AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

[Feel2old]

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

I really hope the op poster of this has absolutely took on board the comments and that he has been shocked to the core enough to absorb what has been said, he will and for sure lose his connection with his family if not and damage at 14 may have already been done if you love your kids as you say you do please seek counselling help as you really do need it sorry

Wow. Your follow up comments just compound my concerns.

“I have also told my wife that rules can be set by her”

Do you honestly believe you are the person who gets to decide who makes the rules? Do you think you and your wife are not equal?

”if they have hot drink no later then 8.30 that should be for all again”

Why? Why this pointless rule? Im not sure you’ve grasped this yet but a 14 year old has very different needs to an eg 12 year old.

“I’m telling myself other things are being done on purpose”

It seems you need to take a long look at yourself. Can’t you see it - you are the problem. You don’t seem to understand children or child development. You don’t seem to understand family dynamics. You believe every action by others to be directed at you. What does this stem from? Your 14 year old is trying to mature into a young adult and make choices. There’s a high possibility her choices are far better and more balanced than yours. You need to listen to her.

My children tell me all the time about their peers - the ones with incredibly strict parents - who are behaving abominably and getting into trouble. Because the minute they are out of their stifling family home, they go wild.

Also, why all the shouty capitals?

You come across generally as quite bossy.

⬆️ this. As so often happens on here, first post nails it.

i do believe in rules more then my wife but I’m happy for her to set it I just like to know what’s going on..

You're not happy though. Your wife has suggested that there should be flexibility and the 'rule' should be that the 14yo is allowed to make tea when she wants. But you didn't like that. Your way or the highway.

If you say you just want some kind of a rule, count how many hours of sleep kids need, depending on their wake up time. And make a rule that they need to be in bed by that time, otherwise can adjust their own schedule.

Are you allowed a drink or a bath after 8:30pm? Of course you are.

ds best friend has a step dad with similar rules. The poor lad has had to move home for a bit after his masters.

He’s 23 and isn’t allowed to use the toilet after 9pm. He’s counting down the days until his job starts and he can move out.

The bizarrely strict and seemingly arbitrary rules risk the kids rebelling in a major way. Pick your battles, don’t sweat the small stuff.

I hope on the last day he does a post 9 pm poo on the carpet.

This is what it comes down to op.

Rules about bedtime based on how much sleep they need: yes, responsible rule as part of responsible parenting.

Rules about coming downstairs in their own home after 8:3opm: no, controlling behaviour because you actually can't be arsed parenting.

is she just doing it to get at me

That is an extraordinary line of thought on your part.
Not everything is about you.

I suggest you read some books on teenage development.
Teenagers are notorious for challenging authority and rules, from anyone and everywhere. It is what they do.

They also eat HUGE amounts (especially boys) because biologically they need to, especially if they are getting a healthy amount of exercise, so be prepared to increase your food bills and drop all rules about when and how much they can eat. Give them free access to the cupboards and fridge, at any time of day or night, as long as they clean up after themselves.
They should also cook family meals on a rota. Learning to cook for the family is an essential life skill.

I haven't RTFT, just your replies and I don't think that you really like your eldest daughter very much OP.
If you carry on as you are and you will become a fully fledged DOMESTIC TYRANT. 😡

This post sounds like rage bait, but made me feel very sad for your eldest daughter. 😔

When we were growing up, our elder brother had a whole half an hour extra before his bedtime as he was 3 years older. Why has she not got extra time for being the oldest? 🤔

A few things you said struck me;

usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.
What ages are the children?
Is the 14 year old expected to go to bed at the same time, as say, an 8 year old? 🤔

I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm.
Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances.
Why this specific time? What are the different circumstances? 🤷‍♀️

our oldest will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife.
She may have genuinely forgot the time. Why does she have to ASK for a tea? Can't she be shown how to make her own cup? ☕️

I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things.
WRONG. Your daughter may have been in school all day, then clubs/meeting pals, homework and having her evening meal. 😬

she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.
is this for real?
You said now look at the upcoming days she will do things, and then she asked for a sandwich?
You are setting her up to fail, that girl cannot win!
Do you enjoy feeling like you have been proved right? 🫩

my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath.
and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree.
Your wife is correct. You don't disagree, but feel like she does these things on purpose? So you want to have it both ways, to prove yourself as right. 😒

my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case.
just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
Ahh so IT IS definitely your oldest that you have the problem with, as all the other children are not bothering you and follow the draconian rules to the letter?
Maybe it's because they fear you after hearing you then argue after witnessing their older sisters normal actions.
😠

They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
You make judgement? Wow the choice of your language is VERY telling in this OP.
You sound like very very hard work to live with. 🫩

I will put a scenario to you and see how it would go in YOUR house.
Young girl aged 14, goes for a wee and suddenly without warning, finds that she's came on a very heavy period at 9pm. Its everywhere, she becomes ravenous and it hurts, A LOT.
But because it is past her 8:30pm (kitchen's now closed as is the downstairs area) cut off time, she thinks nope, I will have to crack on.
No bath - which would clean her up
No food - which would make her feel better.
No cuppa tea - which would soothe her.

