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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

318 replies

Feel2old · 15/05/2026 23:23

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

OP posts:
Milkmonitoring · 16/05/2026 06:35

Feel2old · 16/05/2026 06:33

So to clarify they are not banished upstairs 8.30pm atall that’s like a wind down time they come up and down freely when they want in and out the house downstairs or just to watch tv. they are upstairs most the time on gadgets or whatever and pop down if they need something..but in general weekdays is own rooms at half nine that doesn’t mean DONT LEAVE YOUR ROOM for a drink ect
they pop down at gone 10.30 sometimes to fill up there bottle or whatever.

and rules are set together not by me I have also told my wife that rules can be set by her if I’m doing wrong or too harsh and she will for sure correct me if she believes I’m wrong. The issue I feel is regardless of what rules are set they are being broken to agetate (IMO) or if I ask not to do something it will be done on purpose. and maybe I’m a bit harsh and maybe IBU so I need to re consider certian things/rules

the bath late that’s on me because she hasn’t had one anywhere near that late before and knows I prefer for them to not bath that late I’m telling myself other things are being done on purpose so maybe she’s gunna leave a mess so yeah that’s on me IBU

if they have hot drink no later then 8.30 that should be for all again IMO AND AGAIN I COULD BE WRONG to some people or all

it’s not the matter of a tea or a bath or raiding the cupboard at 2am that was an example of a rule we set for all that should be followed by all and again for some people that may be wrong but it’s what we decided on..

i do believe in rules more then my wife but I’m happy for her to set it I just like to know what’s going on..

but yes at 14 the boundaries should maybe be changed.

so it wasn’t a post about she shouldn’t do this or she shouldn’t do that it was more of if we all know certian rules is she just doing it to get at me

Why can they not have a hot drink after half 8?

Milkmonitoring · 16/05/2026 06:38

Also why are you making her ASK for a cup of tea? She’s 14. She can just make her own. She shouldn’t have to ask for a cup of tea - it’s not as if she’s eating a special treat food, it’s a bloody teabag and some milk.

Steelworks · 16/05/2026 06:38

@Ponderingwindow sums it up.

”you have teenagers and you are treating them like toddlers.”.

There’s nothing wrong with rules and boundaries. However, you need to adapt and change them, with different circumstances. Your rules are too strict for 14 year olds ( and any senior school child) so no wonder she’s disobeying. Shes just being a normal teen.

Ypu say you don’t want to fight, so stop fighting and let her be. Life will be far more harmonious all around.

Also, you’ve only been living with her for two years, so you’re not really in such a position to parent this heavily, and you should respect your wife’s point of view.

Milkmonitoring · 16/05/2026 06:41

Steelworks · 16/05/2026 06:38

@Ponderingwindow sums it up.

”you have teenagers and you are treating them like toddlers.”.

There’s nothing wrong with rules and boundaries. However, you need to adapt and change them, with different circumstances. Your rules are too strict for 14 year olds ( and any senior school child) so no wonder she’s disobeying. Shes just being a normal teen.

Ypu say you don’t want to fight, so stop fighting and let her be. Life will be far more harmonious all around.

Also, you’ve only been living with her for two years, so you’re not really in such a position to parent this heavily, and you should respect your wife’s point of view.

The op says they’ve lived together for 9 years?

Stoicandhappy · 16/05/2026 06:41

You sound very controlling and I feel sorry for these children.

Merryoldgoat · 16/05/2026 06:41

@Feel2old your OP said they can’t have a cup of tea after 9:30.

She probably is doing it to get at you because the rules are unreasonable and she knows it.

ToffeeCrabApple · 16/05/2026 06:41

I get the feeling you want some "childfree" time after 8.30pm where the kids are "out of the way" and not popping in and out of the kitchen etc

It doesn't really work that way with teenagers! They are up and about with you in the evenings. You get your child free time in the mornings!

NotQuiteUsual · 16/05/2026 06:42

I kinda get the upstairs at 8.30 thing, but not letting them down for a snack, drink, company and complaining if they have a bath?! Wtf

mumonthehill · 16/05/2026 06:42

You flex the rules as they grow. At 14 she should have autonomy over her bed time and where she spends her evening. No dc should not raid the food cupboards but should have access to food they can eat whenever. I hope you can realise that evenings are a great space to let teenagers chat, curled up watching tv they will open up. You have frozen your dc out of their living space in the evenings and this must change.

Ceramiq · 16/05/2026 06:44

These aren't house rules, they are child abuse.

Legssses · 16/05/2026 06:45

You are personalising her actions "it's about her agitating ME" rather than viewing them neutrally "she is getting older and understandably more active in the evenings and wants a bath/it is enitrely developmentally normal for a teenager to want more autonomy over their lives"

You will trash your own mental health and your relationship with your wife and kids if you continue with this.

CamillaMcCauley · 16/05/2026 06:47

Realistically, most house rules are more like general guidelines or expectations, not hard rules that need a fuss to be made if they are broken. It’s also extremely hard to make rules that suit kids with a range of ages.

