AIBU to buy the house I love despite my parents' concerns?

[Orangebananas]

I’m an only child of older parents, they live abroad, I live in the south of England. Not sure if it matters but I opted not to have kids and currently single! They come and stay with me maybe 3 times a year, 2 weeks on the trot before we all start hating each other.

Last year I decided I would move and finally found a house I can afford. I was really excited, it’s got buckets of character, is in the perfect location for me. It’ll need a bit of work long term but nothing I’m worried about / unprepared for.
Anyway, I went ahead and got my lawyer on it. Until my parents came to stay with me.
I set up a viewing so they could see it, my hope was that they would love it too. Instead they were horrified, my mother had not a single positive thing to say, my father literally no opinion as usual. The entire time they stayed with me I heard all their gripes, the main being the stairs were too old and narrow and that there was no downstairs loo. Now my dad is banging on about how I should compromise and buy somewhere that basically they like and inconveniences me by being out of the area I love and is practical to me.
Im trying to find solutions to the above like putting a loo in, but does this make me a dickhead if I buy it?

If they can’t handle stairs it seems unlikely they will get on a plane to stay with me anyway.
It’s driving me mad, I just want to buy the place that I love and be happy there. I can’t deal with all this nonsense and guilt. I work really hard and I don’t want to mortgage too high to get a place that has loads more space that I’ll pay to heat but never use.

Or am I being a shitty selfish only child not thinking about what they want?

Maybe they could stay with an old mate when your stairs get too much?
Hope it works out, you need to buy the home you love.

Wild! You’d think they’d be made up for you being able to do it at all!
Hope you love it and well done on making the right choice for you all!

buy it

TBH I wouldn't buy that house. If they're staying with you for 6 weeks a year I'd take their needs into account because it would be too miserable otherwise. I wouldn't let them tell me what to buy, but I would buy something that was accessible for them on visits (but not so accessible they could live with me!)

Yes this is very much how I feel about it but couldn’t quite work out if I was being a bit of a dick for thinking that way.

Absolutely not!!

How on earth are you being selfish? It's going to be your home so if you like it, that's all that matters. You parents are being selfish by expecting you to buy a house that meets their requirements rather than your own, when they won't be living there or paying for it.

Well the market is really slow right now so if you're in a good position you could wait or do lower offers, especially if it needs work

Don't discount how hard it is to get reliable trades right now and how massively the price of materials and labour is. It's absolutely crazy I had to book a plumber in 3 months in advance. Dorset here btw

So if it's a period house just be careful as they all have suffered from multiple handy andy owners so you end up undoing a lot and getting more work than you bargained for.. ask me how I know.. removed wallpaper and the whole wall came off... wiring was done by someone presumably with their eyes closed ... mold surveys the lot. And that was when workmen and HEATING! were cheaper than now 🤑

But I wouldn't be letting their opinions sway you unless it's logical and wise advice eg wiring issues or damp they can see. No downstairs loo is annoying
It sounds like they're counting on moving back in with you. In my experience brits abroad never stay abroad they always come back for care or end of life care so it's worth having a chat about that with them if not already done so

Would you be able to buy a studio to put in your garden for them to stay in that you could use as an office or sunroom when they aren’t there?

I’m an only child and I absolutely understand your reaction to their reaction. However, in your circumstances it’d be crazy to let them have this influence over where you choose to live your life. They can stay in a hotel nearby if it’s not suitable for them when they come to stay. You do not need their validation of your choice (but I totally understand how much you want/need it).

I have to say I’ve never thought of that either - and apparently neither had they as I grew up in a house with no downstairs loo!
If I can get one in then I totally will as it would be good but equally it’s not a deal breaker for me to go up and down ten stairs for a wee!

No not really! So good point. But there is always a bit of additional expectation as an only child. That said, if they wanted to they could buy a flat here so not entirely sure why I’m letting this dictate my choices so much!

My parents kind of fell out with me a bit (they live a plane ride away) when I would put grab rails in my house and a downstairs toilet so they could continue to come and stay (i was broke). They havnt come since and I have to go see them even though found lovely air b and b ground floor flats very near and offered to pay

Buy it - they'll get used to it. Frankly in today's tough economic conditions i would be super proud of an independent adult child who can afford to buy their own property.

It is completely unreasonable for your parents to try to scupper what you want to buy purely because it doesn't suit them. I've guided my children away from a couple of properties because of structural issues but recognise i have no say where they chose to live. 30 year olds and 70 yead olds don't have thd same needs so it stands to reason they don't want the same properties and it is selfish of your parents to try to scupper your plans purely to accommodate them three times a year. Good luck with your new home.

If they can't get upstairs to bed, the toilet is a more pressing issue and that is harder to get planning permission for in q separate building (basically creating a granny annex). Beside the expense!

Buy the house. Love it. But accept that your time with your parents will change. Staying in a hotel doesn't really solve the problem if they can't use a loo in your house.

This is my concern, the inevitable guilt tripping and backlash. However if I do that, I end up looking in completely different areas which take me away from my friends, what I love doing, and further from work. Or mortgaged up to the hilt and heating a house which is too big for me on my own. So it is a HUGE compromise for me which I struggle to get my head around. Basically I’m inconvenienced for 52 weeks of a year for them to have a jolly for 6 weeks of the year.

OP, do you think that your parents, living abroad and getting older are looking at your house at the inevitability of having to move back to UK and living at yours?

I was at a friend's a few weeks ago. He's moved into the attic - with a fabulous roof terrace -- lots of greenery, including Maria Juana - but I was practically crawling up to his, such steep stairs, with a bunch of daffs in my hand. LOL.

At the end of the day, it's your house and where YOU feel comfortable in.

I’ve done this before so I know what I’m getting into - it’s a labour of love but worth it for me!
Theyre not really brits abroad, they’re in the country my father grew up in.

Have they heard of hotels ? You can go to them too. All sounds as if they think you have picked somewhere on the basis that they wouldn’t want to stay and that is upsetting them.
Explain you love it. That you still want them to come. But they will have to stay elsewhere and where could that be ?

Thank you, this is a really kind message and I appreciate it! People saying ‘are you 12’ clearly don’t understand the expectation and pressure you have when you don’t have siblings. In an ideal world I’d be able to buy something that makes us all happy but hey ho I’m trying my best.

This is sort of where I feel this is heading so I just have to get my head around what that looks like I guess.

Definitely buy it.
Finding a house that feels right is so important.

My mother did exactly that - only this was after I bought it. I was so upset and angry at some of her comments - this is awful, terrible, what were you rhinking? The stairs are too steep! Why didn’t you come to us to help out etc etc - that I never invited her over again, and always went to their place instead. It was a lovely house, full of character, and I sold it for a good profit.

Rickety stairs can be replaced. As for no downstairs loo, most older were built without one and fitting one in can be difficult if not impossible. Our eldest grandson has just bought his first house, typical working-class terrace built over a century ago. It has a perfectly decent upstairs bathroom, but of course no downstairs loo, and he didn't even question that before putting in his offer.