AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

That's completely fine if you think that but I'm my professional career I worked with a lot of young people with multiple issues including mental health and some of them struggled badly with keeping their flats clean and tidy

There is a definite link between someone suffering from mental health issues and issues like these. I also know there are people with mh issues who don't live in filth and that some people are just lazy - but others are definitely struggling

C. Keep quiet and enjoy the horror.

Your friend is living in abject squalor. I hope she doesn’t have any children living with her.

When I was in my 20’s I visited a woman’s house as she was a friend of a relative. It took her ages to clear the couch so we could sit down. The place was disgusting and she ignored her child’s begging for food. Another guest got up and made the child a cheese sandwich. It was so bizarre. This kid hadn’t eaten all day. It was after lunch and the mother couldn’t be bothered to make her child anything.

I don’t understand why people have pets or children they neglect.

That's completely cruel and the OP has suggested that the friend has mental health issues

I wouldn’t want to go to the house for a social visit at all so I’d invite her to my home or suggest we meet somewhere else.

If you take the mutual friend into this situation Op you are basically setting her up to be humiliated - and I wouldn't do that to someone who is clearly struggling

I had a freind like this. He had actual cat shit all over the kitchen floor. Theyre not good friends if they expect you to ignore actual faeces in the food prep area. Suggest that you meet elsewhere.

I’d warn the friend and maybe ask the friend to have a conversation about the mess since she doesn’t mind offending people

She hasn't, she said 'Mentally she seems fine, holds down a good job etc but I know mental health issues can be difficult to spot'

Though does go on to say 'without giving too much away, reporting her to adult SS would likely have far more implications than normal in this case' which is concerning as it sounds like she does have some kind of responsibility for someone if not kids then maybe a disabled adult or carer for an elderly person?

Whatever. Someone has to do something and if the outspoken other pal is the one to speak up maybe that's a good thing.

You can be very posh and have a filthy house. I worked in very nice parts in North London, visiting not far off mansion size and I saw some real eye openers.
She seems a nice lady and I would warn your other friend and tell her not to say anything. Being rude (telling it straight can be very rude) and suggesting she clears up would be very hurtful .

If it's as bad as you say, why would you want to go back? I would push to meet at a cafe or somewhere else instead of going back to that house.

Cat and dog shit on the floor? Really? With kids in the house?

I find the description of the house fascinating. How can anyone not see it? Then taking the mate to look at the curtains! It’s beyond my understanding.

In fact, why not invite them to yours and just say you have to be home for a delivery?

Dorset your friend wash her hands? Gosh, she could be transferring so many germs and viruses. How does she keep clean if the bath is full of stuff? Can you all meet in the park and take disposable plates and cutlery with separated food and drinks? If you visit her home you need ppe clothing .

I don't agree. You don't take someone into a disgusting environment knowing that it could kick off if you really are someone's friend

BTW. I have mental health issues. I have ptsd anxiety and depression - but very few people who don't know that would know from meeting me. There are plenty of people who have mental health issues serious or otherwise and few people know and that's why I don't think this scenario would be appropriate.

There is obviously something really wrong if someone is living like this.

Exactly. If it's so bad you couldn't sit down or use the loo, the smell was eye watering, why would you agree to meet there?! Makes no sense.

If I was your friend (the other one going there with you) I'd wonder why you'd agreed if you've seen the house before.

Don't you think it's already been established that this woman is living in squalor??

Because she’s got manners ?

This too. You've been a few times since the time you're posting about or before?

Also, no one is saying ditch the friend because of the house, we're wondering why you're meeting there rather than your house or at the pub...

Sadly it does happen! I knew someone like this, never got better even with people helping her.

Agree. A former neighbour’s house was filthy inside. Glass dining table awash with kids hand prints General chaos etc. Another neighbour described it as “nice”. Let me tell you, it was a piss hole.

Its bad enough that she doesn't give a shit about her animals to make them live in such awful conditions where they have to mess in the house and it's just left. You also turning a blind eye to it makes you complicit in the abuse in my opinion, how can you not get her help for their sake?

Where does it say that kids are in the house?

Why do you like her? She's an animal abuser. Cruelty and neglect are abysmal traits.

"Manners" is one thing.

It is not bad manners to ask a close friend what is happening for her to be living in such a state, and what help can I give to make it better!

Turning a blind eye to such an obvious, awful problem is neither kind nor polite.

Good Friends tell you what others don't.