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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

457 replies

Welshie2 · 15/05/2026 15:01

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

OP posts:
EdithBond · Today 18:27

Where did you find this man? 1972? ‘The office tart’, ‘bimbo’

He clearly has zero respect for women.

His arrogance makes him a total idiot. His marriage is over and he’s likely lost his job/income (unlikely to get another job without a ref). Yet he still cockily thinks he can squirm out of it all. So orders a second-hand sex chair and proposes a bank holiday BBQ at his STBX marital home. What a tosser!

Can you not go to your family this weekend, OP? To get some respite from him?

Dawnintheageofaquariams · Today 18:27

If he is following the playbook properly, he should be at the 'considering ending it all' by Sunday afternoon at the latest.
Swiftly followed by the sly 'your fault too' argument...

EdithBond · Today 18:29

Dawnintheageofaquariams · Today 18:27

If he is following the playbook properly, he should be at the 'considering ending it all' by Sunday afternoon at the latest.
Swiftly followed by the sly 'your fault too' argument...

He already tried that at the start: the spark had gone, apparently 🙄

And OP wasn’t committed to making it work by availing herself of the sex chair.

Noobzz · Today 18:33

This resonates OP. You’re doing so well. Fair play! Stay strong. There seems to be a few on here (including me) who wishes they had the resolve you have at the time. People like him are the lowest of the low.

ItTook9Years · Today 18:37

Lizchapman · Today 18:26

Oh I think I’d be having that bbq and explaining to all his family exactly what is going on.

Technically a hog roast

BreadInCaptivity · Today 18:39

Has he explained who he thinks is setting him up and why?

It can’t be the OW as she has as much to lose (in a work capacity) as him.

The whistleblower? Well if so that’s one hell of a grudge to “fake” room access at the same time events that correspond with the messages.

He may not have swiped into the room. But she could and they both went in together. Not being on his access log is not evidence it didn’t happen. Nor his not being explicitly named in the messages.

As a start point, work will likely be able to monitor if he was active on his computer at the times stated wrt access to the wellness room. If he was online, writing emails, etc or strangely absent at all the corresponding times….

What is more likely here? That it didn’t happen and he’s being set up or he’s lying?

I used to be involved in disciplinary proceedings like this as a senior manager rather than HR, but based on what you’ve posted I’d say the chances of him not being fired are very, very slim indeed (and the daft bastard needs to understand the difference between redundancy and dismissal - as he will be entitled to zilch).

Brokentoes85 · Today 18:39

Welshie2 · Today 18:13

I am standing firm, I can’t stand the sight of him right now. I snapped at him for saying they’ll need to call every man in the company in for interview given the office tart is involved. Just gross. If I had somewhere to go for more than one or two nights then I’d have walked out earlier.

He is seriously relaxed this afternoon considering everything, he’s on about having a BBQ on Sunday and inviting family. I’ve said absolutely not, and have told him I will be seeing friends this weekend after my plans were ruined last week.

So he knows she's involved? I thought people hadn't been named?

Tart? She was alright to shag on work premises, with a wife and kid at home though.

DinoDoughnut81 · Today 18:45

Surely there will be CCTV too? Or he will have used his pass in nearby corridors?
Two people where I last worked were sacked for having sex in the office after work. Everyone knew they were having an affair. Caught on CCTV staying late in her office so not in the act. Funnily enough she was in HR! So really should have known better.

Welshie2 · Today 18:46

Noobzz · Today 18:33

This resonates OP. You’re doing so well. Fair play! Stay strong. There seems to be a few on here (including me) who wishes they had the resolve you have at the time. People like him are the lowest of the low.

Thank you, I couldn’t do it without this community ❤

I am going to have a long bath and try to relax tonight, I’m picking up some extra hours at work tomorrow so an early start.

OP posts:
Lunde · Today 18:48

Welshie2 · Today 16:23

He was acting strange for a while before I looked at his phone, that’s what prompted me to do that. So there’s every chance he was aware of a pending investigation before then, hence the odd behaviour. I really don’t know, it’s all a mess. I also don’t believe HR have the messages I found. I’m put it to him what would happen if they did and he says there’s no way they’d amount to anything more than a slap on the wrist.

I wouldn't be too sure. He has been playing with fire here

It's many years ago but I knew a very stupid person who got involved in what he thought was mutual "provocative banter" 🙄🙄with a woman at work. He stupidly didn't see anything wrong with it. But then she didn't get a promotion she wanted and told her husband about it, who hit the roof so a police report was made and he was prosecuted for sexual harassment and it was regarded as more serious because he was her manager so had power over her job. IIRC he got a suspended prison sentence plus community service.