Would this scenario fall under your comment of Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances.
then OP?
Would this poor girl have to explain to her draconian stepdad (you) that she is on a heavy period and that is why she would like to be permitted to go downstairs for food and a hot drink, then she must await your judgement and final decision on the matter?

Nope OP, I believe YABU and it is disgraceful.
You sound like A DICTATOR in your own home. 👿

My father was actually strict, we had a rule of - in bedroom by 9 and lights out by 10pm on a school night as 14 year olds.
But during the weekend, it was fun and a bit more relaxed.
But even my old dad would say, this house is a democracy and not a dictatorship and the rules are flexible, and he was from.the generation of 'kids are seen and not heard' and was born the year after WW2 ended!
Yet he sounds more easy going than you! 😨
He certainly didn't have rules around food, and would make sure we had lots of food in the cupboards, as he grew up starving poor, and knew that teens could eat forever!

It sounds like you want down time in the evening. But you are going the complete wrong way about it.
This vibe of my rules and my judgement - is draconian at best and abusive at worst.
You need a man cave in the attic/garage or a shed /cabin in the garden, where you can go to decompress. Or better yet get an hour in your own bedroom.
You need to re-look at these rules and massively lighten up!
Your children are not robots, but individual people who need their own individual bed times and a bit more freedom. 🙄

ETA: Is this your step daughter OP?
I wonder if you would be a lot more accommodating if she was actually your bio daughter.
I feel so sorry for your poor wife. I don't know how she's stayed so long.
She is basically a referee in her own home.
Her poor daughter will end up hating you and will leave home early - unless that is the outcome that you desire? 🤨
After reading this OP it wouldn't surprise me in the least. @Feel2old

Who died and made you King/Queen of absolutely fucking everything?

The most unpleasant bit of all this is the, "they have to beg for food while I pontifcate and mull over whether to grant them a morsel."

This way eating disorders abound.

I've got teen girls and they are not feral nor disrespectful. They are absolutely fabulous and work hard at school, help at home and are funny, kind and interesting. They also get to choose what and when they eat, drink and wash. They have freedom to move around the house at will and to spend time up or downstairs in the evening. Contrary to you I ask that if they are awake and wanting to watch screens that they do that downstairs with us and that they don't isolate themselves in their rooms with their phones for hours.

We dont have set rules about timings and zoning. We have more general guiding principles over tidying up after yourself, thinking of others (not using all the milk and not making noise if others are in bed), and taking responsibility for looking after yourself physically ie getting enough sleep and eating well.

You are being massively unreasonable. 9pm bedtime at 14 is insane. Why are they banished from family spaces? Why dont you like them? Children's circadian rhythm isnt the same as adults and they quite often seek company and to download thier day at you when you prefer to be in bed because that wen they wake up. You sound strict mean and unreasonable

@Feel2old
I totally agree with Pinkissmart, none alcoholic drinks should never be denied, but I am adding to that 'whatever the time, and whatever their age'.

However, that doesn't mean that they should be allowed a soda at that time in the evening, but water, one glass of semi-skimmed milk, or a cup of tea - either very weak as I like it, or maybe only decaffeinated after 6.00pm - for everyone, including any adults in the family - are all reasonable choices. If a child seems to be extraordinarily thirsty, and the house isn't too hot, and they haven't been exercising, then taking them for a trip to the doctor to test for Diabetes might be a good idea!

But, DON'T deny them a drink if they are thirsty, and a glass of water by their bed in case they get thirsty overnight is not enough, and unless it is in a thermos flask it would soon become too warm, and unappetising.

You are abusing your step-daughter, and probably all the other children as well. You are also abusing your wife by making her have to argue with you over your bullying and abusive behaviour. I wonder if you will pay any attention to the vast majority of us on here who are telling you that you must stop this abusive behaviour - whether they are labelling it as being abusive or not?

They’re getting older time, to review the rules.

Fucking hell.

You’re a controlling arsehole and you know it. Your rules are not sustainable.

Oh and Congratulations, you’re well on your way to your SD moving out the first chance she gets and never speaking to you again.

It's sounds like a prison camp with rigid lockdowns.

At 14 your time for adult time when the kids are in bed are done. At that age the sleep needs will be very simular to an adult. How would you cope being shut in your room from 8:30pm hours before you are ready to sleep? Actually why don't you do that to get your space. Teen and mum then might actually have some fun bonding time.

