AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

[Feel2old]

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

Indeed! There are many SPAG rules OP could turn his attention to. A far better use of his time than policing his step daughters nutritional intake and her access to washing facilities.

I cannot believe OP registered specifically to tell us what weird, controlling behaviour he is undertaking and presumably thought he get back up from here.

Teenagers push boundaries. You don't say how old the other children are, but they will all be testing you at some point. You and your wife need to learn how to discuss things without fighting/arguing in front of your children. If you can't manage that, that's on you (adults), you sound like your blaming the child because you argued. Your wife sounds passive, and you sound draconian, which isn't a good mix. It makes me wonder what other 'rules' you have in place. My parents were strict but even they weren't this bad. It's not about having no rules or children becoming feral, but there needs to be balance.

OP, you don't understand children or being part of a busy family. You're expecting the impossible and are far too controlling trying to achieve it. Do you want your way on everything? I bet you do. Couldn't live in your house with your rules.

You want peace from 8.30pm? Then go to bed yourself and let the rest of the household live normally.

At 14 yes she maybe rebelling but your rules are over the top. Children need as much autonomy as you can give them, within reason, from as young as possible. This doesn’t make them feral, it makes them confident and independent.

I was a teenager from 1971-1977, in the days when parents were generally very strict indeed (I was afraid of my mother!). But there was none of this 'being curfewed upstairs' nonsense and I could get myself a cup of tea or a snack whenever I wanted, provided I cleared up after myself.

You're far too draconian, OP - your children will not turn out feral (correct spelling) if you treat them like human beings who are actually members of the family.

so it wasn’t a post about she shouldn’t do this or she shouldn’t do that it was more of if we all know certian rules is she just doing it to get at me

The rules you have set are rediculous. Your teenager sounds like she is appropriately rebelling against them. Since you set the stupid rules, yes she's rebelling against you. She probably thinks you're a bit of a twit. She would also probably think you were a twit if you were her biological father and you imposed such pointless arbitrary authority over the household. So yes indirectly she's doing it to get at you. But you're the one that's ruining your relationship with her. Do better

Me too. Once they were teens I liked having their company later in the evenings. I’ve never been one to stay up late so by 10pm I’d most likely have gone upstairs myself and my kids never wanted to be in the front room then so it was natural for us to all go to our rooms by 10ish. It wasn’t a rule, it was just a natural timeline. There was no rule after that about going in the kitchen if they needed to (except to not bang the cupboard doors or have the oven on).

if we all know certian rules if we all know certian rules

who set the rules though? Sounds like it's not a family agreement, it's your sole decision. Even your wife is disagreeing with those rules.

Your home sounds like a prison. Kids banned from living areas in the middle of the evening, stepdad deciding each time they want a snack what and when they are allowed to eat? If they would otherwise literally eat everything, they must be terribly hungry. Growing kids eat a lot, that's normal.

Don't you all want to spend time together as a family? With all afterscool activities etc at least my kids have, some days we are barely even home by 8, would not see the kids if I sent them to their rooms at that hour.

Is this even a genuine post 😩

If I had a partner who wanted to impose these 'rules' on my dc he would be gone. I personally dont think there is much wrong in what she is doing! As long as she is considerate and cleans up after herself there is absolutely no need to deny her a snack or a cup of tea or a bath. Shes making them of her own back. It is also her home. I do believe children need rules and boundaries but what you have laid out are not rules, thats control and that is not right.

She might be doing it just to provoke you, or both of you. Teenagers like toddlers test boundaries. Like toddlers it’s best to avoid the overreaction they want, and distract them with other stuff. Perhaps a family discussion about “ rules” round everyone thinking of what works best for the whole house.

Of course sometimes they can push us too far, but where possible, pick your battles for the important stuff. Also get used to them hovering around more whilst simultaneously wanting more independence. You can’t put them to bed like you did when they were younger anymore. Finally, it’s a phase,, you will all get through it. It’s easier if you do it with humour.

She may be breaking your rules as a protest because your rules are draconian and she is too old to be treated like this. It is not her fault if you and your wife fight over it. That is probably because your wife wants her to have more freedom at 14.

If this is the worst thing your 14 year old is doing to push boundaries then you are very lucky, lighten up its a home you are running not a boarding schooll!

You sound like a bundle of laughs OP. Your children will all move out the first chance they get - and can’t say I blame them.

This behaviour is disgusting and controlling. Dont expect any of the children to keep in contact with you both once they leave

A 4 year old???

You are the problem. Hopefully your wife will leave you. You sound pretty Ferrell yourself.

I have no issue with having general rules for a family to all follow interns of showing each other consideration and respect, so I would probably say no baths after 10.30pm for example in case the noise of the running water disturbed others sleep.

But for the life of me I can’t understand why the kettle needs to be decommissioned at 8.30pm? Why does this matter to you, what am I missing?

Bring feral is sneaking out of their bedroom window in the middle of the night to go and meet boys or being told to be home by 9pm and then turning up at 11pm after not answering their phone all night or saying they’re sleeping at a friends house and then being out drinking alcohol on the streets.

Making a cup of tea at 9pm is not feral, you need to relax you’re coming off as controlling.

I think with children boundaries have to have purpose and they have to understand the reason as they grow older.

For example, if you said no bath after 9pm because the water tank was in your room making a noise and you had to be up for a 3am shift the child would see that as a reasonable request not an arbitrary rule to challenge.

Pretty soon they’ll be coming home after a night out at 1am and you’ll have spent the evening worrying if they’re ok. Things evolve constantly with children and rules have to shift and change constantly. The key is keeping it age appropriate and slowly letting things change so you’re a step ahead and they never have to challenge you.

And this is exactly why I will never make my kids live with a man that is not their dad.

I’m actually disturbed reading this. You sound so controlling and honestly this sounds abusive as many others have said already. I feel so sad for the children in your household, being forced into such regimented rules and not even allowed to make a cup of tea in the evening if they want one.

I know it's not the point, but the grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, and the use of the word "like", just got me too mad to comment.

The rules are the issue here. Not the teen. There is nothing to argue over here. Relax. Let her have the bath,the sandwich the tea. Its not that deep. Its her childhood not yours. The rules are over the top. Teens will have messy rooms. Sleep late. Stay up late. Its normal. Wanting a cup of tea is only causing an argue messy because of your attitude. Its you not her. You need to change.

I'm getting flashbacks to a friend's father who behaved this way in the '70s.

After the mother died, the elder daughter moved out and the younger girl was taken into care while she completed her Highers - she wasn't being allowed to put lights on after 9 pm.

It is her home OP.

She can't come downstairs even for a drink after 8:30pm at age 14?

There can be a point at which rules get used as a camouflage for being controlling.

To me this smacks of the girl thinking you are a control freak and standing her ground against that - especially the comments about others being able to eat when they like. I'm not saying the latter would go down in every home, but these things are cumulative, and I really do not know of 14 year olds who are not allowed downstairs in the evening.

They must feel imprisoned up there...