AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

[Feel2old]

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

This is the stage she needs to be learning healthy habits for Life. This can include healthy top-ups if she is hungry in the evening. If you are hungry, you presumably eat.

Good sleep hygiene is important, so having herbal tea in the cupboard, a house rule for everyone no devices in the last hour or two before bed, no noise after a certain time that could disturb others, and working out how much sleep she actually needs then working backwards from when she needs to get up so she has a guideline time to turn off her light all make sense.

As a PP have said, it seems your parenting approach hasn’t evolved since she was little.
If you and your wife have done a good job of raising your family, which hopefully you believe you have, you are continually equipping them for adulthood. This means them knowing how to listen to their bodies and minds, and make positive choices. If you are too strict at home, she will leave at 18 and never return and your wife will probably be devastated.

You are denying her access to food,
drink and hygiene and imprisoning her in her
room after a certain time. You are being abusive and controlling.

Absolutely outrageous!

you can’t say your kids can’t come out of their rooms. They’re 14!!! Goodness me. I mean this is horrific.

I can’t believe someone would think that was ok??????

You are controlling and abusive.

Your wife needs to leave you.

Oh dear you’d hate my house. I caught my son going upstairs with noodles at 2am, when I woke to use the loo 🤦🏼‍♀️

I agreed with everything you said until you got to the part about the tea, which seems ridiculous to me. Many, many people drink tea or coffee (caffeinated) in the evenings. My mother’s nursing home offers residents a cup of tea at 9pm. Unless people find that the caffeine gives them insomnia, what’s the problem?

I have four (now adult) kids. I remember, noisy evenings and I remember when bed time was 7:30. Pure bliss once the house went quiet, especially as I worked full time.

But as the kids grew, as much as I liked a quiet evening, it is their home too. By 14 I'm shocked that your SD isn't getting her own cup of tea whenever she feels like it. By all means, some rules about snacks too close to meal time make sense, but apart from that, if she's hungry at 9pm, surely she can make some toast or something that takes a similar amount of effort.

If it's about the kitchen being clean after dinner, she should of course be cleaning up after herself too.

You and your wife are having arguments because the rules are too strict. By not budging on the rules, you're choosing to fight, the SD isn't making you fight.

If you don't relax, you're likely to find that you go through something similar with each child as they get older.

As for bed time, this also needs to change with her age. Expecting her to be out of sight by 8:30 is a bit much in her own home.

Hang in there, it will only be a few years before they start moving out for uni, but for now, you need to relax those rules.

OP do you realise you hate these children and probably all children?

My good god you sound like a dictator

was that your choice though and if you wanted a drink or snack later on were you allowed one?

Btw it’s FERAL! Maybe you should go upstairs and not come back down until you can spell !

YABVU

First of all, from experience it is very difficult for a young girl to live with a man who is not their parent, regardless of how caring you think you are towards them. I am assuming you’re a man and also assume if you’re a woman it’s slightly easier but still not perfect.

Second of all what are you going to do when the 14 year old is 16, 18, 21? Will they be allowed to have a late night snack or bath as an adult?

I will try not to judge as routine is important for children and maybe it’s a transition you’re struggling with but this is a teenager who will soon be an adult, you can’t dictate when they eat, drink and bathe.

I am glad your wife is sticking up for her daughter here.

The fact you think she’s trying to cause an argument says something about this dynamic, and it’s not good.

Why can a 14 year old not have a cup of tea after 8:30 and needing to be be in their room by 9:30 is really early. I would think she’s often still doing homework till 9ish so not being allowed a bath till after that is crazy. Times needs to get later as they get older. On job school days I don’t think any time limit should be on a 14 year old as long as not disturbing others.

you think no rules makes kids feral but too strict rules will make them rebel

this, in case you missed it! the poor child....

It’s evening not nighttime

why can’t she get a drink if she wants one? Day or night at 14. Or even run a bath at 9pm

Why are you so controlling?

You are a control freak, she’s becoming an adult and you’re losing your control. Treat her as you would wish to be treated, which is not the way you are doing it right now.

if you don’t review your parenting skills now, you are in for a lot of hell years and shit relationships with your collective children as they grow up.

I think it's good to have rules in place but too much/rigid rules are not beneficial to anyone. On a school night they should def be in their room with lights off at 22 at the latest for ex. And I wouldn't give other snack than fruit an hour before dinner if they are hungry.

But your rules are too rigid so you need to think about why you are having them and how they make your children feel:

Being upstairs at 8:30- tells your children you want to get rid of them (which I presume is the case?) And make them feel rejected and unloved.

