AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

[Feel2old]

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

You are a man so you have an innate desire for control and being obeyed . Try to let go of that, it doesn't work in this day and age. I don't think those rules should apply to her because shes old enough notto take care of herself to an extent.

Did you have such rule as a child? Where do they come from? Its ridiculous to send children away at 8.30 and not allow them to come downstairs.

At 14 I had no bed time fir my dc as long as they were quiet and didn't disturb those who wanted to sleep. Your rules seems quite odd fashioned OP , so expect the kick back.

This is crazy. I’m afraid it’s you causing the problems

Why do you think people should not have a hot drink after 8.30? Or have a bath? Its a perfectly normal thing to do. You need to look into why does it bother you.

As a now adult with parents who insisted on this type of ‘shit’ /level of control, this will end sadly for you.
i haven’t spoken with my mother for 12 years and my father died alone after estrangement.
your responsibility is to raise free thinking, confident, empathetic, generous and kind members of this world. You’re setting them up to question themselves at every corner and filling them with self doubt. Can I/should I do this? There’s no instructions /rules … what do I do?
stop it. Lay off the strict bedroom/eating/drinking rules.
This is their home too. It should be a welcoming safe place.
If you want space, then go find it, stop banishing them out of your way.
i wonder how your wife truely feels about this set up

Do you really want your children to hate you, because they will.

What is wrong with you? It's all so controlling and sounds like coercive abuse to me. No wonder your step daughter is challenging you and wondering why her mother is allowing a bully to dictate lives.
If I was her I would move out at the first chance I got. You are showing her a poor example of male behaviour as well as a very bad role model as a 'father'. She is rebelling [any sane person would] but she has more awareness and common sense than you have. Your poor wife.

Change those rules according to age . At 14 they agouro be able to ilude the bathroom and have a snack .
you are imposing to much , they will fail as their needs change as they grow . My 10 year old goes to bed at 10 but if she often takes longer to fall asleep .

Rules and boundaries are fine.

Trying to apply ridiculous rules designed for your convenience rather than any sensible reason will fail - she's not 'getting at you' she's just struggling to fit into rules that make no bloody sense.

You are very controlling. But I doubt you'll change your ways to adapt now the children are teenagers. I would have hated to live in a house like this with a stepdad as controlling, rigid and regimented.

Who says the poster is a man? For all we know this poster could be female and have a civil partnership marriage with a woman

Rules should definitely be set. But come on your stepdaughter is 14. Is it really necessary to tell her she can't have a bath after 9pm? Is it fair to say they can't have hot drinks past 8.30pm?I bet you have a cuppa past 8.30pm. I can tell you now my kids at home ages 16, 12 and 10 have rules. The younger two go to bed at 9pm. The 16year old has baths whenever he wants and can have a cuppa past 8.30 if he wants. My kids aren't feral. They know rules and boundaries and they know not to take the piss.

Why is there a rule for no hot drinks after 8:30? I don’t understand why this would even be put in place

And what kind of things is she saying/doing that triggers debate or arguments with your wife?

Please educate yourself Feel2old in this subject and others - the word you wanted to use isn't 'Ferrell'...it's 'feral'.

Your 'parenting' is likely to cause a damaged personality, at the least an unsure/angry/resentful/rebellious person not a feral child.

If you have such standards where you describe others as feral, at least learn to spell it before you climb up on that high horse of yours

I can’t imagine telling my 14 year old she couldn’t have a cup of tea or a hot bath at 9pm.

Those are rules for the sake of rules.

Don’t eat the pack up food. Good rule.
Being out curfew. Good rule.

Some weird cut off for hot drinks is just pure dictatorship.

Is she allowed a hot water bottle at 9pm for period cramps and some ibuprofen or is that also cut off at a strict time? Oh sorry you came on at 10pm unexpectedly no drink and wash for you wait till the morning 😩 rules are rules!!!

Time for the abusive OP to remove themselves from the prison/home.

Bye bye OP!

"I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife."

It could be her rebelling against your rules. Not to cause trouble between you and your wife. Just to say, she thinks your rules are stupid and arbitrary and she hates them.

Tbf the OPs wife can't be that great either if she's letting the kids "obey" his stupid rules. Although in fairness, she's also probably banished upstairs by 8.30pm too 🙄

Your wife is arguing with you because she realises how capricious and controlling your rules are OP.

It is your rules, not the dc, causing arguments.

At this rate, you will destroy two relationships.

Definitely testing boundaries if I'm being generous, and trying to cause trouble if I'm being less diplomatic.

I had an 8:30 bedtime when I was under 10 years old. At 14 I didn't have one. And I haven't turned out FERRAL. I'm amazed at your rules

Too many rules just for rules sake here. You like things to be ordered, but people shouldn't have to live unneccesarily restricted lives to make you feel OK. You say rules are set together, but if that were true your wife wouldn't be arguing with you about them all the time would she? She does not believe in the rules. I thought you were going to say there was a rule to be home by 10pm but SD was staying out. Cups of teas, food when people are hungry, and baths are all such weird things to have rules about. You need to think about why you need these rules, what worries or anxiety they reduce in you, and find ways to challenge your own negative feelings in ways that don't impact others.

She is not challenges your rules just for the sake of it. She is trying to live a normal life.
Its you causing the arguments with your wife.

Have a think why do you need to impose these rules? Get therapy to help with this. Quick.