AIBU to charge another mum for school run help?

[Muddlingthroughwith2]

Am I being unreasonable to only offer to help another mum out with school logistics if they can pay me something? And if not unreasonable what would you charge a friend?

situation: they will struggle with getting child to school due to work, looking for options including a nanny, but of course they may not be able to drive; school breakfast club may not even be early enough start time for their day, yes - going to same school as ours, I have a car seat space. It would be 1 mile and 10 minutes extra on my journey minimum. It would save them 30-40 mins round journey, and if they can’t get or don’t use breakfast club it would save them £8.50 a day. They could perhaps drop off at ours to save diversion for me but would still be 50% more kids to navigate for me.

do I charge and if so what? Or charge in “wine” so it’s not a business relationship 😆

FYI they haven’t asked and I haven’t offered but I know it’s going to be difficult but before I offer to help do I make sure I don’t start on a back foot of enabling 7 years of free childcare!

I would not offer as my children have fallen out with a friend’s child before. To have them share the commute will make it worse. When they bicker it can ruin the whole journey.

Don't offer. If she asks, it would be very awkward to suggest payment. It would be awkward either way.

Let her sort out her own life.

All the way this, so many on this thread quick to say nope don't do it, have they not read all the threads on here where people are desperate for a 'village'.
OP id consider offering help but not for money. I'd want to do some sort of reciprocal arrangement eg you take their child 1 day a week if they take yours 1 day, something that could help both of you save on childcare costs. If more parents of primary school kids were willing to make these sorts of arrangements amongst themselves people could save a fortune.

And yes I did loads of favours for other mums when my kids were little and they did favours back, and it was honestly lifesaving at times and definitely a few of us very much felt we had our 'village'.

Have you not read all of the threads on here which start out as someone doing a favour and quickly becomes the 'friend' taking advantage of them?

Not to mention the 'village' almost always means only women doing extra unpaid work which I wouldn't want to be part of and/or encourage anyway.

I wouldn’t offer. What happens if your kids are off school sick or something, you’ll be expected to take theirs in

Put yourself in their shoes….how would you navigate the situation? Maybe she is hoping that you will offer to help. If it isn’t going to cause any hassle for you, just offer to help. What goes around comes around and you may very well need help at some point in the future.

I wouldn’t offer, 7 years is a long time to be taking another child to school, every day!

Wait and see if they ask (they must have thought about this before choosing the school), if they do and you are happy to help out I think them paying you a small amount is fair.

FYI they haven’t asked and I haven’t offered

so you’re just speculating.

Don't get involved, it's her problem, your car won't be insured to carry other people's kids about.

Oh OK, that's what I had to have working in the NHS, but that's because its a part of the job. I think if its a direct arrangement between the passenger or the guardian of the passenger, then the insurance that you and I used doesn't cover it. The OP should check.

In the past, when we lived in another country, I shared lifts with a very good friend (one week I'd take and she'd collect and vice versa) and it worked perfectly. But when we moved back here, the head teacher of the primary school our children attended asked for a volunteer to give lifts to the child of another family. It was only 5 minutes or so out of my way, so it was a no brainer. I was happy to help, although if one of our children was ill and I had to scramble to get the other 2 into school, the mum was rather sniffy about it and never offered. What put the lid on it for me was when I collected the woman's child to take her to school and the dad was sitting there watching TV..... They could both drive. They just preferred the taxi service....

From experience, I know this type of thing sounds very simple but can actually turn out to be problematic. Firstly, you will be obliged to still take the other child on days when your child is staying home ill. Second, your children may fall out. Third, the child might be frequently late. Fourth. It affects your flexibility with your other child. Fifth, other children in the school may well perceive your DD and the other girl as best friends (because they always come in together and have breakfast together etc) and this may affect other friendship dynamics. Maybe not now, but at that age, friendships can change on a dime. Been there with the school run situation. Would not do it again. The other mum worked full time and chose a school you could only drive to. But that was her decision. She was very entitled and saw me taking one more as 'nothing' because I was a SAHM. But effectively she was getting about 7 hours free childcare weekly - how much would that cost her if she had to pay a nanny?

