AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

[Feel2old]

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

Is sujest u have a conservatory or another room for a extra TV fir adults and let kids have a room 830 to be in your room at 14 years old is pure abuse, god I don't have to be in from friends houses at 14 till 9pm then bath bed, if u want space and quiet build another room in your house or go to bed at 830 yourself with a TV out way and let rest of the household be normal for god sake man if u carry on like this u will be in your own house and have kids on a weekend or maybe that would suit you?!

This is just school nights? How old are the other kids?

This might have worked when they were younger but she’s only 3-4 years from being an adult - time to start letting the older teens ‘live’ in the whole of the house before bedtime.

You sound awful.

Are you allowed a cup of tea at night?

What a miserable existence for these kids and a 14 yr old girl with no access to her mum after 8.30pm? That's the time I'd sit with my mum and watch telly and chat and talk about any worries when I was a teen, when the younger kids were in bed. You want the children to be invisible after 8.30pm ridiculous behaviour on your part. If I was your wife (not that I would ever be as it would never have gotten this far) I'd leave you for thai

You're very controlling. I'd do more than row with you if I was your wife, you'd be gone. 14 year olds shouldn't be confined to their bedrooms by 8.30 and unable to wash or even get a drink, nor should their food intake be controlled.

What everyone else said.

It’s tough as they get older and you don’t get evening time as a couple any more. But the solution is not to keep sending a 14 yr old to her room at 8.30. That’s crazy early.

I hope this is a reverse and the wife in the situation is seeing what a controlling arse you are.

It's too early for a fourteen year to go upstairs at 8.30 and bed not that long afterwards.

Rules like that are for young children.

I re a Viz comic character 'Victorian Dad'.
Seems he's been brought to life🎩

Nailed it.

Stop all of your draconian rules, you’re not running a Victorian orphanage.
No go upstairs at 8:30, go to bed at 9:30
No food, drink, bath after 8:30
These are incredibly controlling and abusive and so what if DD age 14 is defying your batshit rules? You deserve it.

DD isn’t causing rows, YOU are by using coercive control which is abuse.

Thanks for replies the post was for opinions

i certainly believe rules should be in place and that’s why many children these days are Ferrell and disrespectful however upon reading replies I have concluded I am being unreasonable so will have to look in the mirror and re consider

The arguing is on you -you could just talk about it.
I feel uncomfortable reading your post; xdp used to make similarly arbitrary 'rules' without discussing them or checking that those whom he expected to live by said rules actually consented. And if challenged -you guessed it: an argument. A grim way to live.

We do have rules now but they're discussed and agreed by all concerned:
•not allowed to disappear upstairs for the whole evening but must do some hanging out or connecting with another family member;
• If they have friends over (odd occasion), kick-out is 9.30 on a school night (so shoot me) and by arrangement on non-school nights, following check-in with visiting young person's parents;
•DC inform me of what they want to eat / snack on so I know what's being used, on the understanding that I can decline if I've plans to use it (we're an 'ingredients' house so not much to snack on anyway except for unlimited fruit);
•kitchen shuts at 10pm, and any dishes generated after washing up after dinner must be hand-washed and put away by the person who generated them; baths and showers can be taken at any time as long as the bather / showerer stays up for 20 minutes after said bath or shower to shut the bathroom window afterwards (ventillating after bath / shower is compulsory),
•DC (12 +15) sensibly create their own bedtime routine and lights-out. No problems. And crucially, if they want to come downstairs to talk to me, of course they're welcome any time, for as long a they want!

You are a bully.

Why is the rest of the family banished upstairs at 8.30 pm in their own home ?

You’ve been with your wife for 11 years, and this girl is 14, so you got together when she was only 3 years old? And she is the eldest of the four children you both already had? Doesn’t add up.

Seems made up to me, but just in case, you’re being unreasonable. Everyone in your family should be able to move freely around their own home. Preventing a child from drinking, eating or washing is abusive. You can’t shut children away when they become an inconvenience.

I'm really hoping this is a joke or an AI post. If it's real, OP, all I can say is I'm very glad you said you'd 'reconsider'.

When you have teenagers, if you want time without them, you are the one that retreats to the bedroom to get peace. You don't send them to bed like they are 6!

Your rules are ridiculous and will lead to very unhappy children and the impact of your relationship with them will be lifelong.

I don’t disagree that rules are needed and bedtimes etc are appropriate but this does feel heavy handed and quite controlling. Maybe she is ‘playing’ you a bit but that’s what teenagers do - they test boundaries. I think you need to have a chat with your wife and agree some boundaries but with some flexibility. I’m not trying to be patronising and I hope that’s seen as helpful.

Sounds like you don’t like children in general and are taking it out on your own and your partner’s kids with outrageously strict rules.

Most kids I know are decent, can only think of a handful who would be classed as habitually disrespectful, and the rare ones that could be called feral obviously have some serious issues at home… and I don’t mean parents who don’t banish them from sight at 8.30 and bans them from basics.

Why are you banning your children from having drinks from 8:30pm? Do you ban yourself from drinking after 8:30pm? You can’t put a time limit on basic needs… I also don’t understand why they have to go upstairs so early, especially as teenagers… they’re people too and you all live together… they’re not misbehaving if they come downstairs, they’re literally just existing.

Sounds like you think you're running a prison.

if this is genuine, then you are being totally unreasonable.

why does your 14 year old step daughter need to be in her room for 20:30? Why can she not have a drink or a bath after that?

Do your own bio children have to stick to your rules, or is it just your step daughter?

If you are not careful, you are potentially setting up a situation with a golden child/ children ( your bio children) and a scape goat ( your stepdaughter) situation.

If I was your wife, I would be leaving you and divorcing you over your Victorian rules around this and putting my child/ children first before you continue to inflict anymore emotional harm or damage to the poor girl.

Of course children and teens need boundaries to feel safe, but your rules are absurd bordering on abusive.

They clearly show you have zero understanding of what young people, especially teen girls need emotionally and physically growing up. Having a drink when thirsty or bathing when you need to are basic human rights!

This only makes sense if the communal areas of the house are upstairs and when the children come downstairs for a cup of tea or whatever they have to knock on your bedroom door and ask for it. In that case, yes - let them help themselves to what they need from the kitchen. Give them boundaries about what can and can't be eaten/drunk. Then if they're still coming down after their bedtimes on a regular basis, that can be dealt with by enforcing the actual bedtimes, not an artificial "upstairs" time. Yes, you and your wife need some time alone together but every night when there are preteens and young teens in the house is unrealistic. Maybe set aside a weekly "date night" where the kids do their own thing and you do yours, but not every night!

Also, even if the 14yo is testing boundaries or protesting your rules, she isn't doing it to make you and your wife row as there's not really anything to row about.

I get you want an evening and time to chill. My friend is the same - mum to 3 teens - but 830 is early

I don’t see the harm in her or the others making a cuppa or a sarnie as long as tidy up any mess

same with having a relaxing bath or shower

but good you reliese may have been a little strict

This post is a wind up! Ferrell 😂