AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

[Feel2old]

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

im currently dealing with hrt-related unexpected flooding. I’m trying to imagine having to ask permission for a shower to deal with that. And being miscalled on the internet if I didn’t.

My DC is 14. She will have a shower at 9pm, come down for snacks at 8.45pm and its a bit annoying but she’s not doing anything wrong…. Once they are teens you can’t be as harsh. I realised that she was doing those things at those times because she’s revising hard for her GCSE mocks too. So Im not getting on her case about a 9pm shower or bath!
I do have a rule when dh goes out that I like them to be in their rooms from 8pm but purely for me to have me time. I’ve started just taking a hot drink to bed instead as that gets me more peace 🤣
You sound very inflexible and this is not a hill to die on 🤣

Op this is bordering on coercive control!!
put your self in therapy to work out your issues before your wife leaves you or you end up in trouble with the law.
it’s not just your home is the kids home too.
you really need to listen to what you have been told on here.
and you couldn’t be more wrong with your outdated rules about kids being feral.
my children have no set rules as such, my 15 year old plays grass roots sports and can sometimes not get in till 8.30. He’s allowed to come in and wind down then get a bath, he’s not feral in any way at all!
how would you feel if your wife banished you to your bedroom.
seriously, get some therapy asap!!!

This. Add in not speaking to her mom because she's brought someone so oppressive and harsh into their home.

Are you trying to get them to leave the minute they can? Or move in with friends because of your insanely controlling rules around their hygiene and food and not being allowed to spend time with their mom in the evening?

Rules set sensible boundaries. Your children are getting older and it is clear that boundaries need to change to suit each child. Individual rules for each child.

General rules I agree with are ..

Phones down stairs time
Homework started/completed
No eating after set time
Dirty clothes in laundry
Chores each day
In bed by
Lights out
Good manners and respect for others
Breakfast over by
Ready for school by

Discuss and revisit rules as a family.
You and your wife agree.
Both then hold strong and stand together so kids won't take the mickey.

14!!!
ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️
get a grip here!!!!!!
that’s ridiculous to want to confine her to her room!!

Are you running a Prison or are you all supposed to live at home? Sounds more like a prison to me with rules and regulations! At 14 all normal children are pushing boundaries and should be doing so. How else are they going to cope in the wide world?

My DH says "Rules and regulations are for the guidance of the wise and slavish obedience of fools".

OP, how would you like to be told you couldn't have a drink after a certain time? Or have a bath/shower if you felt mucky? Or not be able to eat if you are peckish? Can you not imagine how soul destroying it is that ordinary activities are being policed?
FWIW, my DH had a father like you. He was also mean with money. And not a happy person. If he wasn't in control, he was angry. My DH despised him.

But you would have had rules, unspoken rules of eg consideration for other family members, respecting privacy and possessions, helpful out if needed. That’s what helps children develop. That’s what’s lacking in the OP’s household.

So household rules? You don't get a drink or wash after 8.30pm yourself?

Ridiculous rule and beyond controlling.

She's not doing anything on purpose tp make you and your wife argue, you're being a prat and your wife knows it.

Er, yeah, she probably is deliberately challenging your “rules”. Because they are preposterous. I suggest you access some therapy and try to unclench, because living under your boot sounds intolerable.

What the hell is wrong with you???? This sounds awful for those poor children.

We know that my nearly 14 year old DD needs are very different to when she was 8 years old. Your 14 step DD sleep/wake cycle has probably shifted so she may be doing things later compared to her younger siblings. I talk to my DD how it can be managed rather than have a battle. If your DD can't leave her bedroom at 8:30pm, what time does she start her own night routine bath/shower, etc? If it is around the 7ish mark, it's far too early. For context, My DD plays netball once a week 7-9pm so it would never fit her routine. I would personally cut her a bit of slack and enable her to have some control. Your step DD is at an age to have awareness what is reasonable and what is not. Quietly getting a drink and snack, having a bath and having a chat to you and her mum at around 9pm is not unreasonable. What would be unreasonable is that she is blasting her music and shouting at you both.

You are being extremely weird.

