AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

[Feel2old]

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

Honestly, at this time in their life teens need to learn how to socialise, have grown up talk about lots of topics and situations - this means they don't turn out feral.
Shutting them away will cause you more problems.
Instead embrace their journey to adulthood - debate current affairs, learn a card game - even teach them poker!
Have a cup of tea together - the occasional beer on a special occasion.
They need to learn how to be adults and this is the time to do it. And I can honestly say as someone who is going through it - it's a great time

Did you and your wife agree these ‘rules’ together? How old were the kids when they were put in place if so? Sounds to me like you need more flexibility, this seems ridiculously draconian.

My 14 year old could get something to eat at 3am at the weekend if she wanted. I wouldn't care less (aside from hoping she brushed her teeth!)

Having to be upstairs from 8:30pm is just awful. Poor girl! Treated like an 8 year old at 14!

Why is it feral to want a cup of tea in the evening? In 4 years time the 14 year old will be an adult. That’s no time at all. It doesn’t sound as though you’ve thought at all about how she navigates that transition and learns what she needs to know to be safe and not open to manipulation and exploitation. She needs autonomy, not draconian, arbitrary rules.

The original post made for very uncomfortable reading. I feel dreadful for your wife but more importantly for your children.

You want your children to be upstairs and out of your hair at 8.30? Don’t you like them? I have a 14 and 17 year old. I work full time and look forward to hanging out with them in the evenings. I chose to have a family. They’re great fun, and it’s lovely watching them mature and being a part of that process.

Eating and drinking in the evening- both my children are growing very fast. My 14 year old daughter in particular has grown literal inches in height in the past 6 months. In addition, when she has her period she gets low blood sugar and feels faint and needs to keep her energy levels up. She gets very hungry and thirsty in evenings and it’s important she has a healthy relationship with food so we encourage her to make her own choices. They are healthy choices and she is sensible in her food prep. She also eats the very healthy home cooked meals I prepare and helps me prepare these. I’m genuinely worried that the draconian rules you impose will foster an unhealthy relationship with food and drink and lead to binging, or secret consumption.

Washing - both my children regularly shower after 8.30pm. Often after 9pm. As do I. Again I want to foster good time management and hygiene habits and help them grow into independent young adults.

My 14 year old goes to bed between 10 and 10.30. She gets up for school at 6.30-7. she stays up later on Fridays and Saturdays and sleeps in a little at weekends. She’s a teenager. She’s charming and kind and hard working, is doing well at school, and we work together to develop an understanding of what is appropriate at home, and when.

Unfortunately you sound like a bully and the arguments are of your own doing. You are also at risk of seriously alienating your children and step children. Also at risk of stunting their developing maturity. I’m glad to hear you are taking on board the criticism.

An aside. I loathe hearing people describe children as feral. Or even ‘Ferrell’ as you put it. This shows immense lack of judgement and maturity in thinking.

You believe what you want. Personal experience of raising three DC to adulthood, and watching their friends grow up has shown me the stricter the parent, the greater they rebellion.

Have you ever met a teenager before?

She's asking for a drink/sandwich or having a bath, not stealing your car or taking drugs.

Seems like it's you just want everyone to obey you.

i certainly believe rules should be in place and that’s why many children these days are Ferrell

Which era?

Blades of Glory or Elf?

You are WAY too controlling OP.

My children ,as teenagers went to bed later than me !

A family can have rules and routine, but it needs to be fair and reasonable, and it needs to evolve as the children get older. It seems like these rules are applied to all the children and haven’t changed since you moved in together. A 14 year old is very different to a 5 year old.

Rules also need to take into account the individual children - for example child A can be left at home alone for the evening at 14; child B can’t be trusted not to set the house on fire getting themselves a glass of water, so when they are 14 they are not allowed the same freedom as child A.

She won't be getting to sleep if she's drinking caffeinated tea in the evening, surely!?

Firstly, learn to use paragraphs.

Secondly, YABU. She’s not a 4 year old coming downstairs asking you to read her a story, she’s 14 and if she wants a cup of tea she can come down and make one herself.

It sounds very controlling of you to be saying a teenager can’t come downstairs that early on in the night.

Is this post really about whether their tea options are decaf or not?

Why do you have these stupid rules? Is it just because you can? It’s their home they should be able to get a drink whenever they like. Honestly pick your battles

'we all know the time frames we are living by'
You've tried to set timescales, that don't make sense and like any person, she occasionally wants a drink and some interaction, outside these exceptionally controlling rules. These rules are made up, by you, they no longer suit the other people, who live in, what's supposed to be their home. I'd love you to run this by the pastoral care person, in her school, safeguarding would get involved. This is emotional abuse and controlling behaviour, your wife could actually go to the police with this. I hope if there no change, your wife ends the marriage to limit the damage to her children.

Of course rules need to be in place, but this is controlling and that’s different. Her bedtime needs to be her choice now. As long as she’s not making a mess. You don’t get to protect your evenings now the kids are teens. You need to relax or i’d be leaving you if you were angry at my child for having a bath or wanting a cup of tea. That’s right up there with 10 ways to kill a relationship.

I can tell you when those children slip the leash they are going to go wild. Children brought up this strictly always do. One of my friends once ended up in a hall of residence type arrangement. Almost everybody else there had been educated at strict convent boarding schools. Those girls were boy crazy and drank like fishes. My friend who had relatively liberal parents had never seen anything like it.

You can’t control your children's every movement - they also need to learn how to make decisions for themselves. They won’t be equipped for life if someone has told them when to eat and sleep their whole lives! No one should follow rules blindly, we need to learn how to judge these things and when to question them. Your rules are not fair and potentially dangerous. Kids are growing, they need to eat when they are hungry - as long as it is healthy you should let them snack. Controlling when and what a teenager eats can lead to eating disorders. Supply healthy snacks and let them take them when they want!

The time can be adjusted for age groups. But no it’s not abusive to say no to caffeine at 9pm.

have a chat with your wife and agree what time and rules work for both of you even better include the kids so you can all agree. I don’t thinks a hot drink before bed is bad thing. I can understand wanting to carve out some quiet time for the adults. But agree it as a family.

Sure. Rules. But not just any batshit list of requirements so you can throw your weight around . Rules should reflect values.

I don’t think you understand what feral means. If you really think that the young people in your house are only constrained from felonies by not letting them be in your sight in the evenings, not letting them bathe and by not being allowed a hot drink, then you might want to have a bit of a think about what a family is.

You sound like my dad. Very controlling.

She’s not 7 and you’re abusive at worse and stunting her development at best.

You took the words out of my mouth. Most 14 year olds have got an active social life by that age and would be out with their friends/boyfriends until much later than 8.30. I can’t believe this post isn’t a windup

The asking for foodisfair enough if upu ate keeping to a budget. I make my kids ask for snacks because if they were just allowed to help themselves we would genuinely habe no food left half the month. I cannot afford to buy more.
However with the tea and bath thing i think you are being very unreasonable. Just tell her she needs to quietly sort those things out herself if its after 8.30. She doesnt need to be bothering you.. why cant she just make herself a cup of tea withput asking? Or use the bath as long as shes quiet etc
I dont see why she must be confined toher room.
Fair enough if itsadult time in the living room but banning her fromaccessing the rest of the house isa bit much imo