Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

I'm sorry but I'm going to be really blunt here.
The messages you yourself have seen would constitute gross misconduct. No one is out to get him - these messages are real and the exist and his company will have access to all messages on work platforms or devices.
Your husband is going to lose his job. The only variable here is the timescale that takes. His behavior is inappropriate and in direct contravention of the sexual harassment policy that pretty much all companies have mandated training on. The law has changed so that all employers now have a legal duty of care to all employees to protect them from sexual harassment in the workplace. If your husband keeps his job and there are any further instances then the employer would be considered liable and could be sued by the employee subject to any future instances. This means that your husband is now a huge liability for his employer. Now they are aware of his behavior they simply have to take action. If he had sex with her or not is academic, HR don't really need to prove or disprove it, they have clear evidence of him acting inappropriately in messages, and he has already met the threshold for gross misconduct purely with the messages you have found.
I am so so sorry you are in this situation. There will be a financial impact for you from all of this, and you are the innocent party here. I know we talk about ducks often here, but please don't wait to get yours in a row clinging to the hope he will keep his job or it's someone out to get him. The question is when, not if he will lose his job. You deserve so much better than this ❤️

Guys like this, in the office, usually have form. In many cases it is just banter (highly inappropriate sexual talk of course), I used to get it all the time from married men I worked with. But, sure, they would have gone there if given the chance! Sounds like this is what’s happened, his employer is investigating. He certainly hasn’t been set up. I mean hotel rooms, evidence etc… She is going to spill the lot, to save her own reputation, not least.

If you think that, report rather than troll hunting

This is what I thought when the same thing happened to me, but unfortunately it’s not always as simple as that. I swore I would never stay, even though the truth was far, far worse than I could ever have imagined. Please see my previous message. We are stronger now and my DH took a few years of hard pain and a new job to become a completely different person - no more gaslighting or defending or lying - but OP needs to think this through for herself.

Its not troll hunting to state a fact or an opinion. My opinion is just that the escalation has been steady and consistent over 2 threads 🤷‍♀️ where did I say the OP was a troll? I cant help what you read into when I say something.

Also what tends to happen when real life situations blow up! Truth really is stranger than fiction...

Having an affair on work premises! Oh gawd. What a tosser

I agree. I've been in a similar situation (with my ex husband) and it all unfolded over the space of a few days from my initial discovery, because the shit had hit the fan at his workplace and finally a couple of his colleagues ,who we were friendly with, gave me a hint of what was to come.

My whole life imploded in the space of less than a week.

And I'd rather support the OP, and subsequently find out it's not true, than NOT support her in a time of crisis just because things are happening rapidly!

Quite right, OP.

You’re taking the best approach in the face of your decision to divorce, which will require coparenting. You must prioritise your own long-term financial situation (post-divorce) and DC.

PPs seem to think your DH’s HR have seen the messages you’ve seen (which would be sackable, given they’re to a line report). But sounds like they’ve seen messages from someone to a whistleblower and may be completely different. May not be the same woman (though could still be him involved). If there’s no proof your DH accessed the room, he may be able to resist disciplinary action, which will likely be better for your divorce settlement and thereby future finances.

Keep playing the long game. Get as much info as possible on his finances while he’s in a state and begging for reconciliation. You could use his potential job loss as an excuse, e.g. asking innocently: “How will we afford bills if you lose your job” (he may assure you with details of a secret stash). Try to keep across the HR investigation, so you can be as prepared as possible for him being sacked.

Take your share of money out of any joint accounts and save in a new personal account (hiding details from him), before he takes the lot. Store your important docs (DC birth certificate and passport) with someone you trust (e.g. visit your family this weekend and take with you). Make an appointment with a family law solicitor. Start looking at alternative housing options.

But continue to keep away from him (in spare room etc) and put safety first while his world is imploding. Good luck 💐

Every part of his responses on previous Thread made me cringe. He has shown his true colours and he is absolutely disgusting both about this woman and to you and then to order sex props? In the bin with this dirty gremlin sex pest of a man

He got caught by you. Ended it and she or her friend are having the slimy little shit done for it now she wasnt gonna be fucked n dumped and called names. Dont belive one word out of his lying mouth and get him gone

Please be very careful not to be taken in by this very stupid, lying cheat.
You will be able to build a new happier life.
Don’t stay in this appalling relationship just because you’re getting scared and it seems the easier option.

