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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

318 replies

Feel2old · 15/05/2026 23:23

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

OP posts:
SwirlingAroundSleep · 16/05/2026 08:29

My 14 year old is in her room by 8:30-9:00 and that was always my parents rule too. The exception is that Saturday is her late night where she gets to choose a film/tv show or something else and we stay up late doing that. She gets week days in the holidays too but it’s not every night. I don’t think we’re draconian or evil but neither would we tell her she can’t shower after 8:30 and she does pop out of her room and downstairs to ask us things. Our rule is based around her relaxing and going to bed at a sensible time, not staying up watching screens, if she comes downstairs to chat about something we don’t mind.

with regards to food we also don’t allow a free for all but certain snacks (e.g. fruit) should be fine. If it’s a big issue maybe try what we do with our younger kids which is that they each have a snack box in the holidays (it’s healthy stuff btw) which they know they can take from anytime and it stops them asking constantly and irritating us.

Mischance · 16/05/2026 08:29

You are a control freak. Let these poor children relax in their own home.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 16/05/2026 08:32

Could you actively encourage them
all downstairs to be with you (play a game, watch a film) at times and make them
feel like you want to hang together. We do the opposite here. I don’t want kids in their rooms on gadgets, I like us together downstairs, fire on, chatting and having a laugh.

Pipsquiggle · 16/05/2026 08:32

@Feel2old
EVERY 14 year old will push boundaries. It's called growing up.
You sound very rigid and unyielding
I have a 14 year old. He's a good kid. Does well at school, participates and tries hard. So when he questions rules, I do question myself as he is growing up and needs a bit more freedom.
There are a few rules I will stick to:
No eating just before bed or any caffeinated/ sugary drinks.
No bringing clothes down at 9pm saying they need it washed for tomorrow (this really triggers me)
He can eat fruit and veg whenever he likes.

Is your SD generally a good kid? If so you need to lighten up... A lot.

seventeenofsumday · 16/05/2026 08:34

You sound awful op. Sounds like a military camp not a home!!!

ForeverTheOptomist · 16/05/2026 08:36

Firstly, I must admit that it was difficult to understand all that you said in your post. Perhaps you could try using some punctuation and the correct grammar in future as has been pointed out by other posters. From what I can gather though, you could possibly have written the issue in a few lines rather than what felt to be several eons of waffle This is not a dig, but if you want constructive comments you need to write constructive and literate posts.

As it is, I believe that your 14 year old is bordering on adulthood. She should be treated as such and not be treated in the same was as her younger sibs. Perhaps the three of you (you, your wife, the daughter) could sit down together and talk it through, hopefully finding an arrangement that suits you all. Treating her like a child is going to push her away.

Pricelessadvice · 16/05/2026 08:36

A 14 year old shouldn’t be sent upstairs at 8.30 and told she needs to ask for a cup of tea! A 14 year old is capable of making their own tea and she should be able to make that cup of tea in the middle of the night if she wants one, provided she doesn’t wake the family up.

You are treating her like a toddler.

Mischance · 16/05/2026 08:36

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 16/05/2026 08:32

Could you actively encourage them
all downstairs to be with you (play a game, watch a film) at times and make them
feel like you want to hang together. We do the opposite here. I don’t want kids in their rooms on gadgets, I like us together downstairs, fire on, chatting and having a laugh.

Edited

This precisely.
This is their home where you share your lives together.
By all means make rules about important things, but it sounds as though you just make rules for the sake of it and do not consider that it is their home too and they need to be able to relax.... and feel welcome!
If you don't loosen up you are going to have a seriously unhappy home when true teenage rebellion sets in!

Namechangeforthisdilemma1 · 16/05/2026 08:37

Feel2old · 16/05/2026 00:15

Thanks for replies the post was for opinions

i certainly believe rules should be in place and that’s why many children these days are Ferrell and disrespectful however upon reading replies I have concluded I am being unreasonable so will have to look in the mirror and re consider

Rules yes.

But you adapt as they get older.

I think a 14 year old can have a later bedtime than the younger ones though, you have to be flexible as they get older! My 9 year old has a different bedtime rule to my 4 year old, it’s pure common sense.

You’re also totally overruling your wife’s opinion in all of this, and sound very controlling. Maybe seek some therapy for yourself to explore that.

sofreaaa · 16/05/2026 08:37

You and your wife julie decide to force your children into an unconventional blended family set up and then you force them to obey rigid rules within this unconventional lifestyle.
Odd.

Thetimeshop · 16/05/2026 08:38

CoyGoldenKoi · 15/05/2026 23:40

This is nuts, and extremely and unreasonably controlling.

At 14 she should be being given way more freedom. The aim of good parenting is to grow them up into competent adults who can regulate themselves. If they're all hedged about with rules like this, how will they ever learn to manage themselves?

Your rules are suitable for an 8 year old, max. After that, it's still too early, too harsh and too inflexible.

