AIBU to buy the house I love despite my parents' concerns?

[Orangebananas]

I’m an only child of older parents, they live abroad, I live in the south of England. Not sure if it matters but I opted not to have kids and currently single! They come and stay with me maybe 3 times a year, 2 weeks on the trot before we all start hating each other.

Last year I decided I would move and finally found a house I can afford. I was really excited, it’s got buckets of character, is in the perfect location for me. It’ll need a bit of work long term but nothing I’m worried about / unprepared for.
Anyway, I went ahead and got my lawyer on it. Until my parents came to stay with me.
I set up a viewing so they could see it, my hope was that they would love it too. Instead they were horrified, my mother had not a single positive thing to say, my father literally no opinion as usual. The entire time they stayed with me I heard all their gripes, the main being the stairs were too old and narrow and that there was no downstairs loo. Now my dad is banging on about how I should compromise and buy somewhere that basically they like and inconveniences me by being out of the area I love and is practical to me.
Im trying to find solutions to the above like putting a loo in, but does this make me a dickhead if I buy it?

If they can’t handle stairs it seems unlikely they will get on a plane to stay with me anyway.
It’s driving me mad, I just want to buy the place that I love and be happy there. I can’t deal with all this nonsense and guilt. I work really hard and I don’t want to mortgage too high to get a place that has loads more space that I’ll pay to heat but never use.

Or am I being a shitty selfish only child not thinking about what they want?

@2chocolateoranges I am a mum to 5 grown up children, who live all over the UK. Please buy the house you love, in the area you want to live in and your parents will learn to cope with it! As people have said, there are many options, hotels, AB&B, a temporary camping loo or even (as you said) buying a flat near you.
You sound very caring and committed towards your parents, but you shouldn’t put their wants above your own. This is your life and your house so go for it!

Daffs in hand made me laugh! I did wonder about the U.K. thing but they’re adamant they’re staying where they are and have care plans in place etc. I always wanted them to move back here in old age but they don’t want to so what can I do.

Kirsty Allsopp said on one of her programmes that guests can stay in a B&B down the road and we should not buy a house subject to the guests needs on the basis they are just that…GUESTS!

So could they currently manage the stairs but don't want to?

A downstairs loo is great but if they can't get upstairs to shower/bathe they still couldn't stay!

I say buy the house that you want to live in- as they probably always have done.

OP, please buy near your friends, lifestyle and support. This is a good buy for you and that 100% needs to be your priority.

Thank you that’s really kind! I think it’s maybe easier if you have siblings who can help but don’t doubt that also has complications. I think I will keep going, try and modify it if I can, offer air bnbs etc if they refuse and ultimately will go and see them if not. Just need to get my head around this change in dynamic but I think I’d be mad to pass on a place I love in this instance.

Yes currently it’s not an issue. And true, they weren’t thinking about stairs and downstairs loos when they bought their place as my grandmother had to deal with both!

I am not an only child but siblings tended to leave things up to me / not get involved . Although my parents are no longer alive , I do relate to the feeling of guilt and trying to please .

At the end of the day you will be living there up to 52 weeks of the year . Your parents won’t be . Not to be too blunt but they won’t be around for ever and it may be before then that you will have to travel to them anyway .

So whilst I think that you can do what you can to make that house more adaptable for them . A downstairs loo would no doubt add value as well . This shouldn’t be a significant factor for you . They can stay in nearby hotels / air bnbs when they visit . You could also use at least some of your annual leave to perhaps book an air bnb / cottage in the summer etc and all travel . You can usually filter on most sites for downstairs loo / accessibility .
You have to go with what works for you . Good luck and I hope you get the house and are really happy there .

Oh gosh sorry you’ve had this drama too. It’s horrible how negative they are even though I’m trying so hard to accommodate them, getting an architect and what not. I’ve explained so many times that I love having them to stay and want them to come but really have to do what’s right for me - lifestyle and financially!

Your parents can rent an Air BNB when they visit you if they don't like it and that might actually work much better all round for everyone? Some people are old house people and some people are new house, everything shiny people - you can't make yourself be something you're not. Absolutely buy the house you love, particularly if it is budget friendly. Please don't stretch yourself to please your parents. They are being unreasonable.

This is completely mad. What world do you live in where lack of a downstairs loo is something that most people worry about? The vast majority of people live in houses that are either rented so they have no real choice about toilet configuration or mortgaged to the top of their affordability where number of toilets is not a priority. I've never once rejected a place to live on the basis that there was no downstairs loo in case I broke a leg! This is peak mumsnet living in lala land territory.

I think this is the crux of it, they like the things I hate and vice versa, all a matter of personal taste! I think they’re just very used to coming to stay and treating it like their own house, so this is a shift if they really can’t / won’t make it work. Alas I’m trying my best. I’m really not comfortable with taking out a bigger mortgage and not being able to save as I’m on my own so I just have to grow a pair and do what’s right for me!

