Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

Hi everyone, I had so many supportive messages on my previous post which has now closed. I have started to implement some of the advice around finances etc. I’ve also filled this weekend with plans not involving my Husband. I said last night he was going at 100mph, and he is similar today. He has text me to say the delivery is arriving tomorrow morning and he can see if his parents can have DS so we can have some us time. I’ve told him I’m going to be out and he has just blanked me.

So thank you to everyone who is helping me navigate this. He is making it seem like everything is business as usual and that I am silly to be dragging it out in his words.

He's not being set up. He fucked around (literally at work - just why?!) and got found out, and now he's going to be sacked. The other charge of undeclared interest suggests that he was having a workplace relationship that isn't allowed (as it isn't in some offices). So he shagged his office junior, in the actual office, and there's no way he's staying in role, and he won't get any kind of 'severance package' because he's in the wrong. His only hope (which he is clearly clinging to) is that they haven't got enough evidence against him and he can get them for unfair dismissal. But that sounds vanishingly unlikely.

OP your husband is a serial liar and cheat. He also appears to be a delusional narcissist, with all that sex chair nonsense (why on EARTH would anyone think their punishment for cheating on her wife would be for that same wife to have kinky sex with them?! Mental). I know you know all this. I just wanted to reiterate it in case there was any way you were thinking of staying with him. Of course, that's up to you. You might decide to do that. But just...don't. Otherwise all you're doing is kicking the can down the road - and also probably financially supporting someone who's not capable of holding down a grownup job and will also cheat again. Just not worth it.

Marriage is a contract. I think the OP should get legal advice as she might be able to protect herself better.

I hope you are ok OP.

So unfair that you have been put into this situation by your husband.

Hmm, what a coincidence that just as you found inappropriate messages to a colleague, he is ‘falsely’ accused of sleeping with a colleague at work. That is some bad luck he’s having!
Catch yourself on OP. He’s as guilty as sin.

He’s definitely done this. Guilty as sin!

You raise some good points which can be summarised by saying OP’s husband has a pattern of behaving in a sexually inappropriate way. Hence why he’s done whatever he’s done at work with a colleague, and why he’s suggesting sex/sex chairs whilst OP simultaneously suggests divorce. He must think he’s irresistible.

Well this-surely?

Sounds like he thinks he's getting a slap on the wrists at home too. You two are in this together and it's just a marital hiccup 🙄

As a senior HR professional of more than 20 years I can promise you that the odds of a slap on the wrist are less than those of me waking up on the moon tomorrow.

Do you think if the only evidence is someone’s word, and he’s not named in any of the messages, that he will still be in trouble?

If that was the case, they wouldn’t have suspended him. My experience is, by the time it’s got to that point, they’ve already got everything they need. They won’t do that unless they’re almost certain what has happened.

If there was any communication on work systems they will have it. Sorry OP but this isn’t ending well for him

The thing is @Welshie2, as I’ve said previously in the thread (also an HR Director with about 20 years of experience). Employment law works on the balance of probability not proof (as it would with criminal law). Just his having a relationship with a subordinate colleague and not declaring it would be an enough for dismissal. He has probably been talking about his activities (as has she). They don’t need actual photographic evidence of it to dismiss. On the balance of probability it is almost certainly true. He can fight it in a tribunal if he wants to.

I’d say, you’re absolutely correct, and I don’t.

He's downplaying the evidence to you @Welshie2 . Of course he may not also be aware of the worst of it, if they were still assessing what they could share, but even if he was you can bet he'd still make out they had nothing on him.

He seems to be convincing you you need to stand by your man here. Don"t let him. You should consult a lawyer, but I don't think him being recently fired should lead to a spousal maintenance situation and it would change anyway once he got another job, which unless you're able to actually support him he would have to.

idk I have seen it in my old company where a woman got into multiple situationships throughout the 3.5years I was there in apprenticeship and every time the OTHER person (twice a guy, once another woman) got into trouble over it because the woman doing it and having all the drama around her was an assistant of the CEO and very well liked so she could do whatever and I'm pretty sure they did suspend people over her word alone.

Not even saying your husband isn't guilty in this case or anything, it's just that you literally cannot know what they were thinking or what goes on in that office so I would wait until they have any kind of final decision or put in writing that he has to resign or is being fired over doing that because you can be written up and suspended for whatever but the final decision for his job is what counts

It’s on the balance of probability.

They can access other information than that provided and only have to be 51% convinced of wrong doing to take action.

You don’t know who has what information, who might give up what, who any witnesses might be or who might say what in interviews.

E.g. if 3 people say it’s an open secret and they’ve seen the pair of them behaving inappropriately and 2 deny all knowledge, they could choose to believe the 3.

I am standing firm, I can’t stand the sight of him right now. I snapped at him for saying they’ll need to call every man in the company in for interview given the office tart is involved. Just gross. If I had somewhere to go for more than one or two nights then I’d have walked out earlier.

He is seriously relaxed this afternoon considering everything, he’s on about having a BBQ on Sunday and inviting family. I’ve said absolutely not, and have told him I will be seeing friends this weekend after my plans were ruined last week.

Well done. Uggh that really is such a gross thing to say.

And he’s been economical with the truth with you several times.

He used to manage her, but doesn’t now. Oh whoops, he does manage her.

He has no contact with her. Oh whoops, apart from these messages about being in a meeting room together and not wearing knickers and her arse.

She can’t cause any trouble. Oh whoops, it’s not only her that can cause trouble and she might well spill all if she needs to.

He never used his pass to go into a room with her. That may be true, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t seen going in there together by others or by CCTV. If their tech was inactive at the same times that could suggest they had the ability to be up to no good somewhere.

There is no way there isn’t more to come out. As others have said this won’t be limited to WhatsApp messages. His ego has wiped out any common sense he has. And there could even be more women complaining about him. He’s a sleeze.

I’ve suspended people regularly to allow evidence collection without interference. He’s been deleting messages. They won’t want him on company systems while they trawl teams chats.

‘Given the office tart is involved’

he is an absolute pig. Horrible, horrible man.

And by office tart was he referring to himself?

And he will make sure you can’t go out this weekend

Oh I think I’d be having that bbq and explaining to all his family exactly what is going on.