AIBU to think my stepdaughter is testing household rules at night?

[Feel2old]

Hi just registered to get some insight tbh..

so I have been with my wife for 11 years married for 2 we both had children when we met and we all live together and have done for 9 years or so..I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable so here it goes..

having 4 children in the house is always hard work and being a STEP PARENT for both me and my wife can be challenging but we get through it..however this is causing massive rows..so we have rules in general,usually the kids go up stairs at 8.30pm and do whatever play games watch tv chill I’m not too fussed as long as they are quiet enough and then I say own rooms like 9.30pm.. I also set rules like if you want a cup of tea or anything it’s before 8.30pm. Obvs there’s times when it’s different due to circumstances..and here’s the issue..I believe our oldest is doing things on purpose to make me and my wife argue..she will come down at like 9pm and stuff and ask for a tea and say she forgot the time or do something that’s will trigger a debate with me and my wife..if this does cause a stir she will then do something else out side of this time frame and for me it’s because she knows we will row…I have tried to speak to my wife about this and stated she has all day to do these things and we all know the time frames we are living by and it seems that she’s doing it knowing we will row..and I just get called an idiot..she just went and ran a bath the other day and gone 9pm and I got annoyed me and my wife debated and I said now she sees we argued just see the upcoming days she will do things.. and today she came asking for a sandwich at like 9pm.my wife moans at me saying you don’t choose when your hungry she’s growing and maybe she just wants a bath..and I don’t disagree but it feels like she does these things on purpose knowing the rules and knowing we will disagree and my point is the others should just come down for things when they feel like it too then but apparently that’s not the case..just to clarify my kids are well loved and looked after and fed I just believe rules should be in place to keep a form or order and it seems she does it on purpose she’s 14 years old..
They also come and ask for something to eat throughout the days and I make judgment if they can have it depending on dinner time or whatever
im also told in a debate today other people’s kids don’t even have to ask for something to eat..but then they would raid the place and there be nothing left…So am I unreasonable for being annoyed by this should it be ok ..am I being too harsh..and should they just get what they want when they are hungry.

also am I unreasonable for thinking it’s done on purpose.

I don’t want to fight with my wife or kids I love them all 😊

You’re controlling. Give over.

Sounds like you’ve given yourself the role of Sargeant Major rather than dad. Do they have to say Yes, Sir when you address them? Because you probably do address them rather than talk.

If she is testing the rules then good for her because you are far too controlling.

Stop being a power hungry dick.

I also feel it doesn't really work that way with families. Don't have one if you don't want them around.

I personally didn't allow evening snacking (or any snacking to be honest) when the children were young because I thought eating outside of meal times was a bad habit not to be encouraged. But the children were given plenty of lovely food at meal times and neither I nor DH snack so it really was our household culture not to do so. However, drinks like water, coffee or tea really ought to be unlimited IMO.

Banishing them upstairs is a bit weird. DD is 9 and takes water to bed, drinks it all evening - it’s fine.
I think 9pm is late for a bath but I often go to bed at that time, so wouldn’t want the noise/potential worry she would fall asleep in there.
You need to get a man cave in the garden OP and take yourself off for a few hours.

I do see what you are saying. You and your wife have set these rules and it feels like any rules are being broken purposefully. That may be so and only you and your wife can really judge that, not the Internet, as you know your family. However I do still think the particular rules are overly restrictive and that you don't actually need as many rules. As long as you are respecting each other in how you communicate and things like don't be playing loud music at 1am while people are sleeping etc which again is about respect, then I dont think a tea or a bath are hurting anyone.

Absolutely ridiculous to try tell a 14 year old she's to go upstairs at 8.30pm and not allowed down after or to drink or to shower. You are treating her like an 7 year old. Those rules are unacceptable. Why don't you start going upstairs at 8.30, to your room at 9 with not leaving it and see how restrictive that is. I can't believe how controlling you are, so much so this is surely a reverse.

“Why don't you start going upstairs at 8.30, to your room at 9 with not leaving it and see how restrictive that is. I can't believe how controlling you are, so much so this is surely a reverse.”

This with bells on. @Feel2old Your rules are just so wrong for an older child. In fact, they’re controlling and verging on abusive. This must be a wind-up. This is your step-children’s home, too, not just yours, and yet you act as if the downstairs social space belongs only to you in the evening. One of our main bonding activities as a family with our teens was watching an evening TV show but you just want everyone out of the way. You say step-parenting has been hard - i’d say your rigidity has likely made it harder than it needed to be all round. If this is true, it’s healthy that your step-daughter is testing these rules and your wife is objecting to them. If you try to maintain this dominance of the household, it may spell the end for your marriage.

Pushing boundaries, especially stupid and unfair ones is developmentally appropriate. Yes shes doing it, because shes growing up and questioning things.

You taking her boundary pushing as personal and meant to cause a row is you making yourself the main character.

Your rules are silly. She's rightly pushing back. Its causing rows because of your inflexiblity and the fact that everyone knows youre wrong apart from you.

I think youve got a bit of work to do on yourself tbh.

I didn’t have any of these weird rules and my kids were never feral (you should be sent your room for spelling feral incorrectly!).

Having the stupid, pointless rules you have chosen is not what stops kids from being feral. 🙄

This might shock you but I brought up two children by myself without any house rules as teenagers. I didn’t need them because I was emotionally intelligent enough to bring them up well, by being a good role model. That was all I needed to raise unferal, well behaved children. It’s actually very simple really.

