AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

Most students must be mentally unwell then in your opinion.
I once asked a close family member if their dirty house bothered them and they said no. Fair enough.

Most students don’t live like that?
Animal shit on the floor??

Why don’t you suggest meeting at a cafe or pub?

You don’t need to report her. - they won’t do anything - it’s only if she has kids

people can live how they like

I would really appreciate the warning if i were your friend. There is a reason people wear hazmat suits when cleaning up houses that get to this point. I really wouldn't want to risk getting sick or picking up something like bedbugs.

I used to know someone who lived like that. Just an acquaintance. She had zero self awareness or shame about her living conditons and seemed to think it was normal.

I think you need to stop pussy footing around and you need to be the straight talking friend on this occasion.
How can you possibly contemplate going for a social visit somewhere so disgusting? I appreciate that people may have to go in a professional capacity but you have a choice, bizarre!
Personally, I would have to say something like 'you are a lovely woman Sarah but your house is not just a little untidy, it isn't fit for human or animal habitation. If you would like help remedying the issue so we can enjoy time at your place I am happy to help you find cleaners that deal with this sort of thing'. Then I would give her a month to get it sorted before I started contacting the RSPCA, adult social care, the council or anyone else that might listen/put the pressure on for her to sort it out.

YABU to even consider going back if she has literal animal faeces on her floors.

I would tell her this. Not unkindly, but honestly, that having animal excrement on the floor is not hygienic and it makes me deeply uncomfortable and is not an environment thats healthy for anyone to be in. I think she needs to know frankly.

Op I couldn't sit in a house like that but I certainly wouldn't warn your other friend. If she's blunt it will bring the issue to the surface.
I would arrange to meet in a coffee shop or have her come to your home instead.

If you are in a position to roll your sleeves up and help I would go for a walk or drive so you're side to side and there's less intensity and have a gentle conversation about how she feels about her home and whether she would like any help. If you're not in a position to help then there's not much point to bringing it up and that's fine too.

Say you've found a brilliant new cafe/bar/ venue/bowling alley... or there's a brilliant film at the cinema to see...?

My SIL and her DH live like this. When we visit we now stay in a hotel and offer
to pay for dinner out.

I try to minimise time spent in their house to a quick coffee.

But you need to keep quiet about it to your other friend.

Don't offer to help with the cleaning. It sounds like a specialist job for biohazard experts, not something you could fix with a quick whizz round with a mop and cloth. And anyway, people who live in extreme conditions like this almost always revert to type immediately after kind friends have staged an intervention. Like other PPs, I am puzzled that you're going back to such a shithole. What can you possibly gain, apart from a truly disgusting experience? This sounds like people pleasing taken to extremes. And yes, I would warn the other friend in fairly graphic detail beforehand.

Her pets need rescuing. You need to report her to animal welfare. It's a terrible way for her and them to be living. It's really not fair.

I wouldn't inform your other friend. Let her react cold to the situation and possibly, that'll help a little bit.

It won't help. It will just humiliate the other person

None of them. I simply wouldn’t go.

If you're close enough that you would risk your health going to her house regularly, you are close enough to be honest with her.

Ask her if she needs help with her house. Tell her you're concerned at the lack of sanitary practices. And go from there.

But this middle ground of knowing something is extremely wrong but saying nothing is very passive and actually unkind to your friend.

Hope that your mutual friend says something and scrowy friend gets some help.

I had a friend growing up who lived with her grandparents. Her family home, was much like this. I refused to eat/drink anything there and only went into her room, which although untidy didn't appear dirty. They thought it was hilarious when their small dog peed all over the carpet....zero attempt to clean it up!! I stood there absolutely horrified!!

I remember taking another friend with me, to this particular friends house, but I warned her before we got there. OP, your friend's house sounds even worse than my friend's home, so I think you should warn your friend, if you intend to still go. Personally, I would be making excuses not to go!!!

YABU for even going back there. Sounds an animal welfare issue too. Gross.

I wouldn’t go back and would tell the friend why! I’m definitely not some kind of clean freak but that sounds utterly disgusting.

I just wouldn't/couldn't go back.
A friend of mine had a neighbour like that. And she was a social worker !

It’s the way you say it though.

I don't know why you are colluding in the pretence that the house isn't absolutely disgusting, or why you'd try and co-opt another person to collude in it too.

It's not gossipy or unkind to simply describe reality.

|f it hurts her feelings, maybe she could try not living in filth and expecting others not to notice or mind.

Surely it’s not for op to go in as Mrs Mop and clean that disgusting mess?
Why would anyone actually assume she should help?

Don't let your friend go without warning her first. I'd be freaking out at animal poo on the carpet if it was me, I'd want to know beforehand so I could decide whether to go.

Why don't you just offer to host?