It seems to me like you don’t want to get into negotiating the rules so instead you’re trying to shift the focus to the idea that she’s just trying to cause you and your wife to argue. Making that the problem conveniently allows you to ignore the question of whether the rules are being pushed back against because they are petty and controlling. I mean, come on, your step daughter is not going to become “disrespectful and feral” because she has a bath or a cuppa at 9pm. Be serious.

Littlecrake · 16/05/2026 06:49

What are the rules for? Why upstairs at 8:30? Why no hot drinks? Why no bath?

It doesn’t sound like they are working for you (not sure what the purpose is but it’s winding everyone up so unless that’s the purpose then it’s failing). I can understand things like a normal bedtime (so they get enough sleep) or no phones after 9 (for blue light and allow a wind down) or read an hour before bed (to be well read, to wind down) no caffeine (but 8:30 is late if you care about that and just buy decaf) but having to be upstairs in your own house from 8:30 - not doing homework or reading or sleeping but just watching tv and being “on tech” out of the way. Not an early bedtime because they are tired (you can come down for water whenever you like). What is the purpose? Do you never spend evenings together watching tv, playing a game, chatting? Don’t you miss them?

Ernestinepine · 16/05/2026 06:50

you shouldn’t have had kids or married someone with them as you clearly don’t like them.

830 bedtime for a 14 year old? Ffs, you sound very controlling

Ceramiq · 16/05/2026 06:50

I'm not sure why there should be any restrictions on the time someone in a household has a bath/shower or makes a hot drink providing they aren't disturbing anyone's else's sleep or doing it at family mealtimes when their presence is required. Wanting a bath and a hot drink in the evening is unbelievably normal!

Merryoldgoat · 16/05/2026 06:54

This is the thing about rules, they need to make sense, otherwise sensible people question them.

I don’t like my son showering late because it clashes with my bedtime prep stuff. That doesn’t mean ‘no showers after 8:30’, it means a quick ‘have you had a shower?’ Before I start getting myself sorted.

All you will achieve is children who don’t like you, don’t like living either you, who’ll remember their teens as a time of unnecessary conflict and who won’t be desperate to spread time with you when they are adults and have they’re own families.

OneFunBrickNewt · 16/05/2026 06:55

A cup of tea at 9.00- or even 10pm- doesn't make a kid feral.
A broken home does. Your family will leave you if you don't change this unpleasant, controlling set-up.

Ceramiq · 16/05/2026 07:02

OneFunBrickNewt · 16/05/2026 06:55

A cup of tea at 9.00- or even 10pm- doesn't make a kid feral.
A broken home does. Your family will leave you if you don't change this unpleasant, controlling set-up.

An evening cup of tea and a bath sound quite civilized to me - behaviours I would be glad any child in my household adopted. Feral indeed 😀

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 16/05/2026 07:06

You sound very controlling and weird. Of course a 14 year old should be able to get a cup of tea abd a sandwich after 8.30! You sound awful frankly. You will likely get your wish because as soon as they are independent they will run as far as they can from your home.

dippy567 · 16/05/2026 07:07

Banishing the kids after 8.30 is weird. You are definitely being unreasonable.

Ohmeohmy4 · 16/05/2026 07:08

Sounds like my mum ..she had rules like this ,we were not allowed out of our bedrooms on a weekend morning before 10.30....
She had locks on the lounge door so we couldn't go in ,and locks on the food cupboards,so we could only eat what she gave us.
Your rules sound similar op
We were a step family to..this was her way of having control of us
Bit like your doing really
We all went no contact with her once we had kids of our own and realised how abusive she was.

Dancingsquirrels · 16/05/2026 07:10

Poor kids. And your poor wife. Sounds abusive to me

Tulipsriver · 16/05/2026 07:10

Why are you treating a 14 year old like she's 7? No wonder she's pushing back against boundaries. It's weirdly controlling to expect her to wind down upstairs and not get a bath or snack after this time. What if she just fancies sitting downstairs? Or to unwind in the bath?

You and your wife are arguing because you're being unnecessarily harsh, not because your stepdaughter is doing anything wrong.

BurnoutGP · 16/05/2026 07:13

Batshit. Controlling. Nasty. And yes children shouldn't need to ask for food or drink in their own homes.
HTH.

Newmumatlast · 16/05/2026 07:14

Feel2old · 15/05/2026 23:23

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

I don't think you are unreasonable for thinking she is doing it on purpose as she might be and it is hard to judge unless living with her/you know her. But I DO think you are unreasonable for having the rule in the first place and she is right to test it in that kids should feel comfortable to challenge authority figures when they set unfair rules for them.

A cup of tea after 8:30pm is perfectly fine. Why not?! If she is still awake and it is not past her bedtime why can she not have a tea? If you and your wife can make a tea because you fancy it then why can't she? It's her home too. It doesn't hurt anyone. It's not like it will make her suddenly wet the bed or anything. I do understand that you might not want people eating late but some do. My personal view is if you're hungry, you are hungry. I would say no to starting to cook a full blown meal but I don't see anything wrong with toast, fruit, cereal, or a sandwich. Especially when they're still up and awake.