Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

Honestly I don’t think I could bear to be anywhere near this man.

OP I'm sorry. I think there will be a lot more worms crawling out of the woodwork.

I'm here to say please stay strong. Whatever he tries - crying, threatening suicide, swearing his undying love for you, promising the earth that he'll change and never do it again - stick to your guns.

Remember that:

He's lied and lied and lied and gaslighted you from the beginning.
Minimised the whole thing.
He thought the answer to you seeing the messages was to buy a load of sex toys and that chair - and to tell you you needed a good shag.
He called her a bimbo.
He's taken no accountability from the start. Everything has been someone else's fault.

Leave him to the mess he's created. Look after yourself.

Yes, I also am wondering about BPD.

He seems sorry for himself and sorry he has been caught not for the upset he has caused you, I hope you are ok x

Anecdotal, but like a PP I also knew someone who experienced this kind of behaviour as a result of undiagnosed BPD. In her case, her sudden irresistible fascination with BDSM etc exposed her to some really risky situations. She also had this "nothing can touch me" attitude towards work.

OP's DH seems to be completely off the wall in all directions at the moment. I think getting safely away from him would be a very good next move.

No BPD, just a general, arrogant , moral -less cheat.

He's had an affair at work, and look! here come the consequences!.

His pretty appalling job of trying to gaslight you on this, which has bizarrely involved buying fetish equipment, hopefully hasn't worked .

As others have mentioned, you have the ' I've had a breakdown, I'll see a counsellor ' excuse next to look forward to, followed by threats to kill himself.

When that doesn't work it will be your fault he had an affair, and he'll try and get a sanitised version of the break up out to your mutual friends and family first.

They think they are being ingenious and smart with their handling of it, but they don't know it's ' The Script' , which is well known on this site!

More likely he is just your common or garden type arrogant male who thinks he is much cleverer than all the stupid women around him.

He tried to cover his tracks and came undone. He is now in panic mode.

Yes and he’s massively in denial. He can’t process that he’s not as clever as he thought and his world is crashing down around him, entirely of his own doing.

He would LOVE a diagnosis of BPD or ADHD or ANYTHING to absolve his guilt and total responsibility in this shit show. Please don’t give him a way out or a label to strap on to himself that will excuse his appalling treatment of you

He would have to be pretty unintelligent to think a diagnosis is absolution for his behaviour?! He sounds like a total dick regardless, but his behaviour does sound disordered. "Labels" don't change what he's done but might offer him some help in future (when he's on his own).

Oh jeez, what a sh**show and all of his own making!

You are absolutely right to divorce him, what a liar - he's been caught cheating at work and he's still trying to deny it to you.

Would you be able to get some legal advice about finances?

I think this is good advice. A lot of what posters are saying on here also rings true having experienced similar. People like him are breathtakingly good at avoiding accountability, typically delusional to a point, effortlessly good a lying, at gaslighting, at abusing, at blaming everyone but themselves and are selfish self centred to the core. I'm sure there will be more to come but also prepare for him to hide the truth as much as possible, blame you and also that you may never find out the whole story. Best of luck OP

From what OP has described he would absolutely love a label bc he would use it as his excuse. Having neurological/ behavioural/ mental health issues does not excuse shit behaviour but it can explain it.

Every mature adult knows this, but OP is not dealing with a mature adult is she. He would be yelling that it’s his BPD/ ADHD and it’s not his fault - it’s irrelevant whether that statement is true - he will hang into it for dear life and be telling everyone they know that that’s the reason he did this in the hope they will sympathise with him.

There is some evidence he's been inappropriate with direct report and i imagine to launch an investigation means the allegations must have some credibility and of course as you have described he's economical with the truth until you catch him out and he's deceptive. I suspect this isn't going to end well for him .
Im so sorry you are in this awful situation because of his actions.
You will be better off without him.
I would tell him to be honest with you about what has happened.
I would say the dishonesty and deception are the reasons you want a divorce and if you find out he had told more lies regarding these allegations that will be the final nail in the coffin.

It is also worth considering, depending on what spin this other woman puts on it, that he might also face criminal charges. He told OP he was going to get rid ot this woman at the next report/review. If she knew, or he threatened her with this, she might well argue she was being sexually coerced, or raped. That would make the matter reportable to the police.

Wow, “engaging in sexual activity on the company premises.” He’s been caught with her at work hasn’t he?! I’d be preparing to leave him now. You cannot stay with him now. I hope you power through this difficult time and get to a good place. All the best.

It’s all very confusing, he had a long call with the union rep earlier. He has promised me full transparency and wants us to tackle it together as he remains convinced he’s being set up. He still doesn’t have the full details, but the rep explained it like this. A third party has alerted the company via whistleblowing procedures of a believed relationship between two colleagues, my husband and an unnamed colleague. The whistleblower alleges they were told by the other colleague involved that they were having relations with my husband on work premises. This was followed by a number of messages sent by the other colleague over a number of weeks which goes into details about these encounters. It doesn’t name my husband, but the messages refer to a ‘he’. The messages were screen shotted and shared to the company.

The meetings were in a sensory/wellbeing room which is lockable from the outside. This is key carded entry which records tally up with the dates of the messages. But the records don’t show my husband swiped in to the room.

My husband continues to deny it, says there is no evidence at all other than hesrsay, he says the rep backs this up. The rep has only been allowed to see certain extracts of the messages, these refer to saving money on hotel rooms and needing mouthwash. He has been told there are more explicit messages but HR are awaiting legal guidance on what can be shared. The rep says he should have these tomorrow, and will share all extracts if allowed.

Husband says he wants there to be a siege mentality and is convinced he’s being set up.

Sorry that’s really lengthy, I’m finding it so helpful to write out and appreciate everyone’s kind and supportive advice on here x

What do you want to do @Welshie2?

Please separate yourself from him physically and emotionally. Unlikely he is being set up. More likely he is trying to save his own hide any way he can. Save yours by getting away from him. Wishing you (even .more) strength.

I just couldn't believe him it's all too coincidental you find sexual messages then this accusation is made...

There are a million and one other ways of being ‘set up’. If his company wanted rid of him he would have been managed out or his job role have changed to make him redundant. Don’t believe a word he says OP.

I really would not believe that he is innocent in these allegations, bearing in mind the run-up to this.
But even with the teeny tiny chance that he is telling you the truth, you're still well within your rights to bin him off based on the start of this whole saga ie the sexual messages that he sent to the colleague.
You deserve better than him. x

He obviously isn't convinced he's being set up though, because he clearly isn't, you've seen the messages yourself. What would the odds be that at the time he is swapping messages with a female colleague about what they're going to do to each other sexually at work, that separately he is also subject to an unrelated set up about exactly that?

He's just painting it like this to you, OP, and his work, to get out of trouble.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. It sounds like the OW has told someone she’s been having sec with your husband. The sensory room is a bit of a red herring because, even if your husband didn’t open the door and sex didn’t actually take place there, they will interview her and, if she shows them messages from him and/or he’s used a work device/Teams to contact her inappropriately then that’s all they’ll need.
If they can’t prove the sex, but there’s still evidence if a relationship they may offer to pay to get rid of him,
As I mentioned yesterday, if she says anything that implies he used the imbalance of power - progressing her probation, work trips etc. he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
I’m so sorry he’s putting you through this - please get legal advice.