AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

I would warn the friend and I would have nothing further to do with the one who lives in abject filth & squalor.

I’m quite squeamish about home hygiene and would want the heads up so I could cancel.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh! @SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog

Not sure what posh means to you but someone living like this has serious mental health issues, which can happen to anyone, even posh people.

I wouldn’t either.

C

I would warn the friend you’re going to go with, and discuss with her the best thing to do. If you’re both willing, perhaps she’d agree to you both saying "Jane, we're concerned that things must have got on top of you. It’s really not healthy for you to live like this. Can we help you clean the place up a bit?" Then make an appointment to go back another day with cleaning stuff and Marigolds for you all.

She must care enough to keep herself and her clothes clean, or you would have noticed before.

Poor little cat

On a practical note, if dogs/cats are urinating and defecating on the floor then eventually the floor is likely to be damaged.
So go careful if you do visit.

Does she live alone?

Has she just got used to living this way and doesn’t realise the mess/smells are as bad as they are? Do you think if she came round to your houses then she might twig things have got out of hand at her house?!

I think I would just suggest as a pp says to go out to a new bar/cafe instead and mention it to other friend that hasn’t seen the house the reason why. I imagine if you keep turning down house visits, the friend with the dirty house may get the message!!!

Sometimes people are just scruffy

Not everything is down to MH. She might just be very lazy and to her her precious time won’t be spent cleaning.

Now it has got this bad it becomes the norm.

Do not offer to help her clean up, you'll be on a hiding to nothing. People who let their houses get into this state are way beyond a couple of friends going round with some rubber gloves and a bottle of Cif.

This sounds like more than very lazy. She's living in utter filth. This is a huge red flag

It can't remain like this though. If ever let my house get like this I would hope someone would make an issue of it and tell me to pay someone to sort it

I would do my utmost to persuade friend to meet up at a cafe or something but if I couldn't, I would not let someone else walk into that house unprepared.

Social services are for people who have disabilities. You say her mental health is fine, so unless there is another disability not mentioned they wouldn't get involved anyway.
I couldn't go back to her house. I'd suggest meeting elsewhere. I'd tell her I'm not keen on pet hair and faeces so wouldn't be comfortable there. Telling her the truth is probably the kindest thing in the long run.

This is not true. Social work and social services are not just for those with disabilities

I wouldn't go back and I would warn friend

It definitely needs cleaning up, but it needs specialist cleaners with proper gear. Going in and picking up animal shit and other crap isn't something her friends should be doing.
She also needs to be willing to keep on top of it once it's clean and I'm not convinced she's all that bothered.

When I was a trainee social worker (many moons ago) I visited a woman with young children, including a crawling baby, who literally had cat and dog shit all over the floors. I was horrified and reported it to my supervisor, who told me to tell the health visitor. The HV said she already knew! My placement ended soon after, so I don’t know what happened.

Poor animals. You’re a better woman than me OP I would have wee’ed in a bush before braving that bathroom. Does she take alright care of herself? Does she smell? Normally stinky house = stinky person in my experience.

I doubt they have the manpower to randomly check people’s housekeeping or lack of it, though.
People are actually allowed to live how they choose to, as long as it doesn’t interfere with anyone else.
Who do you think social services are going to send round, and what do you think they’ll do?

It is true. I am a social worker. Adult Social Care is for people with disabilities, they need to be unable to safeguard themselves due to physical/mental impairment or illness to be eligible for safeguarding support. For a care package they need to be unable to meet two eligible social care needs due to physical/mental impairment or illness.

That's not always the case. If you are a council tenant which I'm not assuming she is and a housing officer in my area saw that. They would refer to social services and there would be follow up. If they were alerted to someone living in filth they wouldn't leave it like that - there would be inspections to show that the house was up to standard

I know a nurse who lives like this (apart from the faeces on the floor). I was so shocked when I saw her home as she comes across as efficient & organised. There was stuff literally everywhere, rooms piled high and some unusable, kitchen like a war zone with open packets on the worktops and stacks of unwashed dishes - and this was after she ‘tidied’. The thing is she seems perfectly happy - good job, good friendships, partner of many years (who she stays with at weekends as he can’t handle her mess.) j wouldn’t dream of reporting her to social services, it’s her life and her choice. And even if not a choice, well she accepts that’s the way she is.