Why are you doing it OP? Is it because you want to help or because you want to make a bit of extra money? If the latter I don't think this is the way to do it.

I’m not saying you have to help but if you do offer I wouldn’t dream of charging. Either help or don’t.

I briefly asked another mum to help me out, she needed to have DD for 10 minutes before school and then they would walk the 2 minutes there.
In return I took her DD out for a full day to an amusement park and dinner.
However when she heard how much a paid the CM (who took DD from 7.30am) she complained I should have paid her the same for those 10 minutes. It was only 3 times as they were late to school every day so I ended up taking holiday to take DD myself.
The whole thing still annoys me.

I think if you can barter something that’s fine. Money though means you are really tying yourself in.

Don’t offer. And if she asks maybe try 3 days a week. You don’t want every day and same with pick up. What happens of your child gets a play date ? You will still have hers

Have they given you any indication that they actually want your help?
If they’re looking for a nanny I’d assume they don’t.

I was asked by the school to help a family out. They were new to the country and husband at work early and wife didn’t drive and there was no room on the (private) school bus two days a week. I said yes before I realised they lived in the other direction. Anyhoo I thought it’s only a couple days a week c why not help someone in need? I didn’t know them but I wasn’t expecting anything, it was perhaps a couple miles added to the journey but that was negligible in terms of money. They did give my kids generous vouchers for Hamleys at Christmas but I wasn’t expecting it at all.
I don’t know why you just can’t help a person out without expecting recompense. If it becomes inconvenient just say so.

I either wouldn't offer or wouldn't charge. You're charging they become entitled to it. If you think they're gonna be CFs anyway then don't offer.
I would expect to be able to call on them for emergency childcare in return. It takes a village and all that

I find the whole paying in wine and chocolates thing a bit stupid. It might be better if the were upfront that you can offer a service for a price.

RE: car insurance. I told my insurance I was using it for business purposes and it didn't change the quote.

This
don’t offer either
you can’t legally take payment unless you are a registered childminder - you can “help a friend out” and I’ve done this as-hoc but not as a long term childcare solution.

If she asks see what she says - don’t agree straight away and say you need to think about it and discuss it with partner etc

That would be utterly ridiculous and probably the end of the friendship

Appreciate the honest feedback and some bitter experiences! Think I will just stay quiet and offer to help in emergencies only unless they offer something reciprocal.

I’m not a SAHM but work from home mostly so it’s still time out of my day. I hate having to drive but that’s where we live, I think anything to reduce cars at rush hour and make people’s lives less stressful is a winner. I’ve never had a “village” support me but wish I had. Maybe that’s why I feel inclined to be helpful. The only reason I thought about payment was so it wasn’t me and my nature being taken advantage of, I don’t need the money; I just don’t want to be a doormat or totally inconvenienced.

Not quite the same but my sister gives 2 colleagues a lift to work and they pay her the equivalent bus fare as petrol money. The extra pays for all her runabout petrol for the entire month. It involves her going slightly out of her way to pick them up and drop off. However they have the convenience of being picked up from home and a warm dry journey on cold winter days. One colleague originally asked about a lift and sister was quick to mention "petrol money". The other colleague heard about the lifts and also asked. I dont think its wrong or cheeky to charge a neighbour or colleague when the arrangement involves supplying a service from which both parties benefit. However I would not offer up front without an enquiry from the other mum.

Do your kids get on? I think that would be a key factor in whether I help.

Also what do you both do in the school holidays for childcare? If you use a mix of holiday clubs and holiday, and your kids would prefer to be playing at her house, then I'd offer to swap school runs for one days childcare in school holidays, maybe one each term and a couple I the summer, to be arranged x weeks in advance.

I'd also be very clear that you're not sure how it would go, you might find that you miss time with just your kids or the dynamic changes etc so it's an arrangement that either of you can stop at any time with 2 weeks (or however long) notice.

Also need to establish what happens if your children or her child is ill or have something else on where you're not going into school that day.