. Yet it doesn’t matter, he doesn’t live here.go with the house you love

they’re just very used to coming to stay and treating it like their own house
Well, that's very telling. The dynamic is shifting and they don't like it. You need to do what's best for you and they will either adapt or try to punish you which would be unfair. If this is the first time you've really gone against their wishes it's going to be rocky for a while but hopefully they'll come round eventually.

We fitted a loo under the stairs in an older house we lived in. If plumbing doesn't work you can fit a macerator (?) toilet.

If they're paying for it their opinion matters otherwise tell them to fuck off and when they've done that to fuck off some more.

I'm sorry, but under no circumstances should you be basing your home purchase on what works for 'all of you'.

They aren't funding the purchase and they aren't living there. The fact that the lack of toilet and narrow stairs might make it difficult for them to stay with you eventually, when they visit a few times a year, is absolutely no reason to expect you to make huge sacrifices in your daily life by buying a house that you don't want, in an area that's inconvenient for you.

It's honestly madness you're even second-guessing it and they're suggesting it. If they guilt trip you so habitually that this is even remotely an issue, then that's a big problem, which may be worth seeking support for (counselling). Buy the house, OP!

To be honest over the last couple of weeks I’ve thought quite seriously about talking to someone so think I will take the plunge just to get it off my chest! I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but as they had me late I don’t have a ton of people I know who are in this situation and have navigated the needs of elderly parents so sort of driving myself a bit mad about it!

Buy the house, the home that you can afford and makes you feel excited. Get a survey done. If your parents don’t like it then that’s too bad. They can stay in a B&B or hotel if they want to visit.
You might want to get help/ therapy with your feelings of “guilt, being a dickhead and a
shitty selfish only child not thinking about what they want”. Whoa - are you always so hard on yourself?

Go and buy your beautiful dream house!

There has to be a compromise somewhere

Ha! Yes you are probably right. I’m not always this hard on myself but it’s a big purchase so it’s just getting to me that currently it’s laced with negativity and a difficult situation to navigate.

I mean, if you bought a 1bed flat, they couldn’t stay with you either, but you would be perfectly entitled to do so. They can moan if they want, but they absolutely don’t get a say. If you were choosing between two houses you loved, one that was suitable for your parents and one not, then it would be a bit mean to choose the unsuitable one. But that isn’t your situation. Get the home you want.

I adore my parents so I’d want to make them feel cared for as they age, so I’d get a downstairs loo put in and reassure them that I can make the place comfortable for them. I’d hate to upset them, I see them getting more fragile as they age and as they lose their previous abilities or stamina, they lose confidence. Id hate to contribute in any way to them feeling more vulnerable.

I’m an only child, felt the pressure (“just advising/helping you” but it was always negative) from my parents unbearably focused and concentrated at times. They’d brought me up to be independent then when I was in my mid twenties treated me like someone half the age. I resented the change, their need, their expectations.
Follow your dream. Your dream. Not theirs. This is your life. They have their own. Go for it.

Buy it! Is there the potential to add a bedroom and bathroom (not just loo) on if you wanted to? If so then I’d tell your parents this and then run to buy your house… they will come around eventually (no pun intended).

So are their views valid? Do they have to keep on rescuing you when things go wrong?

If it all goes wrong as they will you be able to cope either emotionally or financially of you buy the wrong place?

You have perfectly articulated what’s going on in my brain and I think this is the root of my overthinking!

Hit you are being unreasonable as I scrolled down- you are NOT being unreasonable.

THEY can pay to put in a downstairs loo if they want it so badly! Get what you love/can afford.

No they’ve never ‘rescued me’ financially or otherwise, they haven’t even been in the same country for my entire adult life.

The point is really that it’s the wrong place for them, not me, thus my quandary. I can’t really imagine how it would go wrong financially or emotionally given this is the 3rd place I will have bought and have never needed them in this specific capacity before.

Your parents are being very selfish. Their needs do not trump yours. It’s concerning they’ve done such a number on you that you can’t see that.
The house sounds amazing and if your parents had your best interests at heart, as their only daughter, they should be supportive and encouraging.
They sound manipulative and controlling, and I would highly recommend you find a counsellor who is trained in narcissistic family dynamics.
I have grown up as the dutiful daughter of a narc Mum and enabling Dad, and nothing was ever right or good enough. If they can’t/won’t be supportive you need to find the strength to deal with the fallout that comes from saying no and setting boundaries.
The posters who say that you should be considering your parents needs (for their little holidays) are probably enmeshed with their own controlling parents or maybe grew up actually having genuinely kind, wonderful parents and don’t understand that some of us never had that so the same rules about reciprocity don’t apply here.
Stand your ground OP and enjoy your amazing new house!

Your life
Your happiness
Your money

Buy it

Then what is the issue just buy it

OP, I’ve read all of your posts - you’ve been looking for two years: you’ve fallen in love with this house, you’re really excited about it but your parents’ lack of enthusiasm has put a damper on it. Are you really going to accommodate them to the point of losing what is just what you want and where you want it because they would rather you lived in something different, for the sake of the six weeks a year when they are with you? Get a survey - and if it’s OK, buy the house, plan how you’ll put in a downstairs loo, and live your life for you. They will come round, if they want to stay with you! I sincerely hope it all works out for you.

You buy the house. No further discussion is needed. When your parents come to stay, if they find the stairs too much, they can stay in a hotel and visit. As for a downstairs toilet, if you can reasonably fit one, I would, as it is a useful thing to have.

@Itsseweasytotally nails it. Nothing was ever right or good enough with me too. My choices were wrong, I was naive, gullible, should listen carefully and fit in their mold.
I felt so squeezed by their “direction” (limitation), in frustration I remarked that I couldn’t learn from their mistakes, that they were going to have to stand back and watch me make mine. In fact I wasn’t making poor judgements, just ones that didn’t suit them.
I think if I hadn’t been an only child the situation would have been quite different.
The property you like will be your home, not their holiday stay. Giving more weight to their wishes will hold you back. Don’t indulge them. Above all don’t feel guilty or give it any more thought.
It will be far better for all of you if they book something where they don’t see you 24/7. They live a life in another country independently of you, without your specifications of their property. You have exactly the same right here.