Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

Purely anecdotal.

OP you have your head screwed on and keep it that way.
Do not let him gaslight into thinking he is entirely innocent when you saw the messages. He could have shut it down hard but didnt which suggests he happily engaged in more at work.

Do not accept one bit of blame no matter what he says. His choice always to do this.

That’s how Mumsnet operates..

What would make you happy? A curated list of court cases?!

ETA cos I submitted too soon.....except there aren't any court cases, that is rather the point. I personally know of two cases where people were paid to fuck off because although the company would have won the case, it was ultimately cheaper to pay the arsehole to go away and then allow word to spread about them in the industry.

We don’t know how much OP or her DH earn. Whilst UK courts prefer a clean break, long and short term spousal maintenance can be awarded. The law doesn’t just take into account current employment status though, but earning capacity.

If her husband has a track record of higher earnings but seems needlessly unemployed, then the court will take into account what he should be earning.
However if OP earns a decent salary and her DH struggles to find work after this, it could be to OPs disadvantage, at the very least giving him grounds to argue for a greater share of equity.

My best friend earned more than her ex h who was very unkind to her and the children and he was mentally ill for years anyway. She reached breaking point after his second suicide attempt and she left him. Although he was off work sick, he had returned to work by the time the divorce was being finalised. Even though he was working she did have to give him a greater equity share, due to their earning difference, notwithstanding the fact she had full time care of both children who hardly saw him again.
in summary, it’s definitely in OPs best interests that her DH is earning when the finances are decided.

It's in his interests to look solid with you whilst this is going on. Almost as part of his 'defence'. I'm a family man bla bla

He is still minimising and lying...I couldn't be near such a vile creature.

Hopefully HR will get to the truth the idea he thinks he'll get a redundancy payment for gross misconduct 🤦‍♀️

Maybe the old boys network will save him, it happened at an NHS Trust near me the person survived because they locked the door and the whistle blower didn't actually see anything.(they heard)...but the man in your husband's situation didn't last long in post after. Grim

All the drama is irrelevant to trying to find a way to get away from his yucky self

OP, you’re sounding stronger with each message you post. I hope you’ll be ok.

That's only the starting point of evidence though. Once they start interviewing everyone it will all come out and he'll be sacked. You read his messages yourself, you must know he did what he has been accused of.

Ultimately this is a disciplinary case not a court of law. There is no jury to convince. The disciplinary board will make their decision. If the 'D'H disagrees then he can try his hand at a tribunal but the waiting time for that is a couple of years.

A lot of it will come down to the 'D'H's reputation in the business.

If there isnt direct evidence then he may get away with a reprimand though his card will be marked as he will seem like a bit of a liability.

If there is evidence they will look to get him out of the door at the least expense/hassle to themselves. This could be PILON, a compromise similar to redundancy or worst case scenario, immediate dismissal.

Don't judge the OP please. Why on earth would she follow every instruction from a bunch of randoms? Yes, there is often very good advice on here, but it's not compulsory to follow it.

Also - yes it matters if there is 2-3 months of income - the bills still have to be paid. OP isn't suddenly going to up and leave and start a new life tomorrow, just because she's said she wants a divorce.

of course it matters if there is 2-3 extra months of income. If we as a couple suddenly lost DH’s income we’d be fucked. In an ideal world with unlimited wealth the OP could just leave. most of us don’t live in a world where we don’t have to worry about bills and feeding ourselves and our children. It’s never as easy as ‘just leave’.

Warning heeded.

But a hefty payoff from work to make you go away, is completely different to a successful criminal prosecution. Surely you can see the difference?

If it was in Dubai this could happen, but that is kind of beside the point no?

Custodial sentences for driving offences absolutely are still considered. And the criminalisation of drink driving in particular has been considerably tightened up in recent decades. There is no way you can come away from a drink driving conviction today without losing your licence, at a minimum.

Don’t know why people keep talking about criminal convictions and stuff? The interaction between the DH and colleague was consensual wasn’t it, possibly an affair? Yes the emails and relations could be sexual harassment as a civil matter under the Equality Act but not a criminal offence unless it was without the woman’s consent and caused her to fear serious alarm or distress etc.

I absolutely do not condone it, but I think a lot of people forget that cheating (depending on the extent and the definition by the people involved) is not always a deal breaker for everyone.

OP, as upset, disgusted and hurt as you understandably are right now, I think you need to take a step back and really think about yourself, how you truly feel about this situation, what the future looks like for you and most importantly your children.

A lot of people here, myself included are angry for you and naturally want you nowhere near a man you trusted completely who has betrayed you and put your health, family and peace at risk. But at the end of the day we are strangers on the internet. We are not the ones who will help you financially, put a roof over your head or raise your children with you.

I honestly think you should speak to one or two people in your real life who genuinely love you and whose judgement you trust to be solid, honest and unbiased. Then really think about what you want and how you want the rest of your life to look.

One thing I will say though is whatever you decide, do not feel tempted to help your husband clean up the mess he created at work or emotionally carry him through the consequences of his actions. He needs to deal with that himself.

If you do decide to stay, make him work for it. Make him prove himself properly, meet your conditions, rebuild your trust and show through actions that he deserves another chance.

I know you mentioned divorce already, but if that ends up being your decision, let it be because it is genuinely what you want and not simply because strangers online are telling you leaving is the morally right thing to do. Please know that no matter how difficult it feels right now, you and your children will be okay.

I wish you the very best of luck, and will be sticking around to see how everything pans out.

I can't see any info of that in their ethos

Yes?

Instead of just a load of hearsay and he said she said.

"He found out later she'd done it before" of course he found that out.

I do a lot of sexual harassment HR cases. The chances of it being some Machiavellian stitch up are bloody slim. And I’d put money on him being suspended rather than “sick”.

@Welshie2 how are you doing? 💐

I am good thank you, he didn’t get any further information today, the rep has said it should be early next week. He has been told to remain off until he hears otherwise, but is on full pay. He’s in a buoyant mood because in his words he’s being paid to enjoy the heatwave and I got home from work to him in the garden drinking whilst DC was in front of a screen. I am going to make the most of this weekend and try to spend as little time with him as possible.