I think this is a wind up.

I will admit that I haven't read the entire thread,so not sure if these questions have already been asked,but how old are all of your children? Is the 14 year old the eldest?

This is incredibly controlling. I grew up with similar rules around food, and still have an eating disorder forty years later.
Your wife is arguing because you are wrong and borderline abusive, dont blame the child.

You are being so unreasonable and I am not sure I believe this is true, as it is so mad! She's 14!! Of course she should be allowed up later than your rules state. Going up at 20:30 and in bed by 21:30 is far too strict. My son is 14 and he goes to bed between 22:00-23:00. He's growing rapidly and often hungry later in the evening even after a big dinner. You sound very controlling and completely unreasonable. It sounds as though you just want the children out of the way, which sounds really mean. You have to adapt to their needs and stop being so selfish and unreasonable or the resentment will just continue to breed.

Going upstairs at 8:30pm is incredibly early for those ages, especially as you don’t even want them coming back downstairs for a drink or snacks. That would be about 10 hours at least without any of those? Sounds like a lot.

I don’t think having some rules/schedules is bad, my daughter made my life miserable when she had completely opposite schedules to mine, and there’s also nothing wrong in teaching them to appreciate they can’t just raid snacks cupboards without consideration, but it does feel a little bit overboard.

I disagree. OP didn’t say they go to sleep at 8.30, they said 9.30 but up to their rooms at 8.30 which I actually think is fair. I have children this age and they still need lots of sleep, particularly on school nights so 9.30 is a very fair bedtime. What isn’t fair is not letting them come down past 8.30 under any circumstances or not have a bath after that time?! That’s oddly controlling, unless it’s to do with the noise from a hair dryer or something which I could understand I guess at a push.

Teenagers are a strange in-between house: not children but not yet adults. Encourage her to start developing towards adulthood by giving her more responsibility. It's fine to make rules like: teenagers can make their own drinks and evening snacks (from a restricted list, maybe). Wouldn't it be lovely if she decided to hang out with the adults a bit later some evenings?

14 is when my children were allowed to set their own bedtimes. Their body clock goes haywire at that age and they just weren't able to sleep at 9 any more.

Yabu

Rules are fine.

pointlessly inflexible rules that are just manufacturing reasons for stress anxiety and discord arent fine.

Your rules aren't serving you so I'd be looking at changing them.

E.g. if you are your wife you are so desperate to be alone in a house of 6 EVERY EVENING in a house of 6.. instead of monopolising the entire downstairs maybe you go up to your room....

She's not doing things to get at you, and the fact you think she is suggests a very unhealthy dynamic to your relationship with her.

Mine weren’t finished sports practice and scouts until 9.30/10 by that age.

The op sounds like my dad. We weren’t allowed friends in the house once he arrived home from work.

After tea was homework in our rooms, we had to ask to be allowed to watch our programmes on the only television which meant we missed out on a lot of chat at school, and we had to ask for food and drink.

my mum didn’t stand up for us and I had no respect for either of them and left home at 16.

I've never read anything so bizarre.

Rules should be about being kind to each other, helping around the house, no snacks before meal time. No loud music/TV or disturbing people after their bedtime.

You should not be restricting access to food, drinks, or general hygiene.

Do you ever spend time as a family and sit and watch TV together?

My DD at 14 would be at clubs or on her phone until abound 8.30 and would then spend time sat with us watching TV before bed.

How old are the other DC?

@Feel2old you sound AWFUL. Controlling, coercive, unkind, bossy, unreasonable and incredibly insecure.

Your poor poor wife and children. I send them love and strength

One of our children had an American girlfriend who, when we first met her, told us about the very strict household she had grown up in with a controlling father who didn't allow his children any social life. All the children had been to excellent universities and worked very hard and were professionally successful but the girlfriend behaved very strangely in our home and couldn't get with the household behaviours - she was emotionally detached in a very unusual way and, in particular, didn't pick up on our household habits and we found her disrespectful and disagreeable.

The way people behave at home needs to have give and take over time in order for children to learn how to fit in with others, make themselves pleasant company and develop emotional awareness of themselves and others. Overly strict homes with arbitrary and controlling rules don't do that.

Rules are fine. Your rules are absurd though.

We have a 14yr old, he is upstairs by 9.30 with no phone and lights out by 10.30pm. Sometimes he's only coming in from sports close to that time so is having a shower.... thats perfectly reasonable, he is just expected to try to be queit as young kids are in bed (I.e. no shower concerts).

Our rules are lights out 10.30, no phone in room, and no snacking on junk food after 8.30pm. Tea, water, hygiene etc is absolutely not restricted because we actually love our kids... we don't want to abuse them?

I'm surprised your kids don't push more boundaries because you sound absolutely controlling and downright abusive. I actually also think your terminology is very strange... you've said you ALLOW your wide to make rules or comment on them also, as if that's very gracious of you.

Do these kids have involved other parents (aside from you and your wife) because I think the more they become teens the less time they'll want to live with you.

You sound awfully strict. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in having heathy boundaries for children. Yours are way beyond healthy boundaries. Are your children terrified of you? Have you thought of the messages you are sending as these children grow older? I’m not surprised your SD is playing up. She’s of an age where she can see they are totally unreasonable, arbitrary rules and is pushing back against it.