AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

But I think this is a mental health condition too. Not go give a fuck. Your friend can not be fully ticket.

Hi OP! I would ask your friend if she needs any help with her house. Your friend might be overwhelmed & not able to tackle her housework. If she accepts your help & maybe professional assistance as well, your friend hopefully might get back on track for her sake & her beloved pets. All the best from, Kiwi Grandma :)

Sorry, just to read this update now - you can not be fully ticket either. I am sorry, but you should not call yourself a friend at all! Been few times now, you have to say something! Clearly something is not ok with that woman and you choose to simply ignore it. And this is nothing with her mental state. Simply is down to safety hazards for her and her animals. She can get severly sick, poisons herself or animals. Will you feel better if she ends up in a hospital for sepsis or something even worse??? Be a friend, do something!

Except other friend will certainly ask why and what you mean, it wouldn't just remain as a vague warning.

Don't think i even believe this, as why would you even contemplate going there again.? Are there children involved? Bad enough that there's animals involved.I'd report to rspca and child services this is neglect.

It's neglect of the animals.All that piss and shit is a health hazard to both animals and humans.

It's not a "bit of dirt" its piss and shit all over the floors and toilet seat!

There’s a difference between untidy , or a couple of days dust, and a health hazard that requires hazmat suits to clean up..faeces in the carpets etc, they wear the protective clothing.

Going back breathing in that air is not safe.

She has the right to live as she chooses, but her pets have the right to a healthy environment so I’d report that, no question. That’s criminal to keep animals like that.
I have dog toys lying everywhere, but the couch covers get washed weekly, the carpets monthly …no faeces btw . Probably smells of dog sometimes, but I do disinfect floors and surfaces every day. We never know how our home smells to other people, as the sense of smell gets tired quickly.
I’d be mortified to think someone believes I keep my pets in a dirty environment.

@Rescuedog12

dont be so fussy! What’s a bit of piss and shit between friends?

🤣 I used to muck out cows with a barrow and shovel, sheds, thigh deep hen litter after a winter of mil just adding clean straw every day, and once I had to wade up to my shoulders in a midden of slurry to rescue a sheep that had fallen in, lifting it over my head to the men on the wall above..

but I would not go back to that house …breathing in that air, and I’m not fanatically houseproud any more.
I want to know if she told her friend

My friend's house was like this, not quite as bad though. Rabbit poos on floor in lounge. Years of grime from never cleaning. Filthy kitchen. Crap everywhere. Fly tape in kitchen. She has a very good job and works full time. She seems well put together and is highly intelligent and you'd never guess she lives this way. She has adhd and autism. All her energy is used up at work and she has non left for cleaning. It gets worse and worse until its overwhelming and seems impossible. I had a conversation with her about getting a cleaner in once a week. She took my advice and now it is much better. Not great but OK.

I would suggest meeting up in a cafe/restaurant for lunch or coffee instead. I mean after being in there I wouldn’t want to go back.
Saying that maybe she needs someone straight talking to tell her. Maybe she’s overwhelmed and needs help.

Could be mental health issues underlining the mess. Pretty common. Especially if the person is put together themselves. So maybe go easy on the woman and get to know her better first

Omg stay away from that house unless you have a hazmat suit

I wouldn't say anything, otherwise you could end up being the bad guy here.
I understand people don't always have a perfect home, untidiness is different to filth. Right away l would have had to think on my feet and make up an excuse to leave. There is no way l could drink from a cup in that house, the germs from dog and cat shit would be in the atmosphere , and god knows, everywhere else. Doesn't matter how she speaks, she's a slob and there's no excuse...

You cannot refer someone else for a mental health assessment....

Why does she need to close the friendship down? The OP says she likes this friend. If people choose to live in squalor and filth, and it doesn't affect dependents who have no choice (and its already been established there are no children), it really is their own concern, unless they ask for your help or opinion. You just need to ensure you meet elsewhere in future. I've known various people over the years who, while not as bad as this, have what I considered to be squalid living conditions. It wasn't my business, even as a friend or family member, unless they asked for my help (which nobody did). I just didn't go to their houses again, I invited them to my house, or we met in cafes, restaurants, went for walks, days out, easy. She's an adult. People have mentioned the pets, but animals have amazing immune systems. If she's feeding, petting, walking (the dogs), they won't care that they house is squalid and neither will the RSPCA, they see a lot worse than sh1t on the floor, believe me.

Why on earth are you going back!!?? No way would I ever step foot in that place again, and I definitely would not accept a drink or food offering! I'd meet that friend in a cafe, but NOT accept an invitation back to their house. I'm not house proud, but my home is clean, even when it's not tidy. Many years ago I had a friend like that. You would never have known just from meeting her, but her house was a disaster. I just didn't accept invitations to her home after the first one....

I had a neighbor who's house looked like that. I found out later from her husband that she was an alcoholic. Don't know why he didn't clean himself. She ending up dying from liver failure.

I'm just going to chime in with, it's not your business to judge if the animals are OK. Your job is to tell the RSPCA and let them decide. If you have done your best for them that's all you can do. No animal should live in squalor.

Despite what your friend says, I wonder if she does know this is abnormal. My DP (who I don't live with) can be like this when he's having a bad time with his mental health - cat poo on the floor, dishes stacking up with mould, etc. But he isn't always like that, and does recognise he's having other problems when this happens. He doesn't like that he can't keep on top of it, but will accept my help to get things in order. Maybe your friend has some deeper issues, maybe it's best to ask if she's okay?

She sounds as though she is really really depressed.

Sounds like you are implying she is a social worker. If she thinks that's a normal way to live how on earth is she supposed to recognise adults who need support or children being neglected?!?! She cannot be mentally stable living in a shit hole!

@SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog have you been to your friend's house?
Did your other friend go as well?
Did she say anything?

I worked on a project with a volunteer who lived in a cottage owned by the project. While our toilets were being renovated she urged us to use her toilet in the cottage. OMG it was disgusting! There was a roll of carpet in the hall with cat poo all along it. You had to step over it to get to the bathroom. There were boxes everywhere and dirty clothes on the floor. The kitchen was extremely unsanitary with old food everywhere and unwashed dishes. She had a daughter about 4 and a son of 15 and the bath was unusable as it was full of hay - she kept rabbts. The toilet was filthy, there was nothing to clean it so I took bleach the next day and cleaned it as best I could and left the bleach which promptly disappeared! The daughter was wandering around amongst the public with a short dress on and no pants so I eventually phoned social work - they were completely uninterested and told me to 'have a word' with her mother!