PyongyangKipperbang · Today 19:01

My ex (after we split up) was messaging a married woman at work, whether they were sleeping together I neither know nor care! But her husband found out so she claimed that it wasnt reciprocated, and her husband said that if that was true she should report him to HR and if she wouldnt then he was leaving her. Ex lost his job. He admitted that they had been messaging but could prove that it was done by both of them, but he still got sacked. I knew he had lost his job but didnt know why until my DD got together with my now son in law who had worked at the same place (still does actually) and knew what had happened. Turned out it was an open secret that they were up to something they shouldnt, but when her husband found out she threw ex under the bus.

So even if he can prove she was just as culpable as him, it wont change the outcome for him, but will probably lose her her job too. As I said above, I wouldnt be at all surprised to find out that she knew her days were numbered and decided to take him down with her.

Bonkers2026 · Today 19:03

I wonder how "the bimbo" got the promotion?

WallaceinAnderland · Today 19:05

He's obviously still lying to you and hiding things. People don't just get suspended for no reason.

ItTook9Years · Today 19:08

Bonkers2026 · Today 19:03

I wonder how "the bimbo" got the promotion?

I also wondered that.

Sicario · Today 19:19

He is lying, putting on a brave face, and trying to style it out.

You need to bring out your balls of steel and prepare yourself. It's just you and your DC now. Every decision you make is about your future as a single parent with a co-parenting ex.

Don't give him a single ounce of your emotional energy. That's all for you and you only.

Look after yourself. Make plans. Stay strong.

Imdunfer · Today 19:24

Welshie2 · Today 18:46

Thank you, I couldn’t do it without this community ❤

I am going to have a long bath and try to relax tonight, I’m picking up some extra hours at work tomorrow so an early start.

You're awesome, frankly. Have a lovely bath.

PoliteGreyDreamer · Today 19:37

Lunde · Today 18:48

I wouldn't be too sure. He has been playing with fire here

It's many years ago but I knew a very stupid person who got involved in what he thought was mutual "provocative banter" 🙄🙄with a woman at work. He stupidly didn't see anything wrong with it. But then she didn't get a promotion she wanted and told her husband about it, who hit the roof so a police report was made and he was prosecuted for sexual harassment and it was regarded as more serious because he was her manager so had power over her job. IIRC he got a suspended prison sentence plus community service.

I really doubt somebody got a suspended sentence for sexual harassment for some 'mutual provocative banter'.

The OP's DH and this colleague sound like a general mess, but let's be a bit critical in our approach to all the stories now popping up on this thread of bunny boilers who ensured their innocent ex-affair partners got prison sentences, shall we?

Mangochutney33 · Today 19:39

BeardySchnauzer · Today 07:27

The courts aren’t going to look at his behaviour though. They will look at what they are presented with at the time.

it’s in OPs interests to get him back into employment. If he spirals it’s just going to make everything harder

She has no ability to "get him into work"! He's a waste of space and no doubt since he'll resent her and blame her for "breaking up the family", by not putting up with his affair and subsequent disgusting behaviour. He'll probably become a cocklodger just to spend the savings money and because he can. It's in no way her best interests to stick around trying futilely to get him into work. Best thing she can do is cut loose ASAP and not fall into the trap of financially supporting him because it's literally a waste of her money.

I don't think you're right about courts not looking at behaviour. Spousal support is rare in UK. SAHMs are simply expected to go get a job and claim benefits while they do, even if they were a SAHM at their ex's request/demand. So if he's lost his job due to his own atrocious behaviour, I can't believe for one second that a judge will award him spousal support. He'll be expected to claim UC and find work.

BeardySchnauzer · Today 19:47

But they also won’t split things in OPs favour in terms of equity split etc.

of course he won’t get spousal maintenance - no one is suggesting that. And by helping him back into work - she needs to encourage him to start job hunting and negotiating the least bad exit from the current place. she can do this while also getting everything in place for the divorce

him becoming an unemployable mess reliant on benefits is not going to help her child and I’m going to make a wild guess that as awful as her H is as a husband she doesn’t want her child to miss out on a father or the financial security him being employed could provide

changeme4this · Today 19:58

PoliteGreyDreamer · Today 19:37

I really doubt somebody got a suspended sentence for sexual harassment for some 'mutual provocative banter'.

The OP's DH and this colleague sound like a general mess, but let's be a bit critical in our approach to all the stories now popping up on this thread of bunny boilers who ensured their innocent ex-affair partners got prison sentences, shall we?

I believe it. A friend of ours years ago in a real estate agency was subject to an investigation/complaint of inappropriate workplace banter, of which the complainant was a participant.

His insurer (it being his business) offered a lump sum payment as compensation to the complainant which was accepted.

friend was appalled as he had copies of what she had sent as well but legal advice was to pay her out (termed p*ss off money) as it would be cheaper than fighting the allegations.

6 months afterwards he found out she had done it to a former employer as well and accepted a compensation payment there.

it does happen…

Lunde · Today 20:29

PoliteGreyDreamer · Today 19:37

I really doubt somebody got a suspended sentence for sexual harassment for some 'mutual provocative banter'.

The OP's DH and this colleague sound like a general mess, but let's be a bit critical in our approach to all the stories now popping up on this thread of bunny boilers who ensured their innocent ex-affair partners got prison sentences, shall we?