You really shouldn't have got with someone with kids if you want them out the way to this extent. You will have a row over her coming down for a drink at 9pm, that is extreme. Poor kid and mum will feel like they are walking on eggshells. You are doing a lot of damage to that little girls brain

Sounds cruel to me and I can't imagine making a 14 year old so this.
I'm glad she's testing your rules and I hope you self reflect on how stupid they are
Also you need to get teens ready to face the world and calling you out on this stupidity is a good thing.

I find your rules really bizarre and arbitraty. It seems that the main aim is to get the kids out of sight and stop them from consuming what you consider your stuff, as they need to beg for food and you make a judgement if then need it.
It's not because of their well-being, because you say they are 'upstairs on their gadgets or whatever'. Sounds like you don't care what kids (and the rest are below 14?) do the entire evening on their gadgets, as long as they don't disturb you downstairs.

@Feel2old

Teenagers don't break rules "to get at you".

I'm not intending to be harsh, but you need to understand you're not the main character in anyone's story but your own.
Everyone is the main character in their own story.

She's doing it because there are some (perfectly reasonable) things that she wants, for herself, and some of those things happen to conflict with the arbitrary rules you've set (which I'm glad to see you're reconsidering your approach. Well done. It's a sign of strength and maturity to be able to take feedback on board and change.)

Teenagers break rules because it's developmentally completely normal, and something they need to do to figure out who they are as adults, transitioning from children who can be told and regulated by their parents, to adults who regulate themselves and make their own rules in alignment with their own values.

Yes, you will find it uncomfortable.
Yes, she will make decisions you don't agree with or approve of.

Yes, she's inevitably going to make decisions that you think are stupid, or dangerous, or a bad idea or whatever. That's part of the job of teenagers, to make mistakes and to learn from them. You need to relax and let her make her own mistakes, in a way that's relatively safe and she can learn from effectively.

And you need to learn to handle that calmly and lovingly and with discussion and conversation which respects her autonomy and the adult she's growing into, and doesn't see her as "defying your authority" or "disrespecting my rules/values".

She's a different person to you. She will have some of your values, but also some which are different. If you want a decent relationship with her as an adult, you need to start seeing in her the adult she will become, and respecting that.

I have a 14 year old. While yes, he does have a bedtime, it's 10pm, I'm not going to enforce it other than a "you've got school in the morning, maybe you should go to bed" and he not only doesn't have to ever ask for a drink, tea or otherwise, he can have one whenever he wants.

You are being far too strict and she's already pushing back. Flex on the unimportant things, like going upstairs for an 830pm wind down time, and be stronger on the important things, like you must be home before 10pm on a Saturday.

This from previous poster is incredibly valid:

“I will put a scenario to you and see how it would go in YOUR house.
Young girl aged 14, goes for a wee and suddenly without warning, finds that she's came on a very heavy period at 9pm. Its everywhere, she becomes ravenous and it hurts, A LOT.
But because it is past her 8:30pm (kitchen's now closed as is the downstairs area) cut off time, she thinks nope, I will have to crack on.
No bath - which would clean her up
No food - which would make her feel better.
No cuppa tea - which would soothe her.”

My 14 year old has a very irregular menstrual cycle. It can be anything from 14-35 days. When she starts her period it can be very messy and she needs a shower. She also needs more fluid and food. My heart is breaking for your step daughter sitting in her room wondering how on earth to solve this problem.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I had friends who found themselves in a similar situation some years ago.

It escalated and the younger daughter was taken into foster care after her teachers realised that something was amiss. Fortunately, her foster carers were super. The girl passed all her exams and made it to university - no thanks to her domineering father.

I don’t really agree with your rules, and I struggle to understand why you want them upstairs every evening. I’m lucky enough to have some work flexibility, so I’m often home when my dd gets in from school - but I also have a hobby a few nights a week. If my dc were expected to be upstairs every evening, I’d barely see them. Don’t get me wrong, they often choose to go up, but I’d never encourage it as a rule.

For what it’s worth, my kids have always had free rein of the house and can help themselves to anything at any time. Aside from the odd occasion where ds comes in late and leaves a bit of a mess in the kitchen, we’ve never had issues. They’re both nearly adults now and are kind, respectful, and definitely not feral.

As for your stepdaughter, she may well be testing boundaries. That’s what teenagers do. It isn’t always about disrespect or trying to provoke you (though only you know your dynamic). Often it’s just them figuring out who they are and where they fit in the world. You’re already an adult with far more life experience, so it’s up to you to help her navigate this stage using the tools you’ve gained over the years.

If you want a close relationship with your dc as they grow up, coming down hard on rules that many would see as a bit ott probably won’t help that bond. A huge part of parenting teens is rising above the small stuff. If she’s putting herself or anyone else in danger, absolutely step in. But a cup of tea and a bath later than you’d prefer? That would be in the “let it go” category for me.