Generally people should follow the rules of their home but there's a difference between rules that are for the good of all and rules that are being set by one person in order to try and control the world around them and it make tolerable just for them. At 14 your stepdaughter should be testing and pushing at rules and you should be open for debate and change, what you absolutely do not want is her going out into the world as a grown up thinking that she absolutely has to do whatever the person she lives with wants. This is a recipe for accepting all sorts of abuse.

OP, if you are a person who cannot relax around certain noises (kettle going off, people rustling around the kitchen, noise of water or the shower, the smell of food etc.) I hate to tell you this but your coping mechanisms are about to fail you hugely, all your kids will be teenagers, all your kids are going to want more freedom and to exist past 9.30. You need to unpick how much of the 'rules' are for your benefit so that you can keep yourself feeling ok and how much are actually for the good of the family. And you need to find yourself a new way to cope

This. You're being an absolute dick to her. She's 14, not 4.

Yes but they weren’t ‘house rules’. They were behaviours like good manners, respect from each of us to the other. They were absorbed like osmosis, not by me throwing my weight around. There’s a difference between raising your children to hopefully be good people, and having a list of rigid house rules that end up causing power battles. And it worked. My kids are great. I love their company, we treat each other kindly, they’re not part of the manosphere, they’re not laddish (they’re adult now), they’re really good, decent young men, so I know I did my parenting right (and all as a single parent).

Wow !!!
totally shocked to hear your reign of control in this household OP !!!

you need to change your rules to some guidelines-

your family live in their home, not your prison or factory …..

you going to put swipe card points round the house ??? Programme times when the door releases ???

my dogs have more freedom than your kids …. Crazy !

Well aren't you the controlling fucker! What you describe is bordering on coercive control and abuse. You argue with your wife when your step daughter comes downstairs? Is that because she doesn't mind and tells you so. Not only are you controlling of your kids but of your wife too. You need to take a good look at yourself.

Your rules are draconian and ridiculous. If you must have rules like this when they are little, when they move to secondary school is probably the time to relax them. Expecting everyone to be upstairs by 8.30 and in their own rooms by 9.30 (and your 14 yo not being allowed to bath/shower at 9pm) is bonkers.

I never expected my DS to stay upstairs by a certain time once he got to secondary. Prior to that he was allowed up a bit later on weekends. We aimed for 9pm on school nights and lights out by 10pm but if he wanted food and drink he was allowed and the older he got the harder this was as teenagers body clocks go a bit haywire so they struggle to get to sleep/get up.

By the time he was 14, I had measures in place so the internet went off at midnight. Often he was up later than me.

My now 19 yo is a lovely young adult (currently at uni and doing well). He has never been ferel! I have always found him good company and didn't want him out of the way which is what you seem to want. This is your kids home too.

If I knew who you were, I'd report you to social care and the police. Just in case this is real.

That's like living in a bloody dictatorship. I can't imagine telling my guys they dare not go downstairs after 8.30pm, make a hot drink or have a bath. Such a bizarre controlling behaviour. Soon enough they will want to escape from this suffocating tyranny.
You want them out of your way for your own convenience.

You seem to believe it’s your house, you're the one who makes the rules, and your wife and children are only there on your sufferance, and only as long as they all follow your rules.

It's supposed to be their home too. But I expect the children will all leave "home" as soon as they can.

Did you have a difficult childhood yourself, OP? I’m wondering what has made you into this irrational, dictatorial person who feels the need to control everyone else.

Yes, I think Stalin the OP will be wondering in a decade why all the children fucked off as soon as they could and never visit.

I agree with your wife here.expecting a teenager to have nothing to drink and sit in her room from 8.30 every night is ridiculous. Your stepdaughter is 14 not fucking 4. Do you really expect a 14year old girl to be told she can't have a bath after 9pm? What if her period comes in the middle of the night and she wants a wash are you gonna tell her "sorry it's after 9pm now you can stay covered in your period blood til the morning" na fuck off you're being a dickhead to her. Your wife needs to put her foot down here and tell you straight that your rules for these teenagers is nothing short of ridiculous, they're soon gonna up and leave home and go no contact with this narcissistic behaviour going on

And I thought my mum was mean at 14 having to be home at 9 and from 15 had to be home by 10. 😂😂😂No restrictions on when I could get a drink or snack or have a bath or shower. As long as I went up when she did what’s the issue?