AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

[Feel2old]

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

except in your local NHS hospital they definitely offer you caffeinated tea and indeed coffee after 3pm even to those breastfeeding so that’s not a thing……🤔

Sometimes I don't get the time to sit down with a cup of tea until 9pm 😂

It actually is a thing. A hospital doing it wrong doesnt make it right.
Eventhough 3pm sounds very early.

Not all people are affected by caffein in black tea.

There are many other types of tea apart from the black tea and not all contain caffein. Herbal and fruit teas dont.

I understand that you don’t want anyone to start cooking or making anything too involved in the kitchen after a certain time in the evening .
But making tea + toast or helping herself to fruit , yoghurt etc is fine at that age .
And having a bath after a certain time would only affect anyone else if she is hogging the only bathroom and you don’t have another toilet .
Life with teens and young adults is totally different to life with little children.
Im afraid you don’t get time off

Irrelevant. The OP says “a cup of tea or anything” it’s before 8:30pm. The issue here is not caffeine.

What is wrong with you? You are going to be very lonely in the end.

You LET your wife set rules?

They come down gone 10.30 to fill a water bottle

You sound so domineering and so sure if your place as the master of all that the idea we disagree is crazy to you.

Op what if you wanted a cup of tea at 9pm or a slice of toast, can you make yourself one?

Having reread the OP imagine having to ASK for a sandwich as a growing kid of 14, you can't even make a slice of toast in your own house. Madness.

They would raid the place

That's what you said, so you don't even consider the food in the house theirs, it's yours to dole out IF you deem it appropriate.

You sound honestly horrific

This is utterly bizarre.

Having reread the OP imagine having to ASK for a sandwich as a growing kid of 14

and then your stepparent will judge if you are deserving of food at that moment or not..

"No, you've had your 2 slices of bread today, no more until 7am... you know the rules. Now back up the stairs and starve quietly like your siblings."

Your view OP is that she’s breaking the rules to cause arguments

Your wife’s view seems to be the rules are too strict (eg she says “you don’t choose when you’re hungry”)

Maybe, just maybe, your wife is right??

You sound like someone who likes rules for the sake of it tbh. Why don’t you try having fewer rules and see what happens? You might find fewer arguments and a more peaceful life all round. You may have to put up with a few late night snacks or baths but isn’t that better than constant arguments about breaking the (unnecessary) rules?

Why are they "your" Rules? We (the human race) do not live by Rules alone. Other peoples' feelings/needs/desires/reactions are considered in a humane and loving relationship. Why are your Rules dominating everyone in their home?

You are a Dictator. How would you feel if someone bigger/older/bad tempered dictated Rules to you?

I barely had any rules as a teenager and turned out pretty well
except
if you're putting the kettle on, ask if anyone else wants a drink
if someone is watching a TV programme, you can sit and watch it but don’t whinge about what’s on

i never had a curfew and went to college at 16 living away in halls, you had to be in your room by 11pm unless you had a parents signed form (we all did) so by 16 my parents had no clue what I was doing

The most valuable piece of advice I was given as a parent of teenagers is pick your battles. Ask yourself if the time she makes a cup of tea is really the rules-hill you want to die on? İs that bit of control over her behaviour really so important for you to retain?

Ask yourself if she's sensible enough to make herself a cup of tea safely at 8pm so why have you set an arbitrary time she's not allowed? Why is YOUR rule the one that counts even though it seems your wife and family disagree with you and it's causing friction?

You seem to have a belief that rules in themselves are inherently good for your family just because.... rules. (Hint - arbitrary or illogical rules do not cause better behaviour. In fact they create a culture of much more rule breaking). İf there are good reasons for a rule (e.g safety, health and wellbeing or not disturbing others) then a very good way of encouraging the considerate, safe behaviour you want is by discussing together what would be a fair and sensible boundary. Teens are much much more likely to follow the rules/ concur with boundaries if they agree with them and feel they've been included in the decision.

There was a MNer of old whose only family rule was Don't be a dick

Perhaps worth noting.