AIBU to charge another mum for school run help?

[Muddlingthroughwith2]

Am I being unreasonable to only offer to help another mum out with school logistics if they can pay me something? And if not unreasonable what would you charge a friend?

situation: they will struggle with getting child to school due to work, looking for options including a nanny, but of course they may not be able to drive; school breakfast club may not even be early enough start time for their day, yes - going to same school as ours, I have a car seat space. It would be 1 mile and 10 minutes extra on my journey minimum. It would save them 30-40 mins round journey, and if they can’t get or don’t use breakfast club it would save them £8.50 a day. They could perhaps drop off at ours to save diversion for me but would still be 50% more kids to navigate for me.

do I charge and if so what? Or charge in “wine” so it’s not a business relationship 😆

FYI they haven’t asked and I haven’t offered but I know it’s going to be difficult but before I offer to help do I make sure I don’t start on a back foot of enabling 7 years of free childcare!

This happened to me.

I stupidly offered to have the neighbour's children for the school run to enable them to get to work on time, and not get snarled in school run traffic.

They would arrive just as we were gathering coats and bags to leave and it was fine, just walking with them to school. Then they started coming 10 minutes early and watching TV while I got mine sorted with shoes. Then it was 15 mins and then 30 mins early. They would wind the dog up and go out in the garden to play while I was trying to get mine to eat breakfast etc. When they turned up before I was even dressed, I genuinely felt despair at the whole thing!

Don't do it.

Why didn’t you say something

5mins is fine so they don’t make you late

10-30 is taking the piss

Why did you not feel you didn’t have any agency in your own home to say to the parent back to original time. Boundaries are important - and if you can’t deal with a simple conversation but will allow resentment and frustration to fester and your morning home life to be disrupted and disrespected then you are enabling this situation. Honestly practice speaking up, nipping things in the bud - it’s life changing and a more honest, genuine and satisfying way to live.

once upon a time I did the school run with my dd’s and it was time for us together to talk about anything they might bring up or ask. Then a woman with kids in the same years as mine who lived near me started talking about doing a car share. I really wasn’t interested but she kept on and on about it and I gathered she found the journey a chore. I eventually gave in and agreed. But then all sorts of niggles started to arise. For example on her mornings, if I was in my dressing gown when she picked up she would have a little dig. My house was en route to the school but she then asked me to go out of my way to pick her kids up from her house which added 20 plus minutes to my journey. There were various other things but she was a nightmare and in the end she stopped the car share because her kids preferred doing the journey with me. I was really relieved and got my time alone with dd’s back. I suppose what I’m saying is don’t interfere.

Don't go near it, even emergencies. It always becomes a pain in the arse.

I know I sound selfish but I would not be offering. I fell for that and it was awful. Started off ok but when her kids were not easy and I was waiting for them hence my kids were late. Then the kids starting picking on my youngest in the car. Then the final straw was her doing over time and not picking up as planned. One of the other things was her kids aways had colds so we never didn’t have a cold. The whole time I was with them. Soon as I said it wasn’t working my kids were much happier. Also means I get quality time with my kids to chat about the day. I would not be getting involved

I'm on the "YABU" side. Not every favour or support should be monetised or and community shouldn't seek to be monetise support.
If you don't want to do it, don't do it, but I don't think you should seek payment.

I’d offer the help! I would expect child/ren dropped to you though.
i wouldn’t be in my dream job if it wasn’t for friends helping me (youngest) and I’d not have worked in my previous job without help from a friend too (eldest).

with my eldest I paid weekly for her help, then when she got a job I looked after hers on the days I didn’t work and payment cancelled.

with my youngest, hours weren’t confirmed until 3 days before I started and a friend stepped up to help two mornings (40mins), went fed and ready so wasn’t anything other then getting to school, arrangement lasted a couple of months before I got childcare sorted. I can at times miss the school bell and all friends are there after school so help for max 5 minutes the days required. We do the same for another working mum and watch after hers until she arrives, again within minutes of the bell.
“it takes a village” they say, without mine it’d be hard and I’m sure you know how much help you’d be giving without too much interruption to your morning but at the same time if you don’t want to offer then don’t!

Most definitely not..Seen a similar situation like this before with.a neighbour helping parents of her young child's school.friend.

She decided it was not for her after.Too much responsibility and it was eating in to her family time.

And.more importantly..She was actually.financially subsidising their lifestyle at the expense of her own .

Let them fork.out for whatever extra they.need. Don't let them use you.

Just tell them it's not convenient.

If you are charging do you have the licence and the Ofsted accreditation and insurance required to be a child minder?

It’s a big commitment, I’d think long and hard about it. I did lift shares and that was bad enough. What if your child ( or you) are sick? What happens if one child has to be in earlier or later one day?
What happens if your child and their child fall out?
You’ll also be missing out on important time with your own child. They may not talk to you about things they might normally mention on the school run if the other child is there.
i was so glad for the 5 years of senior school to be over and we had Covid in the middle. My son also hated having the other kids in the car and having to go with them by the end of it. What works at age 11 may not work at age 16 and likewise if your kids are younger.