The rule for getting something to eat/drink after 8:30 is just ridiculous. It depends on when they have their supper and how well they have eaten. What you can do is propose a banana (good for sleep and nutritious) and a youghurt. I tell my kids that's how they know they are hungry and not just in want of sweets. They get dessert after the meal so normally they should be satisfied.

You will alienate your kids by continuing on this path. Super rigid rules that don't make any sense are counterproductive. You need to be able to explain the rules to them and yourself. If they don't make sense then scrap them.

It's completely inappropriate to be aiming to control a 14 year old this much. It might make sense to require them to be in their rooms from 9.30/10pm at that age on school nights [and the weekend you need to give more freedom] to encourage them to go to bed but that doesn't mean they are "trapped in" in the way you are proposing. To understand an appropriate bedtime - its worth noting teens circadian rhythms move dramatically later so they will struggle to feel tired before 10-11pm. Have a set of things the kids are allowed to snack on if they want to - and then let them - don't try to control their eating habits. Also, a teenager testing boundaries (especially extremely stupid and inappropriate ones) is normal and should not cause you and your wife to fight.

To be clear - I also believe rules are super important but you're treating a 14 year old more like a 5 year old. The rules you should be focused on with a 14 year old are ones around can their boyfriend visit, how they keep in contact with you where they are out etc - not bedtime and snacking.

Why kids are or aren’t feral can be up so debate of course, but it’s not as simple as ‘rules’.

My son is 13 and we have few ‘rules’ other than being polite and respectful. He’s both of those things and more. No harsh discipline, no draconian treatment, no arbitrary displays of our power over him.

Your methods do not teach respect - they teach fear. Children do not learn how to be good people by blindly following someone’s harsh rules. They have to be taught and included in adult lives appropriately so they can learn by example.

Whether you can save your relationship with them and your wife remains to be seen because the resentment you have caused with this unpleasant controlling behaviour would be very hard to move past for me.

Wow, I’m surprised at some of these comments. I was raised with an 8pm bedtime until I was 16, then I could stay up till 9. I had lots of books in my room, so you read etc and it greatly helped me and my siblings. 3 Oxbridge educated and 1 St Andrews, great jobs and I plan to do the same for my children.

Maybe it’s cultural, but coming from an African background this is quite normal. I don’t have the stats only anecdotal evidence but it seems most of people I met (most not all) at university and in the workplace all had an early bedtime.

Must be something to it, I do not you are being unreasonable, stick to your rules. You are the parent, your wife should support you. A child not listening to rules should not cause you to argue.

I really hope this is a wind up but if not, you are not simply being unreasonable but acting like a controlling bully, preventing your teenagers from being downstairs in the evenings in their own home and denying them drinks and snacks.

I think you need to relax the rules for the 14 year old. Children should have rules, sure, but you also need to give them rules appropriate to their age and asking a 14 year old to not even come down for a drink is weird. She's old enough to be able to regulate herself.

So your basically banishing a 14 year old to her room at 8:30, sounds like so she’s doesn’t bother you?!? You’re completely unreasonable. I can’t imagine living in a house where you’re not allowed to make tea after a certain time. I don’t blame her for pushing your “rules” you sound like a living nightmare.

yes rules should be in place, however this is borderline controlling and abusive.

So to clarify they are not banished upstairs 8.30pm atall that’s like a wind down time they come up and down freely when they want in and out the house downstairs or just to watch tv. they are upstairs most the time on gadgets or whatever and pop down if they need something..but in general weekdays is own rooms at half nine that doesn’t mean DONT LEAVE YOUR ROOM for a drink ect
they pop down at gone 10.30 sometimes to fill up there bottle or whatever.

and rules are set together not by me I have also told my wife that rules can be set by her if I’m doing wrong or too harsh and she will for sure correct me if she believes I’m wrong. The issue I feel is regardless of what rules are set they are being broken to agetate (IMO) or if I ask not to do something it will be done on purpose. and maybe I’m a bit harsh and maybe IBU so I need to re consider certian things/rules

the bath late that’s on me because she hasn’t had one anywhere near that late before and knows I prefer for them to not bath that late I’m telling myself other things are being done on purpose so maybe she’s gunna leave a mess so yeah that’s on me IBU

if they have hot drink no later then 8.30 that should be for all again IMO AND AGAIN I COULD BE WRONG to some people or all

it’s not the matter of a tea or a bath or raiding the cupboard at 2am that was an example of a rule we set for all that should be followed by all and again for some people that may be wrong but it’s what we decided on..

i do believe in rules more then my wife but I’m happy for her to set it I just like to know what’s going on..

but yes at 14 the boundaries should maybe be changed.

so it wasn’t a post about she shouldn’t do this or she shouldn’t do that it was more of if we all know certian rules is she just doing it to get at me