AIBU to warn a friend before visiting a very dirty house?

[SomeBastardHasSquashedAFrog]

I have a friend who I get on well with, after knowing her a few months she invited me around for a coffee adding “just excuse the mess”. I don’t usually care about people’s houses as I’m not house proud myself.

Anyway, it was bad, only saw hallway and living room at this point but the carpets looked like they had a full inch layer of pet hair imbedded into them, the sofas were all ripped and stained with mucky blankets thrown all over them and there was an awful smell. Funnily enough no actual rubbish or dirty pots anywhere in here though. Friend told me to sit down whilst she made coffee 😬 The sofa featured a huge Rottweiler laid right across it sleeping, I looked at dog then at friend and she said “just shove him out of the way” errr no 😂 so I joined her in the kitchen.

Well Jesus this is where it goes from bad to TV program content, there was stuff everywhere - open food, packets and wrappers all over, piles of dirty pots, dog food all over the floor (meat, not biscuits) and the smell was now eyewatering. Long story short she’d decided to use the little pantry room as a giant cat litter tray, when she opened the door the smell literally knocked me back which I’ve NEVER experienced before.

I was desperate for toilet and it was over an hours drive home so I thought I’d risk it there … you could barely get in the bathroom - the bath itself was stacked high with crap, stuff all over the floor, shit stains all over the toilet including the seat. I left it and came out the room to her stood there telling me to go and see the new curtains she had in her bedroom - well fuck me the upstairs of the house was much worse than the ground floor - there was rubbish EVERYWHERE, literal dog and cat shit on the carpets in various areas, stains all over the beds, empty coke cans and takeaway wrappers on her bed … honestly I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now, my AIBU … mutual friend has never been and we’ve been invited over this weekend. She is much more straight talking than me and is likely to tell her straight that it’s a disgrace. Do I
a) warn mutual friend before hand what to expect and to not mention it?
b) suggest to inviting friend gently that she might want to tidy up a bit before weekend - maybe offer to help but this sounds so bloody cheeky to me
or c) YABU - let nature take its course.

You would NEVER guess from meeting friend that she lives like this, she’s very well spoken and honestly I thought she was posh!

You honestly can't take a third party through the door Op - it's completely unfair. Tell your friend you will meet elsewhere and then you can decide if you want to bring up the subject of her house. Which actually sounds drastic. I'm personally not the tidiest person all the time but I don't live in filth. My cats trays are always changed - my house isn't dirty.

I wouldn't want someone in my home if it looked like that. Never mind another complete stranger. As I said previously she sounds completely overwhelmed with the state of the place and as if she's suffering from severe depression

Or encourage her to get a company in who would deep clean and de clutter the house so she can have a fresh start

Yes indeed.

You are just enabling either her laziness or her MH problems by accepting invites to this disgusting place

Stop visiting her, find a mutually convenient place

This let nature take its course.

I’m not massively house proud (3 dogs and children) but I once visited someone’s house similar to what you described and she said sit and I just couldn’t. No where clean or reasonable to sit. They had mice in the kitchen (!). I ended up saying I couldn’t stay but not why. I was invited around several more times and said no and she had a bit of a go saying nobody wants to come to mine - so I actually said to her you have mouse faeces on the kitchen cabinets it is just a reasonable or safe environment I’m sorry but it isn’t.

I had to visit my husbands neighbours (wasn't my husband then) once, a farmhouse, can't remember why we were there but it was a quick visit. Absolutely lovely people, present themselves smart and clean (husband not so much when farming obviously!) caring. But my God that house 😱the stench of sour milk (ok it was a dairy farm) but this was where the humans lived! The stench, the half empty milk jugs/bottles not in the fridge, work tops piled high with boxes and letters and food, dirty plates and cats! Cat litter trays all over the porch, I can still smell it. Just stuff and filth everywhere and so much of it! They offered me a cup of tea, I knew the milk was going to either be off or unpasteurised fresh from the udders so blamed not wanting a cup of tea on my pregnancy, to be fair pregnancy had put me off tea, but in other houses I'd have one to be polite.

I drive pass it regularly and wonder how awful it must be now 10 years later! Such lovely nice ordinary functioning people living in such filth!