If you charge for a service you'll have to be prepared to do it even when you don't want to (e.g. dd is off sick etc). Also be prepared for her to have opinions on it (e.g. her dd needs to do some homework that morning so can you supervise etc etc).
I'd probably offer if you want but agree some kind of compensation - wine, if the kids are friends could the cover some holiday childcare, breakfast food etc. Whatever feels fair to you. You'd not be unreasonable to charge but just be aware it'll come with more strings - if you do charge, I think max of £20/£25 a week maybe and I'd phrase it as covering extra snacks and petrol.

Exactly this! plus OP wfh so in theory she could have a poorly child on her sofa all day whilst she's working cos the parents can't get out of work commitments. Or OP's DC (no idea how many she has) may be ill therefore not going to school at all that day yet she still ends up ferrying her friends child to school & possibly dragging her own child along too (don't know age of OP's DC either as she hasn't provided enough info but I'm assuming primary age).

Just be very aware of the pitfalls.

sometimes you may need to run errands yourself (parent stuck in traffic and you need to go). Also, and this is a sensitive topic, but kids can get frustrated their on parent isn't collecting ‘again’ and become despondent / jealous that their friends have their Mummy and they don’t. Maybe your kids and hers will fall out and that relaxing little journey becomes fraught and angst.

So I would charge something, but also have that conversation you may need to stop at some point if it no longer remains easy.

I only say all this as I did this and it turned difficult within 3 months.

If you do def have them drop to you and pick up from you.

Don’t offer. Wetting yourself up for years of commitment and what if the kids dislike each other at any point? Just a whole lot of awkward.

You can't offer to help and ask for money at the same time. Because then you're actually soliciting for work, which is fine, but you need it clear what you're doing. Let her come to you.

I could be wrong, it sounds like you anticipate them asking you for help and you're actually asking if you should say yes only on the condition you are paid. Do you need the money? If not, what inconvenience is it you think the money will make better? The money won't help with whatever it is - the novelty will wear off and you'll just be left being annoyed by whatever is winding you up.

I doubt there is that much that could annoy you though, so maybe it's just the principle? Maybe you just don't see why this person should get something for free? I agree. It costs money to run a car. To buy it / rent it, get insurance, pay for fuel, parking, maintenance, MOT.. of course you need to be paid for all that.

I agree that you should offer / agree to help for a set period to ensure you're happy with it.

You can’t raise it with her and offer to help and request without appearing grabby.
if she asks you, you could agree with a request for a financial contribution towards petrol. However I’d be wary of doing that as I wouldn’t want to tie myself to this type of arrangement. Also I think Amy request for payment may damage a good friendship.

Sorry, have not read all the posts here so I might have missed some stuff. We did this for four years in primary school, 7yrs to 11. Happened to be chatting to someone at school gates and she mentioned she had a new job and was asking around local childcare for morning drop off, she was not scouting for me to do it. She had to be at work in a different school for 8.30 (school secretary) and school drop off was 8.30. Anyway, we walk everyday to school so I said let's trial it for 3 weeks, drop her at ours for 8am and we'll see how it goes. We had a proper conversation about it on the 3 week mark, everyone was fine so kept going.and going, for 4 years. She offered money, I would not accept but every Christmas she dropped us a lovely hamper with wine, chocs, the works, also randomly throughout the year. We just handled sickness as it came up, texted each other; creche closures happen, family is sick, it's all a normal part of life and you figure it out when it occurs. It's such a awful phrase, but it takes a village. Why not help someone out if it's in your ability to do so, if they take the piss, end it. It's so hard for all of us anyway with work and bills and commitments, can't we just help each other of we can? But also just do what you are comfortable with yourself.

My mum and a lady down the road had an arrangement - the lady picked us up every day and took us in on her way to work, my mum brought her daughter back from school every day for 5 years. I think they each did the run anyway if we someone was sick but we were secondary age so could be left. It wasn’t the horrendous commitment people here are suggesting, it worked well for both since Mum didn’t have to negotiate the morning traffic and the lady could continue with her full time job (my mum worked part time.)

At least you had a reciprocal agreement, which mutually benefitted each other. I did one week on, one week off with a parent, and if someone was ill, then you took your own child.

I wouldn't ask for payment. I'd be happy to do it since I'm going anyway, but only if they dropped off to me. I wouldn't be going 10 mins out of my way every day to do it. Not even for payment

To be honest, it sounds to me as though she'd be much better off getting some live in help. I had au pairs for a few years and they (ok, mostly) were a God send.

Exactly the same. And am very shocked at the amount of 'their choice, their problem' messages. When did everyone get so mean? When did it become so acceptable to willingly avoid helping someone? Sad times truly.

What is wrong with people?! You can absolutely choose not to help but to see it as a revenue opportunity is grim. What happened to the concept of society and helping people out because it’s the right / a good thing to do. Altruism is dead ☹️

I wouldn't want to be relied on so heavily, sorry to say. Mum's responsibility to sort something out long term.