It was a really long time ago - 30 or 40 years when sentences were tougher. Actually I was really surprised about the suspended sentence but I read the newspaper reports and it was pretty accurately reported.

I sat on a jury around the same time where one of our cases got 3 months imprisonment for driving while disqualified. It would not happen nowadays.

kohlrabislaw · Today 21:00

So he’s calling her a ‘bimbo’ and ‘office tart’ … how lovely

Dawnintheageofaquariams · Today 21:05

PoliteGreyDreamer · Today 19:37

I really doubt somebody got a suspended sentence for sexual harassment for some 'mutual provocative banter'.

The OP's DH and this colleague sound like a general mess, but let's be a bit critical in our approach to all the stories now popping up on this thread of bunny boilers who ensured their innocent ex-affair partners got prison sentences, shall we?

If it was the US then it it absolutely could happen.

Mangochutney33 · Today 21:17

BeardySchnauzer · Today 19:47

But they also won’t split things in OPs favour in terms of equity split etc.

of course he won’t get spousal maintenance - no one is suggesting that. And by helping him back into work - she needs to encourage him to start job hunting and negotiating the least bad exit from the current place. she can do this while also getting everything in place for the divorce

him becoming an unemployable mess reliant on benefits is not going to help her child and I’m going to make a wild guess that as awful as her H is as a husband she doesn’t want her child to miss out on a father or the financial security him being employed could provide

Maybe she wouldn't get a fair split of equity if he's not working but really there's nothing she can do about that if she wants to detach herself from him emotionally, which means not supporting him emotionally in any way.

A few posters have suggested he'll get spousal maintenance if he's not working, like it'll be a done deal, a clear cut case, when in reality it's nothing like that and he's highly unlikely to get it. My post that you originally quoted was in response to one of those posters (I don't know if it was you or not I was originally responding to).

I personally believe she's better off getting the house sold (or him out of it, if she can buy him out) because getting half the house and half the savings is way better than getting none of it because he's spent all the savings cocklodging with her, not looking for a job and refuses to leave the house/tries to get it all assigned to "poor, hard done by, unemployed, him" in the divorce.

I'd rather be arguing over who has what money from pensions and sale of house, whilst I lived in either the family home or a rental wherever with my child and without him, than risk a situation of having to live with him for X amount of years whilst he does everything possible to stall the sale of the house as punishment to OP for not rolling over and accepting being cheated on and him cocklodging.

Of course OP needs legal advice before she does anything concrete, but with 50/50 assets as a starting point for negotiation, I'd be talking half the savings today, ensuring he can't run up debts on any joint accounts as a matter of urgency. Also hunting for financial information, as she is doing and I'd be getting the house valued as a minimum, followed by talking to the mortgage provider about her ability (or otherwise) to buy him out. Just so she's got some idea where she stands. She's already looking at increasing her income so that's good for her future survival.

I'd be working from the proviso that unless a solicitor advised otherwise I'd be out of a relationship with him ASAP. I certainly wouldn't be planning on taking part in the living hell of having him hanging around for 6 months while he prevaricates over obtaining any job that's available because he's got an ego the size of the UK and believes all those jobs are beneath him, refusing to acknowledge he's got almost no chance of being employed at his previous level/career/industry.

As for his role as a father, I'd consider my child didn't need to be anywhere near such a toxic, fucked up, selfish individual and I'd sincerely hope he fucked off and never saw the child again. I'd happily accept no child maintenance for that, if not claiming it meant he fucked off quietly, instead of him arguing for 50/50 contact just so he didn't have to pay any child maintenance anyway. Co-parenting with toxic people sucks and doesn't benefit the child IMO. One stable home that the DC doesn't have to keep leaving each week and one sane reasonable parent is better than 50/50, or even EOW, with a toxic selfish parent and all the house-hopping it requires. I think often both parents like 50/50 for themselves so they can have child free time and not pay child maintenance.

IME vast majority of DC end up LC/NC with an absent parent by the time they reach their teens and have thoroughly had enough of house-hopping and being away from their friends and possessions EOW. If they continue to visit IME it's because both parents expect it and the fade of contact comes at 16/18 when child maintenance stops. Rarely does the contact on any meaningful level, or the house-hopping, continue. Once there's no more child maintenance to pay as punishment for not having the child to stay, the man and his new partner (who's usually been reluctantly putting up with it and counting down the days until it ends) loses interest in having the child to stay.

Brokentoes85 · Today 21:32

Lunde · Today 20:29

It was a really long time ago - 30 or 40 years when sentences were tougher. Actually I was really surprised about the suspended sentence but I read the newspaper reports and it was pretty accurately reported.

I sat on a jury around the same time where one of our cases got 3 months imprisonment for driving while disqualified. It would not happen nowadays.

Sexual harassment cases were harder to prove 40 years ago, not easier.

What were their names, we'll look it up?

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