I'd warn your friend it's a bit of a shocker, and if she is afraid of dogs, definitely warn her about the rottweiler, then just leave your friend to react however she feels fit, might help the woman.

Don't offer to help. It takes hours and it's back to biohazard status in weeks.

I wouldn't go back. You could end up poorly if there's fecal matter all over.

I wouldn't do that either. The OP is taking a stranger into this environment knowing that she'll probably challenge the OP who has clear mental health issues.

I’d tell her but I’d hope she says something. I would have.

I'd warn the mutual friend amd together come up with a way to approach the issue with the friend who's house it is and ask what you can do to help/support her. I doubt more than a tiny minority of the world's population would actively choose to live like this if there wasn't significant mental health issues

It's nothing to do with "being posh" or not, the house is unclean, unsafe and a hazard. I wouldn't go back, I'd warn the mutual friend that it really is terrible and let them decide. You could offer to help with resourcing specialist cleaners.

Forget ummimg and ahhing over whether to forewarn anyone, you sadly need to talk directly to the one living in squalor and offer support. Be clear eg 'no judgement but this isn't a bit of mess it is dirty, squalor and a health hazard. Can I help?'

If you can't talk to her bluntly (but kindly) then don't go round. Just meet at a cafe, obviously tbh.

Report to rspca for starters though the pets clearly need removing if lots of excrement is indoors. Poor things.

You don’t have to say why the implications would be more than normal but from that I assume she is or has been in touch with services before now. Surely if there is history it is more important to make sure she has support

I would tell her, I think the friend can then decide if she wants to meet elsewhere or just forego the visit totally. BTW not everyone who lives in filth is mentally ill. I've been in houses due to my work, where the resident just doesn't get to grips with cleaning. No routine, no tidying, nothing. And no mental illness either.

I would just meet her somewhere else I’d invite her to mine

I'm on the fence, though I voted YABU... For me, it would depend on the type of friend the second person is. Can you confide in her/prepare her without her gossiping about it with other people or revealing to Friend 1 that you warned her how horrible the house is? If so, I'd warn her. If not, I'd probably keep my mouth shut.

Anyone who knows anything about hoarding and severely dirty homes understands that it's not an easy fix. People often don't want to change or simply can't bring themselves to do it, much less maintain it. Calling attention to the problem isn't likely to do any good and may jeopardise the friendship.

Personally, I'd just find ways to stop meeting at her home and be there for her as a friend. If she ever asks for help, you're there to help, but until that time (which is unlikely ever to come), I wouldn't bring it up.

The cat and dog didn’t choose this life. If you do nothing else PLEASE report her to the RSPCA for neglect

I would personally try and support someone to sort their house and living conditions out before I involved the RSPCA. But you're right. The animals can't continue to live like this

Who is the stranger? Didn't op say it was a mutual friend?

She must smell, there's no way she can be living like that and not absolutely stink. I wouldn't put myself through siting in her house, I'd feel manky and have to shower and wash my clothes when I returned home.
Are you eating and drinking in that environment?

The RSPCA don't respond to every complaint of neglect and they don't always remove animals either - police need to be involved for forced removal too. I live in Scotland and the Sspca are running a campaign to employ staff to remove animals without having to call in police - because the current system isn't working.

Yes you're right but it's someone who doesn't know how dirty the house is

I have a friend like this. No mental health issues, genuinely doesn't see how the house looks to others.
I always offer to make the cuppa when I go round so I can wash the mugs and sniff the milk.

I would never go back to a house this filthy, and certainly would never eat or drink anything at all she prepared.

I think you should warn your other friend what to expect.

And perhaps the two of you could offer to help her clean up, but honestly it probably wouldn't last long.
Because either she really doesn't care about basic hygiene and cleanliness, or she does actually have a MH issue. Either way you doing a bit of a cleanup isn't going to resolve it longer term.

I'm certainly not a neat freak or houseproud, but I don't think I could be friends with someone who was happy living in this amount of filth.

Some people are just dirty sods and not depressed in the slightest.
People have differing opinions on what they consider to be hygienic and acceptable living conditions.
I have done many house calls in my job and nothing really surprises me anymore how people choose to live.

Some people who live like this very much do have mental health issues. I personally wouldn't be able to watch a friend struggle as badly as this no matter the reason and do nothing. Particularly as there are pets living in that mess