This isn't going to end well for him and whilst I 100% think he got himself into this situation is there an Employee Assistance Programme at his work he can access to talk to a professional? That might take some of the burden of all of the shit he's created and he can be more frank with you.

Surely if anyone sees those messages about walking past his desk so he can see her arse, he is toast?

I cannot imagine how hard this is to deal with all of this. I hope this all plays out in a way that you can make a break from this POS and you and your child can start over. However, I can certainly see why that is especially complicated now.

Look after you and your little one, lass, your STBX husband is telling more and more lies to try and dig himself out of the shit...

I had one of these...and I only realised how much he had lied to me, over a 20 year marriage, when something similar happened at his work that he couldn't bullshit his way out of.

You will be fine I promise, it'll be a bit tough getting there, but one day you'll be out of it and you and DS will be a lot happier, just the two of you.

This situation could be related to the woman he's been messaging but equally it could be someone else. It seems that a woman has confided in a colleague about your husband, and they've contacted HR. If this woman directly reports to your husband, then there's immediately a power imbalance. I'm not sure your husband's place of work has to prove that there's been sexual activity on the premises, the fact he's been exchanging inappropriate messages with a colleague that directly reports to him, could be enough for gross misconduct.

I stated on your previous thread that your husband has left himself wide open to be reported for sexual harassment or blackmail. Sadly, it seems that I've been proved correct. Your husband's own arrogance and stupidity, has got him into this situation. I suspect your husband has form for this type of behaviour at work, and the colleague who he's recently been messaging, isn't the first.

You may need to play the long game, because if your husband is sacked for gross misconduct (which is highly likely), it's going to impact you financially.

This is what is off to me, too. Only a few days ago you found messages, now someone else at work has brought up messages/ behaviour they have seen?

Was he just getting more careless/brazen?

Hoping he moves him and his sex chair back to his parents asap or to the desperate /mad sod who will have him. He's totally revolting.

He was acting strange for a while before I looked at his phone, that’s what prompted me to do that. So there’s every chance he was aware of a pending investigation before then, hence the odd behaviour. I really don’t know, it’s all a mess. I also don’t believe HR have the messages I found. I’m put it to him what would happen if they did and he says there’s no way they’d amount to anything more than a slap on the wrist.

It sounds like the sneaky bastard has got his girlfriend to open the door to a lockable room and not registered his own entrance. If he's been careful enough to do this it's almost certainly not the first time he's been up to stuff like this at work.

I hope you come out of this in good shape, Welshie, but you'll be well rid of him whatever.

lol, given it’s a direct report, it’s gross misconduct.

Are you intending to seek legal advice yourself op while he deals with the work stuff, for the purpose of getting ducks in a row for divorce in either scenario of him having a job or not?

Honestly OP if this thread is real, you need to fix up. You’re hanging this shockingly bad.

The outcome of his misconduct investigation, really doesn’t concern you. You asked for a divorce. That means cutting ties, including emotionally, financially and in terms of support provided. Not this half in, half out bullshit.

You say you have a vested interest in the outcome of this misconduct investigation due to bills, but if you zoom out and look at the bigger picture, that is a red herring. It doesn’t matter if dragging out this investigation gives you a net 2-3 months of extra income from him. Long term, you are already splitting up so an extra 2-3 months makes no difference to the fact you won’t be reliant on his income in the future. Secondly, just being totally realistic, chances are he isn’t going to bounce back from this at work with no penalty. He is saying he is being set up, but the company may still wish to cut ties with him. So you hanging on for the hopes of 2-3 months of extra bill money is pointless, the company wouldn’t have launched this investigation if they weren’t ready to potentially sack him/remove him from role. A whistleblower reported him. It’s big legal territory, possibly an even bigger legal issue than your divorce.

Finally, he knows you want to divorce him. He’s obviously already going to start protecting his income, even if that’s getting his own independent legal advice. He’s not stupid, he’s going to tell you what he thinks you want to hear whilst still protecting himself. He’s always been steps ahead of you, this is no different.

Exactly. It doesn’t matter if his card wasn’t logged on entry/exit. Doesn’t mean he wasn’t personally there. I imagine if there’s ever a situation where multiple people enter a room together, only 1 person scans their card - they probably hold the door open for others to walk in. Doesn’t mean others weren’t present.

just the fact he’s using keycard logs as a defence, shows this is a premeditated defence

if I were you, I’d get him to ask his employer for CCTV from the alleged dates. Presumably if he wasn’t there at all, he wouldn’t be on camera.