Yes, they should be allowed to make themselves food and drink pretty much whenever (but not necessarily WHATever) they like. You have a conversation with them about reasonable things, so not eating food that is planned for a family meal, or not all of the snacks, just a reasonable amount, or whatever.

You and your wife are presumably fighting, not because of your children (don't blame it on them!), but because of the extreme and unreasonable rigidity you're trying to impose on them, and her having a more reasonable view.

If you love your family, this is not a reasonable way to be. Look inside yourself, is this from your own childhood and your parents were unreasonably strict? Where is this need to control coming from? And how do you work on it to relax and let all the members of your family feel safe and relaxed in their own home? Because you're not allowing that at the moment.

Along with all the other posters here, I believe it's you who needs to change on this.

This.
OP in two years time she'll be able to leave the country or get a job or date freely and have etc etc etc. At the moment she's got rules to live by that sound more like those a very young child might suit, or an army training camp!

Are you of the extreme religion type? I know a girl who grew up in a cult-like community. She had rules like this. Needless to say, she's paid a fortune in therapy as an adult and still struggles with her identity and 'norms' and is very meek and easily walked over.

You're not allowing your stepdaughter to develop properly.

StillsadstillHealing · 16/05/2026 08:39

My DP has his dd once a month for the weekend , since she was 12 she has spent evenings with us and we watch a film, have snacks etc you should include your DSD with your routine it’s good to have that connection and spend quality time together

Totaldramallama · 16/05/2026 08:40

The problem here is your pointless rules. That is the only problem. If a teenage getting a cup of tea at 9pm is causing you to argue with your wife, you are the problem

ImInTheCooler · 16/05/2026 08:43

'I make judgement on whether they can have it?'
who the fuck are you to make judgements on when a teenage girl can eat and drink. You're not even their dad? You are abusive and a control freak. Who the fuck do you think you are?

Ophir · 16/05/2026 08:43

YABVU and weird af

If you really do think these things then I’d consider moving out before you traumatise these dc more

Suggesting that a 14 year old is doing perfectly normal things “to get at you” is not normal

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 16/05/2026 08:45

Why are you dictating when a 14 year old can eat and wash? That's really weird. Why shouldn't she make a cup of tea in her own home when she wants to? You're very controlling.

Geminispark · 16/05/2026 08:45

How awful I bet she can’t wait to leave home. My 12 and 14 year old stay up with me chatting, drinking tea, watching tv and we all go to bed at 10ish.

ThisOneLife · 16/05/2026 08:45

Feel2old · 16/05/2026 00:15

Thanks for replies the post was for opinions

i certainly believe rules should be in place and that’s why many children these days are Ferrell and disrespectful however upon reading replies I have concluded I am being unreasonable so will have to look in the mirror and re consider

The word is feral
Ferrell is the name of a Hollywood actor.
Also, it’s “their” bottles, not “there”, there refers to a place.

I’m alerting you to this as you clearly like adherence to rules.

BudgetBuster · 16/05/2026 08:47

sofreaaa · 16/05/2026 08:37

You and your wife julie decide to force your children into an unconventional blended family set up and then you force them to obey rigid rules within this unconventional lifestyle.
Odd.

But at least they won't be feral 🙄

Wordsmithery · 16/05/2026 08:50

What concerns me here is that you've automatically assumed that she's doing this to cause arguments between you and your wife. Are there other indicators she wants to cause trouble between you?
Far more likely she's pushing boundaries because your rules are quite honestly ridiculous. They're the sort of thing I'd expect in an old fashioned boarding house not in a loving family home.
And depriving growing kids of food?
It all sounds like you've stepped out of the 18th century.

Starfish1021 · 16/05/2026 08:50

Honestly, this is one of the saddest things I've read in a while. You are an adult, she is a teenager figuring out herself, she isn't making you fight, you are doing that all by yourself with your unreasonable behaviour. As many have already pointed out you come across as controlling and abusive. I would think about getting some therapy to understand why you behaviour this way.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 16/05/2026 08:52

What a lonely and disconnected household.

millmoo · 16/05/2026 08:56

I think this is a wind up. Are you bored OP and just looking for a reaction?

DashItAll · 16/05/2026 09:01

You sound incredibly controlling. The household sounds very rigid and not a fun place to be. The rules are ridiculous. Good on your stepdaughter for pushing against them.
I'm in my 50s now, but when I was 15 we moved in to live with my stepdad. He also had rules: limited time in the bathroom, must leave everything just so, etc. I wasn't a bad child by any stretch so it was all unnecessary and I couldn't wait to leave, which I did when I was 16. Maybe that's your plan - to make home life so miserable that all the children leave at the earliest possible chance they get?

SignGrudgeBluebook · 16/05/2026 09:09

At 14, your SD will be seeing how her friends households are run and want that for herself (good and bad).

You have to be far more relaxed about everything and then the DC will be too.

The dynamic between you and your DW will be having a far greater effect on them than you realise. All discussions of, even a slightly heated nature, to be done outside of the home.