No way in hell are you being selfish. Buy the house that YOU love. Your parents are elderly and could die or become too incapacitated to travel at any moment. Listen, I speak from experience. I lived abroad for twenty years and I figured that my parents were going to die anyway and I would live much of my life without them, so there was zero point in living for them. It was a good calculation as it turned out, because my mum only lived for the first seven years of the twenty, and my dad then became very busy with new friends and a new partner, and didn't seem bothered if I was around or not.

Point being, if you organise your life around elderly parents, you might live to regret it since, frankly, they may well not have much time left. Do NOT let go of your dream house for them. It's not easy to find a house that's perfect for you.

Just remembered, I was looking at a property over three levels with lots of stairs where I was living abroad, and I got some similar push back as you. It wasn't the right property, as it happens, but there's no way I'd have let it go, had it been right. I was very aware that they were getting older, so I'd have visited them more, or they'd have had to stay in a hotel.

DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR ELDERLY PARENTS WHO WON'T BE AROUND FOR YEARS AND YEARS MORE ANYWAY!

It’s your life, and we only get one each. They’re living the way they’ve chosen to and you get to live according to your choices, too. They don’t get to make you use your life to provide things they want, that’s a very unfair and unreasonable assumption to make and pressure to bring to bear on you.

You can't please all of the people all of the time etc. You love it, you should buy it, you know the market, they don't.

Looking back I wish I hadn’t given into guilt and done the things expected of me! If I had gone my own way I would have been much happier. If in your gut this is the house for you 100% buy it. Assume you didn’t try stopping them moving abroad because it was inconvenient to you? So why should they have the right to stop you living your life your way?

I definitely think you should go ahead with the purchase, but if you are able to then get a downstairs loo put in. My best friends brother can't visit her in her house anymore, as he has a bad condition with his legs and can't manage the stairs.

OP - YANBU

Out of interest what age do stairs become an actual issue because there seems to be an implication that any retirees can't possibly be expected to walk upstairs. My friend's mum lived on her own in a narrow three storey house until her early 90s. My late lovely neighbour lived in his non-downstairs toilet Edwardian terrace until he was 91. Admittedly DM at only 80 has now moved to a flat with a lift - she has had arthritis for years and just had a knee replacement but had stairs (and walked up the very steep hill to the supermarket every day) until that point.

Hi op I get that you would want there opinion but 1 it won’t be there house 2 if they don’t like it they don’t have to stay with you and 3 you love it you like the area why let them put you off. I got my own place years ago got family opinion but like you I loved it and I could afford it. It might not be your forever home but go for it before someone else does. Op also aeroplane steps are not that great but they obviously go up them. Do it!

So pros-
handy for work,
handy for friends/hobbies,
you like the house & the place & you can afford it.

cons
your parents don't like the stairs or that there's no downstairs loo but could manage.

If the survey's OK and you've fully costed all the work that will be needed with a substantial margin for error/unexpected problems, then go for it. This absolutely needs to be a house you love, not what your parents like.

However, do give serious consideration to including the installation of a downstairs toilet in the renovations. It just improves life, especially if, for instance, you will be working from home and will have a downstairs workspace.

Get the house. They won’t be living in it. Why would it make you a dickhead because you bought a house that suits you and not people who… don’t live there?

You care about their opinions of your GROWN ADULT LIFE too much.

Buy a house that makes your heart sing.

Don't buy a house for your parents. We have adult DC; I can't imagine trying to pressure them into buying a house that suited us. There are holiday lets, hotels and B & Bs. They can use them

It sounds utterly gorgeous and just the kind of place I would fall in love with ... I so hope you buy it and ENJOY it!

And please don't use it as an opportunity to fall out with them... you are precious to each other... perhaps when they have left send them an email and say how much their opinion matters to you, and how you love having real time wiht them when they come and stay.... perhaps too add a couple of comments about how the market has changed, so it is rare to find something you love so much at your price range where you want it (perhaps give them a stat about prices in whichever city have gone up by x% in ?30 years, so your flat at £xx would have cost £xx then, and there isn't likely to be one that you can afford now and you've found something rare ....

And yes, I would see if you can add in a downstairs loo - showing them you care - perhaps even suggesting you go halves on it.... there's a big difference about going upstairs once a day for a shower and bed, rather than having to pop up lots for the loo at their age...And I so agree about airbnbs nearby when they are less mobile.

If you show you care about them, at the same time as explaining why you are going to buy it, they can feel loved and start to understand....

Good luck!!

@Mt563 I assumed people made the hotel suggestion because they wouldn’t want to be going up and down stairs in the night. Or maybe just as a “if you don’t like my house, stay elsewhere” point. When their mobility becomes so bad they can’t manage stairs at all, it’s unlikely they’ll be flying over to visit.